Stranger in a Strange Land

Mommy to a Spider Monkey on Crack

2010-05-19T13:50:00.001-07:00

I love Aidric so much. I am so proud of him. He is smart, funny, sweet, and loving. But lately he is also like a spider monkey on crack. That's right. Imagine a strong and wild little beast. Now imagine that beast on crack, or speed, or meth. (I have never taken these drugs or even seen anyone in person who was on these drugs. I am going by stereotypes from TV.) I wanted to write about it because I'm not sure that many of you know what it's like.
Aidric wakes up every morning at 6:15 and hits the ground running. Literally. He cannot wait to get going, to turn something over, to climb something, to go through the drawers, to pour something out, to pull everything out of the closet, to flush the toilet a million times, to pull at my pants while I'm trying to go to the bathroom, to climb onto the back of the toilet so that he can turn on the faucet, to open and close the doors a million times, to bang on the walls and furniture with my shoe, the remote, a spoon, etc, to squish the cat, to try to stand on Daddy's head, to pull the keys off my keyboard, to get up onto the stove, and to throw the ball at the TV. This all happens at a running speed and in about 15 minutes. I am not exaggerating. He keeps this pace throughout the day.
I know some people who have what I call 'easy babies'. I am not implying that parenting is easy for anyone. I am saying that parents of these easy babies have completely different lives than mine. They can take a shower while easy baby plays with a toy next to the tub. They can eat or drink something in peace or even while sitting down. They can go shopping while easy baby laughs and coos in the stroller or cart. They can make dinner. They can go out to eat with easy baby. They can have conversations with other adults. They can go to the park or beach and relax while easy baby quietly plays. They can live without the constant responsibility of stopping disasters.
I do not feel badly in any way. I think Aidric is extraordinary, brilliant, physically advanced, and healthy. I would never want him to be anything other than who he is.
I do, however, wonder what it might be like to have one of those easy babies and would welcome some validation.

Dualities

2009-10-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

What a boring title. Oh, well.

It amazes me how the major part of being a parent is the constant pulling of different forces. You can be drawn up to an ecstatic heavenly place while feeling heartbroken at the same time.

Even the simplest of things like when Aidric waves at someone. He almost always finally waves when the lucky recipient has moved their attention elsewhere, and he gets this confused and disappointed look on his face like, " Hey! I waved! Why are you ignoring me. Hello...." And my heart breaks for him while I am also feeling so proud of his new skill.

Speaking of which, the heartache! Oh, the sympathy. When he gets an boo-boo or he gets terrified of a loud sound, I look at him and I just feel it. I feel it like it's my own injury or trauma.

Or when I wait and wish for the day that he can entertain himself so I can get something done, and when that day comes, I wonder if he feels neglected.

I am guessing that I had better get used to this duality. Pride will always be mixed with worry. Love will always be hand in hand with fear.

I remember reading in a Steven King story once that we always imagine the worst horrors happening to those we love the most. Love and fear. It's true.

It has been such a journey this past year. I felt that I have been reborn. I naively said to myself when I was pregnant that life will be the same, but better. Sure, I'll have more responsibility, but I want that. I realize now that there is no way to imagine how it will be. It would be like imagining a new set of colors or sounds. Another contradiction, it seems, that I am the same person, but I'm not. My perceptions are permanently filtered through his eyes. And he holds the biggest mirror up to me. I see how I look to him, and I want to be the best person I can be for him. It's an instant attitude changer. Free therapy.

I'm sorry if it sounds just too sappy, but I feel like having Aidric is the hugest, most wonderful thing the world could ever know! "We made a baby! A human! He's awesome!" But there are millions of babies in the world. It happens every day. Calm the heck down.
Therein is the biggest duality.

Thanks for listening!

Aidric 13 1/2 Months

2009-09-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Aidric,

Well, it has been a long time since my last update. I have just been too busy loving you to pieces to write about it.

A WHOLE LOT has happened. We moved. We went to Maine and Connecticut. You started walking. But you are still as fun and beautiful and loving as always.

It has finally happened. I look at 4 month old babies, and I miss when you were that age. Which is funny because I LOVE you where you are now the most, but I say that every month. Will I always love you more each month? Will there ever be a time when I say,"Jeesh, this is just not the best stage right now"? Probably when you are 2 1/2. I hear that's a tough time.

Please stop growing so fast, okay? I think the combination of this time warp that is parenthood, the confusion of the first time, and the looking back at all the time I wasted reading books and worrying, makes me want to do it over. I want to relive the pregnancy, the birth, the newborn stage, and the time when you were a non mobile, wiggly cuddle-lump. But then I remember the nausea, the sore bits, and all those no shower days.

I wish I had kept better notes on all the cute things you do. Like the 'I don't know' gesture and the 'squishy face'.

I have pictures of those, though. Here is the long list of all the things I don't want to forget. You do this fake sneeze(you started this all on your own). You like to throw your animals out of the crib and wait for me to throw them back in. You love to shove as much food as possible into your mouth. You love to oh-so-sneakily grab something, turn, and run. You like to put things into and out of other things. You absolutely LOVE music and complain when I forget to put some on. Your favorites are Cure, Masters of Reality, Lisa Gerrard, and old 80's. You love wind chimes, wheels of any kind, birds, airplanes, helicopters, animals, and shoes.

You love to 'cruuusshhh' things.

You still squish Clouseau every day, and Clouseau still lets you. You love to play peek-a-boo. You point to your belly, knees, toes, eyelashes, arm, and sometimes your ear when I ask you where they are. You love books. You notice everything around you all the time. If you could talk I know it would be an endless stream of 'What's that? What's that? OOOH, what's THAT?!? Now that you are walking you love to carry things around with you. How cool that must feel to be gaining control over your environment. You love to take baby rides on box tops or in the hamper.

You took your first steps on your own. We were lucky we saw it. After a month of us urging you to "walk to Mama" or "walk to Dad-dad" you decided that you wanted to be in the other room, thank you very much. Then it was just a matter of days before you were taking more and more steps in a row, and a couple of weeks to pretty much be walking all over the place. Now you want to walk in your crib, on our bed, and in the bathtub. Gah. You love to haul around the empty 5 gallon water jug (which is as big as you).

You were learning all this walking when you were on Monhegan and in Connecticut. After flight cancellations, cutting your eye teeth with a fever during an 11 hour travel day, extreme separation anxiety, a hurricane, and a vomitous rocky boat ride, we made it to the Island. Ahhhhhh....

You loved it there. You have never napped so well.

Then we saw ALL your grandparents in Connecticut. That was very special and a bit exhausting. I realized how much I miss New England and my family. I just try not to think about that too much.
Mercifully, the travel back was super smooth and quick. Even the 5 hour drive from ME to CT went nicely. Thanks to plastic beepy toys.

You really are so much fun right now. I look forward to every day and wait for you to amaze me with a new game you make up or a new sound or word. Thanks again for making my life so full and intense.

Love,

Mom-mom

(I want to write about some more insightful thoughts, but I really want to publish this now. You will have to wait for the deep thoughts.)

Bitch-Fest: The Sun is Finally Out of Cancer, But I'm still Complaining

2009-07-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

We're moving! Finally! And I can hear the sigh of relief from all that have endured my complaining and complaining about our current place. (Thanks for listening, by the way.)
So here is the BIG LIST of all the things I will definitely not miss about this place.

1. Landlord.
2. The old dinky wall heater in the living room that is only good for warming up the person sitting on the end of the couch.
3. Street Parking: When you have a baby and groceries and have to park wayyyyyyy down the street because everyone has parked on the street for all the restaurants: Not happy. Street sweeping on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 8am. So Monday night and Tuesday night you can't go out after 5pm because you won't get a parking spot on the right side of the street, and if you go out in the morning, there are still no spots, so you park in the alley, but then the husband has to be late for work because the baby is sleeping and he needs to move the car for the dumpster trucks that come all day long. Repeat every week. Which brings us to...
4. Dumpster trucks, service trucks, repair trucks constantly banging and beeping right behind the building. We are right next to Warner Brothers Marketing building, so many dumpsters.
5. Landlord
6. Cruise night at Bob's Big Boy down the street. Every hot rod and stupid-loud motorcycle blasts down the street. You can't hear what Steve Colbert is saying!!!
7. Construction that has been going on for THREE YEARS on the highway. Getting on the highway is a major pain, and they detour traffic down our street.
8. Building is stucco and plaster and retains the 100 degree heat all night long.
9. One outlet per room.
10. Every day I can wipe away black tar-like smog grit off floors and surfaces.
11. No laundry
12. No dishwasher
13. Old crank windows, half of which don't work or latch closed, and into which air conditioners do not fit.
14. Landlord.
15. 5'X 5' kitchen.
16. Floors that creak so loudly they have woken Aidric up out of sound sleep.
17. Doors that have been painted so many times with cheap dirt colored paint that they don't close, or POP every time you open them, waking up baby again.
18. Mold in the caulking.
19. Beautiful hexagonal counter tiles whose grout has long since disintegrated and been replaced with 50 years of crusted in dirt.
20. Landlord.

And that is the last time you will have to listen to me whine and moan about it!

Having the most wonderful neighbors in the world has been the saving grace and has softened all our suffering. We will miss them terribly!

New apartment pics coming soon.

Aidric 10 1/2 Months

2009-07-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

I always think of these deep and poignant things to write about when I am trying to fall asleep or sitting at the playground. When I am here actually writing, it's all gone. But I do recall musings on how everything is different now. Better and very different.
For instance, I have a different brain. Not like someone else's brain. It's my brain, but it just no longer works the same. The stuff that makes me ME is still there, but my thinking is now Aidric-centric. I can no longer have a long, quiet conversation with someone. Mostly because the person with whom I am talking is also afflicted with the same brain change. This new brain causes me to forget just about everything. Like things about which I wanted to write.

One thought I do recall is this: If every Mom out there loves their babies with the same intensity that I love Aidric, how can there be so much bad stuff in the world? I feel that my love alone could wipe all the hatred out of the Middle East. Pre-Aidric, I would have never thought it possible to have this intensity of emotion. Falling in love with Mark is close but so very different too.

I still think about the miracle of it all. How this person formed from an almost nothingness inside of my body. I will know him as a infinitely small speck of potentiality, a squirmy newborn, a crawling squealing blur, and hopefully as a precocious toddler, an awkward and loving adolescent, a happy grown up, and maybe even a precocious old man.

It took ten months for it to happen, but I finally feel totally at peace with leaving Aidric with Mark so I can go shopping or get a pedicure. A good combination of lessened separation anxiety, less nursing requirement, and less guilt from me. I have been to two yoga classes. When I am practicing yoga there is no room in my head for anything else, and when it's over I realize that I thought of nobody else but me. That's a good thing sometimes.

Dear Aidric,

You are now 10 1/2 months old. You are now clapping! It's the cutest thing. Almost as cute as when you hold your foot up with your hand when you sit, or when you grab your feet and clap them during your diaper change, or when you sit on the floor and scoot around 360 degrees. You wave to people, but usually way after you first meet them and they are not looking. You are very interested in other people, craning your head around to see them, or just staring and staring. Then you look away coyly when they talk to you. You little charmer.
You are fascinated with wheels, buttons, and all things electrical(outlets, cords, vacuum, remotes, phones, DVD player, etc.) Trying to keep you alive and uninjured takes up most of the day. You seem fearless and try to even climb things that are not climbable at all. You shock and awe everyone on the playground and at Gymboree with your climbing abilities.

You are doing some amazing things now. Instead of just knocking down the tower of blocks, you gently nudge them, crawl around it to look at it from different angles, pick the top block off, and then smash it. You have started to give me things- handing me some of your food or offering me the chance to chew on your toy(um, thanks). But, oh, I just melt. I see the beginnings of your using objects - like when you hold your block and put it up against your music table, or when you try to put something back into it's place. Seeing this kind of learning growth thrills me so.

You are cruising, walking your car back and forth, and even standing on your own for many seconds until you slowly sit down. Watching you little bow legs and your little diaper-tooshie walking away is the cutest thing in the world.

You are babbling and squealing away from the moment you wake up to the moment you finally pass out. The only exception being when you are concentrating on something or managed to grab the remote and the thrill of this forbidden object in your hands renders you speechless. You hold it with both hands in front of your face in disbelief, and then look to Daddy or me to see our reaction. We say, "No-no!", and then you laugh at us.

I have improved your diet to include more veggies. You like peas the most. I can put down a mix of green beans, carrots, and peas to find that you cleverly pick out only the peas. If you are feeling frisky, the beans and carrots go overboard.

You now enjoy the stroller, which makes me happy too because I can see a jogging stroller in our future. We take you for a walk almost every day in the stroller, but you still love to take an early morning walk with me in your carrier. We see squirrels, dogs, bikers, cats, flowers, trees, and sometimes other babies. We bounce and sing and touch flower petals. Towards the end of the walk, you are getting sleepy and you rest your head on my shoulder and look up at me. Your eyelids get heavy and your little body gets soft and still. I can't fully describe how this sweet moment just fills me up with bliss.

We had a visit from your Grandma Marion and your Aunt Holly. It was a busy, fun week, and I think the highlight was going to the Huntington. Outrageously beautiful place. You saw some wonderful paintings (including one of my favorites), a waterfall, roses, and a Japanese garden. You especially loved the art museum. You babbled so loudly the whole time.

This past month Dad-Dad has been home from work. He goes back to work on Monday. I wonder how you will react. This past month has been great for you two and a great gift for me. I think I would be very happy as a Kalahari Bushmen where we could all forage and work together in our huts. At least we would all be together.

I wonder if all this intensity ever fades. Will I always get this screaming adrenaline rush when you first cry out for me? Will you always move me to hug you so tightly, cover you with kisses, and repeat 'I love you' every 10 minutes? Will you always be the first thought in my head and the last? Will my heart break every time you fall, when another kid is mean to you, or when you wave so sweetly, but the person doesn't even see you?
I know I will always feel so proud of all your accomplishments and cheer you on no matter what. Watching you walk away while you push your car, I know you have that excited look on your face. I clap and cheer even though I know it means one more small step towards your independence. But I will always be right behind you to grab you, kiss you and repeat 'I love you' over and over.

Love,
Mom-Mom

Aidric 9 1/2 Months

2009-05-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

Aidric,

In the past month you have started to develop quite a little personality. You have big grinny, squinty-eyed smiles for Mommy and Daddy, beguiling ones for strangers, and a combination shy-turn-away with bug gummy smile chaser for special occasions.

You love to slap and drum any surface in your path. High chair tray - SLAP. Table top - SLAP. Mammy's belly - SLAP SLAP SLAP.

You are now cruising along everything and even transferring from couch to coffee table. Yesterday you let go of the chair, balanced standing up for 4 seconds, and then sat slowly down. I was so proud of you.

You are getting very good at feeding yourself and having a grand time with that. Then you realize that you have been sitting for 15 whole minutes, and it's time to get moving again, for the love of Pete! Your diet now is pretty diverse. You are eating carrots, polenta, peaches, pears, tofu, Ezekial bread with sunflower seed butter, whole grain waffles with flaxseed oil, blueberries, apricots, cheerios, Crispix, buttered raisin bread toast, kiwi, and yogurt in addition to your staples of sweet potato, banana, cereals, and avocado. Yes, I know, there is very little green veggies in that list.

You are doing all kinds of cute little arm gestures too. Hands up! Then arm out like you are Price Is Right model. Then you wave your hand up in the air! "Hi ceiling fan!"

You are saying, "bubble", "Dad-Dad", "Ma-Ma", and "bob-bob". I think "bob-bob" means Grandma because that's what you said nonstop when you saw her.

You have now tooth #2 coming in! Two razor teeth! The first one appeared about two weeks ago. Now I only nurse you when you are really hungry, so you don't practice your new chomping abilities on me. Ouch.

I haven't talked of this much, but you really don't like the car. If you are napped and fed, and it's not too late in the day, and it's not too hot, and there is no sun hitting you, and Mercury is NOT in retrograde, you will TOLERATE being in the car for maybe 15 minutes. After that, it's inconsolable screaming with so many tears and sweating and hyperventilating, and then my head explodes and collapses in on itself like a neutron star. We don't go too far.

But we go to the playground pretty much every day. You love it now. There are things to climb! And sand to eat! And other babies to watch! Oh, you talk to other babies now and smile at them. I just melt. Thank God the playground is a 5 minute drive!

We had a visit from Christy, Dave, and Hadley and a visit from Grandma. I had my best friend and Mom here for Mother's Day! It was wonderful and also total chaos. Trying to sight see in LA traffic, connect with them, eat, and have fun while coordinating around two different baby schedules, and all in 2 1/2 days. We all survived. I was so moved that Christy, in the midst of rearranging her life to prepare for a new job, decided to spend some of her last days of freedom by coming to visit! Thank you, Christy. That meant so much to me.

And your grandma, my Mom, also came to visit. It was wonderful to see how sweetly you bonded to her. I never heard you babble so loudly like you did with her! We went to the playground, did some shopping, and played with your toys. It was so nice to have someone to talk to and help out a little. Even to have just one relative living here would be wonderful beyond words. But we all have each other and that is the most important thing.

We had another earthquake the other night. We were eating dinner, and you were in your crib sleeping. We ran to you. I had to hold back tears. It wasn't a bad earthquake; Nothing even fell down, but I was terrified for a few minutes waiting to see if there would be more tremors. I held you and didn't let go for an hour. Daddy and I just held hands and looked at each other with renewed thankfulness for what we have.

I think that this 9 month mark has meant a big change in your emotional/mental development. I really see a little boy emerging. You want to investigate and explore your surroundings. MOVE MOVE MOVE. All day long. You are pretty good at entertaining yourself. I am so happy that I had that bliss of holding you all the time before you were crawling. I still treasure our cuddles, nursing time, and our walks. I would miss the early closeness if it wasn't such a blast to see you climb, cruise, and discover all this fun stuff! Like WHEELS! And DOORS! And BUTTONS!

You wake me up at 5:45 with a big old whine. Once I can finally pry my eyes open, I love to see your sleepy, hungry, crinkled up face. Your eyes are pleading for me. I pick you up, bring you back to my bedside to nurse you. We are both warm and drowsy and still. I sit there, just relishing the quiet and feeling your soft weight on my legs and belly. This bliss, too, is temporary.

I love you,
Mommy

Level 1 Mom

2009-05-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

I spoke about feeling depressed in my last post, and I have been warmed and so encouraged by many understanding and supportive responses. I think that depression is a tricky demon because I couldn't see what was happening while I was in it. I feel much better now. I want to go out and do things. I want to visit my friends. That haze of melancholia is gone most days. On the days I feel a bit sad I at least know that it's just hormones and it will go away. The thing that really bothers me about how I was feeling is that I don't remember much. I know there were so many smiles, giggles, milestones, and just the day-to-day things that are gone forever. Those first weeks of sleeping next to Aidric in bed, holding him close constantly, and gazing at each other's faces are so blurry and blend into one image now. Thank goodness we have 100 gigs of pictures and video.

It is such tragedy that the early time with your baby that is expected to be so sacred and joyous can be such a dark and confusing time. Is it just hormones? A chemical cocktail of sleep deprivation levels of melatonin, stress hormones, and all those lovely female hormones making it so hard to climb out from under those feelings?

Or is it that I just don't have the mental and emotional fortitude to handle the difficulties?

You see, I feel that I have spent most of my life just floating along. Too frightened and insecure to take chances and sabotaging them when they came along. I learned to just get by. I would take the easy job with minimum wage, stick to a guy that would have me so I could stop burdening my Mom, and just let the years go by. My friends from high school moved away, found good husbands, made babies and started careers while I painted, traveled, and thought nothing about the future. I shopped at Salvation Army, stole bagels from work, went out dancing, and stayed way too long with guys in co-dependent ignorance.

But eventually women close to me started having babies, and I saw for the very first time how happy that made them. I started to see children as something other that the screeching demons I would notice in CVS. They were amazing and sweet. I saw that look on my friends' faces when they looked at their babies. That look. You know what I mean. I knew I had to experience that. But I wasn't in the right place. I looked at myself. Great. A part time teacher, part time plein air painter, no man, no plan. Oh, well. I guess I will survive without knowing what it's like to be a Mom.

But then I met Mark, and I wanted it all: the house, yard, and baby. Wanted it real real bad. I wanted to live up to the responsibility for once. I wanted Mark to be proud of his wife.

I wanted to be truly challenged. I wanted to be important for something. I wanted to love someone like the way I saw my friends do. And I am, and I do. I only just realized this. I finally feel like I am really living. Sure, I still feel too overwhelmed some days, but I am fighting and trying to be a better person every day. For Aidric. For Mark. For me.

The next big challenge is to balance the things I need to do with being a Mom. I need to paint and practice yoga to be the balanced and calm person I want to be, and to be the role model I want Aidric to see. I just need to figure out how to make that happen when I usually don't have the time to cut my toenails.

We all have challenges in life. Some are environmental, and some are self-inflicted. Would I have had a better experience if we weren't in this awful apartment? What if I had had someone here to help out? I will never know. I can get mad that we have no dishwasher, no laundry, and no central air in the 100 + summers. I can let our crummy landlord get to me. I can curse every motorcycle, fire truck, and helicopter disrupting Aidric's nap. But what good does that do? I know that there are so many people who handle much much worse. And for those of you who have houses with yards, modern conveniences, good jobs, and quiet neighborhoods, I hope you appreciate the kingly affluence you have!

As for me, I feel truly alive, challenged, and adapting. I am focusing on the things that I have that make me happy, rather than the things I would like to have. And I am so blessed to have such good caring friends who have been so understanding. I feel like I am starting out, a level 1 Mom, on a new adventure.

Aidric, 8 1/2 Months

2009-04-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in so long, so I have so much to say. But obviously, I don't have a lot of time to myself to write anymore. I will try to be succinct.

As far as the past few months there have been major changes for me. Same for Aidric, of course. Me first. I never said anything before because, well, I didn't really know I was, and also because I was too embarrassed to say anything. I was depressed. Really depressed. I was finally NOT depressed about a month ago. Only then did I realize how depressed I was. Like when the lights are slowly dimmed and your eyes adjust to the darkness, but then someone turns on the lights. Click. Wow. I feel different.
The months of crying, screaming into pillows, not wanting to go anywhere, feeling SO alone and overwhelmed, and weeks on end with no direct human contact with friends. Bad combo of wacked out hormones, winter, non-napping baby, isolation, no exercise, and sleeplessness. Gosh, when I write it out, no wonder. We new Mommies NEED a face to face community. Sure online helps, but for me it was a cold faceless connection that left me feeling kind of pathetic. Like, why don't I have friends nearby that want to come over? If I had, I think things would have been different. I am feeling like a new person. It was most likely hormones causing me to feel that way, but it was very real nonetheless. Even so, I treasure those first months when it was just Aidric and me learning and getting to know each other.
Now that I am out of the darkness, I am being vigilant in my efforts for that community. Gymboree, playdates, Kindermusic, playground, etc. It is very helpful, and Aidric loves it. Speaking of Aidric...

My Little Man,

You are 8 1/2 months old. You are now crawling, pulling up to standing, climbing, and cruising down the couch and around the table. You have so much energy. By far, the most active baby I have ever seen. You have been crawling for a while and are very speedy and confident now. In fact, you are so fearless and daring that I have heart attacks nearly every day. There have been many bumps and falls, but it never stops you from trying again.

You are eating some finger food now that I dice up for you, and you LOVE it. When you start to fuss when I feed you purees, I just put some sliced fruit or avocado in front of you, and you calm down, gently pick up the pieces and slowly shovel it into your mouth. And then you grin and slap the tray. You are quite expert at picking up your sippy cup and drinking. Then you throw it back down with a BANG. I am starting to teach you how to drink out of a regular cup with some success, but much more dripping.

You are getting over the stranger anxiety a bit. In fact, you bonded really well with your Grandpa Max and Nona when they were here last week. It was beautiful how you trusted them and were so comfortable with them. I felt, for the first time, comfortable leaving you with someone for a little while.

You are gabbing and babbling like crazy. One of my favorite things is to listen to you through the monitor when you wake up. You practice new sounds and talk so sweetly. Then I can't hold myself back, and I run in to pick you up and squeeze you.

You are loving your new baby friends, especially the girls. How can you know already? I can hardly keep you from grabbing them, crawling on them, and touching their hair or pretty clothes. I hope you retain your curiosity and eagerness to make friends, and not be too shy. But even if you do become shy, we will be there to guide you, urging you on.

Now that I am out of my funk, and now that you are becoming so affectionate and expressive, I can't get over how in love I am with you. I can watch you all day long and want more. Every face you make, every sound, every new skill... I just freak out with excitement.

Being with you all day, every day has been so trying at times, with my moods and your super non-napping capabilities. But the motivation to be patient and loving for you, to be a good role model, to make you smile, it all keeps me going. I count my successes and wealth now in the number of your smiles.

It's easier for me now to surrender and enjoy the unique experience that is being your Mommy. I couldn't do that before in the state I was in. But that's all part of it in the end. I'm sorry you saw me crying so often. So many times I would hold you but turn my face away so you wouldn't see me grimacing to hold back my tears. I hold solace, though, in that I want you to know I am a real person, with weaknesses and faults. I am not a perfect person or a perfect Mom. But I do want you to believe that I am magical, and that I can make it all better with a kiss, have eyes in the back of my head, and can teach you how to find the faeries in the forest. You will always wash away all my hurt with your smile, and I hope I can always wash away all your hurt with my limitless love and kiss your owwies away.

Love,

Mommy

Aidric, 6 Months

2009-02-24T15:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Aidric,
You are becoming so independent. You can sit up all by yourself, move around quite a bit, and play by yourself for a while. But you still need me. You need to know where I am at all times. You are my little chubby warden.

This past month you finally met your Grandpa and Grandma Bristol. Grandma Shirley made you that incredible quilt that you play on everyday. It didn't take you long to fall in love with them. Your favorite game was to grab Grandpa's hat off his head and throw it down. You are so lucky to have so many Grandparents who love you so much.

And this past month your only Great Grandma passed away. I am so happy that you two were able to meet at Christmas time. Great Grandma kept your picture next to her until her last day. She was an elegant, lovely lady with a fiery temper and truly giving nature. She saved every piece of tin foil, neatly folded in a drawer. I'm sure she only ever bought one box of tin foil back in 1955. I love that kind of determination.

And this past month has been one of perfecting your skills. No real new milestones, but I see you delighting in your growing ability to move yourself around. You are now a dizzying tornado baby, rolling, scooting, revolving, twisting, and falling. It's no wonder. Your head is so massive compared to the rest of you. You get excited, arch back, and BONK. We surround you with pillows, and somehow you manage to fall back in between them all for the 2 seconds we turn around. I can see the crawling instinct developing, and I am scared shitless. Why do people keep telling me it gets easier? I can still put you somewhere and know you will still be in the same general location when I get back from the bathroom. What do I do when you start crawling?
You want to touch, grab, taste, and throw every single thing you see, in that order. You love paper cups, remotes, paper of any kind (yummy),and cel phones. You try to 'drink' out of bottles and cups.

Your little body had become so strong and able. You try to move about, lifting up with your arms, and frantically kicking your legs like a swimming frog on speed. You end up moving backwards, backing up into things. Then you use that leverage and brace your feet, push your arms, and you are butt-up and squealing with delight. And I have a stroke.

You have started to get your belly up off the floor, and balance for a few seconds on your hands and knees before sliding back down. From a seated position you lurch forward and almost get to the hands and knees position again. When you figure out how to do that, I think our lives will change. And the baby-proofing will frantically commence.

You love to eat. No wonder, as your Daddy and I love, love, love food and don't know how to stop eating it. You love everything we have tried: sweet potatoes, carrots, peaches, pears, peas, cereal, avocado, bananas, and plums. When you see me making your food, you flip out, start squawking, reaching up, and flapping your arms. Much the same way I get when the Ben and Jerry's is softening on the counter. You have resumed your practice of the cutest babbling and singing. I can even hear you talking to yourself when you wake up.

You are still teething, and this past week it must have been really tormenting you. You didn't want to nap, and last night you couldn't sleep. I rocked you til my arms were numb, watching your sweet face contort and finally relax. Watching you fall asleep is the most amazing experience. I fall in love all over again each time.
We made some major changes in your sleeping arrangements. Before, you napped on me. Either strapped to my chest while we walked and walked and walked outside, sometimes for hours. Or you slept on my lap. We did this for months. I knew this needed to change because neither of us were benefiting from it. You were not sleeping very soundly, and I needed to have some autonomy. And you were waking up frequently at night. It was time to teach you haw to sooth yourself to sleep, so you could know that falling asleep is something you can do for yourself.
So now you sleep in your crib. You sleep for 8 to 9 hours at night and take naps there during the day (if you decide to). I never thought I would be saying that. You are so much happier now. You are so strong willed that I know your sleeping will always be work, but I don't feel so helpless now. It has been a huge and wonderful thing for me. I can now be a better Mom to you.

I love looking back on the past 6 months and seeing this sweet evolution of our bond. I think I will always be astounded by the miraculous growth of your mind, body and spirit. I think it will always feel like you are still in my belly, even when I see you scooting around. I think you will amaze me every day for the rest of our time together. When you were a newborn, you slept right next to me and I heard every single breath, hiccup, cough, sneeze, and sound you made. I would wake up out of a sound sleep for every one. It felt like an electric jolt going through my whole body. If you cried out I would get this adrenaline rush too.
Even now that you are in your crib, I still have the same phenomenon happening. I end up lying there, fully awake, waiting for your next noise.

Everything I imagined about being your Mommy is nothing like it actually is. It's so much more. I thought it would be like before, but with this incredible, helpless person with me. I didn't know that having you meant I would be reborn and helpless too. I have to find my place in this world again and figure out how to exist with so much of me captivated and invested in you. But I can't imagine it any other way.

I love you,

Mommy

Aidric: 5 Months

2009-01-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Aidric,

Gosh, there have been so many things I have wanted to blog about, like crazy LA stuff that happens, or the cooky cats, or Christmas fun, but I can't seem to find the time. The fact is I feel like I can't seem to handle anything other than taking care of you. I am in awe of those Moms who seem to be able to make dinner, go to the gym, work, or even clean the house. I tell myself that it's okay. You just need to feel safe and loved. You don't care that we have no modern conveniences. That's more for us, but it's just so annoying. After working all week, Daddy has to go to the laundromat for a few hours instead of being with you. Sometimes I think you wake up at night because the apartment is so cold, or we have the space heater on and it's boiling hot. I have to put you in your neglectosaucer so I can wash all the dishes. It all gets to me sometimes when I am so exhausted. I get envious of those who have homes with yards, laundry rooms, and even dens. But then I think of how there are so many people who have it far worse than us. We have shelter and food and money for fun stuff, so I'll shut up already.

So lets talk about you. You had your first Christmas, New Year's, and saw your first snowfall. You have changed a lot this past month. Your hair is growing in and filling in your bald spots, but you still have an adorable combover. There is this short, fuzzy hair growing in under the long strands that get into your eyes and curl around your ears.

You finally started laughing. You even had a honest to goodness laughing fit. Now Daddy and I do the silliest stuff to get you to laugh.

You figured out how to flip over from your back to your tummy. Now you love tummy time. You can even scoot your little tooshie up in the air and get up on your knees.

You also can now sit up on your own. You went from folding in half onto your face to holding yourself up with your arms to now sitting almost straight up without your arms at all. Every day you can balance longer. It's a thrill to see, and I can tell you get a big rush from it too.

You still love to grab everything, and you are getting so adept with your hands. You grab things with both hands when you need to, and you can now direct where you want things to go.

And you started eating 'solid' food. I pureed some banana, mixed it with breast milk, and you were so thrilled. I couldn't shove the stuff into your mouth fast enough. You cried for more and grabbed the spoon to pull it to your face faster. You weren't as thrilled with rice cereal, but today you were digging the sweet potatoes. I just need to remember to keep the bowl out of your reach.

And you started teething. I could tell because of all the drool, green diapers, and finger chewing. All these changes mean you are sleeping even less than before. Which brings me again to the issue of your sleeping, or lack of:

WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST FREAKING GO TO SLEEP ALREADY?

I have known you now for 5 months, and I can honestly say that you have never napped without protest. Never.

Taking care of you is more challenging than I could ever have imagined. Not because any task requires a genius IQ and not because you have tons of emotional baggage for me to deal with. All I need to do is make sure you are warm, fed, clean, and safe. Easy, right?

I am so proud of you. You amaze me every day. I love to see the reactions you get in public. You give smiles to strangers and make their day. I can see in your face now a little of the boy you will grow to be. Your eyebrows are so animated now, and you have a million new expressions, many different kinds of smiles, and even new kinds of giggles.

I have never been so excited about my future. I get to see you learn things, push yourself, look to me for comfort, laugh, oh, and cry. I live every one of those things right there with you. Just the other night you were sitting on my lap, and we had a mild earthquake. Daddy was sitting next to us. I grabbed his arm and said,"Oh, no." We waited for the next jolt, but nothing happened. I was terrified. Before you were born these tremors didn't bother me. Being alive is so different now.

This past month has been one of challenges, yours and mine. You seem challenged by wanting to move on your own, but not yet able to. I feel challenged by your new relationships with your environment. You don't need me to do everything for you anymore. You can amuse yourself. You can push things away or bring them closer. Seeing you discover the thrill of that is so intoxicating.

I am now faced with that contradiction that is being a Mom. I have a new role. I am no longer your whole environment, your whole world. My body is no longer your entire source of food. You have new toys other than my hands or my hair. I can now put you down so you can explore your tiny world. It's thrilling to see you grow like this, and yet those simple things are so painful for me. You have shown me what it really means to be human. I have felt more emotion since you came to me than the whole of my life before. Now I will be your teacher too, showing you what this life can be.

I love you.

Aidric, Four Months

2008-12-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hey, Little Man, you are four months old. We just went to Dr. Boxtein today. You have had quite a growth spurt. At your two month visit Dr. Boxtein looked serious as he said you were at the very bottom of your percentile chart. I noticed on one of the bills the notes said 'failure to thrive'. That phrase hurt. I know you are happy and thriving. Well, at least now nobody can say you are failing at thriving. At 17 weeks you were 14 pounds, 26 1/2 inches long, and your head is 16 1/2 inches around. Way to go! I am happy all those night feedings weren't for nothing. You still sleep right next to me, but pretty soon you will move to your crib simply because you hardly fit in the bassinet anymore. The crib will be about five feet away, but it will seem so far. I won't be able to reach over to touch you, or look over to see your sleeping face. And, oh, you have started to gurgle and coo for a while when you wake up. I lie there and smile, waiting for you to need me.

This past month you have really discovered your hands and feet. You grab anything you can reach with a bionic kung fu grip, and you do not let go. Grab, grab, grab. There is not one waking moment when you are NOT grabbing and holding something. Your favorite thing to grab is my hair, with Daddy's chest hair a close second. I am so amazed at how well you can reach out and grasp something with such accuracy. I think you have better depth perception than I. Of course whatever you have grabbed you bring to your mouth to investigate. We have started reading little books, and you turn the pages. I nearly fell over.

I am pretty sure an international declaration was made that a baby holding his own feet is the cutest thing on earth. You do that too.

We went to visit Christy, Dave and Hadley last month. You were so good on the plane rides. And you have a huge crush on Christy now. I knew you would though. She has that effect on a lot of people. It was fabulous - hanging out with my best friend in the whole wide world and our new families. While we were there we put you into Hadley's playseat. You had never seen anything like that before. At first you seemed overwhelmed, but soon got it. When we got home we put you in your very own playseat. Now you have a jumparoo. And once you realized you could jump up and down, you have never been so psyched! Now you squeal with delight.

Speaking of squealing, your vocabulary has really blossomed to include some very loud outbursts. You even startle yourself. Every day sees you becoming more of an expert at grabbing and holding. I love seeing your world expand with your new abilities. I can tell you are seeing so much more too. You drink it all in tirelessly and always seem to want more, more, more. Needless to say, getting you to nap is still a challenge.

You love to go outside. I can tell when we have been inside for a while, and you just get antsy. You definitely get that from me. Which reminds me - you are now looking more like me this month. Probably the chubbier cheeks. Your hair has been slowly falling out, and new hair is growing in. I think it looks like a dark blonde. Of course, I think you are so very adorable and gorgeous and beautiful. People say that baby boys are more affectionate than girls. I don't like generalizations like that, but you are really very sweet and love to get kisses and hugs. I love how you relax and melt into me when I pick you up.

This past month for me has given me a new perspective. I have had a few moments of seeing you differently. Like when you are in your jumparoo or sitting in your chair, when you are totally engaged in what you are doing. You don't need me there for a few minutes. I talk to you, and you look up and smile so big, and then turn back around to your toy. I walk into the kitchen and feel different than before. Then I will watch you learn how to manipulate a new toy so quickly, deftly moving it in your hands, and I think of how just a few weeks ago you could hardly even grab things. I stand there in awe, and then feel so proud and a little sad that you are changing so fast. I know you still need to know I am there, but you have taken that very first tiny step of independence.

I love you so much,
Mommy, Mom, Mummy, Momma.

Aidric, 3 Months

2008-11-09T16:39:00.000-08:00

Wow! Three months old. And it has been a year from zygote to now. Your conceiv-iversary. You have had your first Halloween and went to vote with us at a history making election. I am so proud that this country is so keyed up to work towards a better future for you. I know that your Daddy and I are going to work even that much more to keep you safe, happy, and prosperous.

Don't worry, Obama won!

There have been so many amazing new fun things this past month. You are so smiley, and you give smiles away now to new faces, not just mine and Daddy's. And there is a definite gleeful little giggle now accompanying these smiles. I hope you someday experience the kind of heart bursting, intoxicating happiness I feel when you smile at me.

You still love to talk and tell great stories about which I never tire of hearing. Now you like to interject a lot of loud 'GAH's and 'HEH's, I assume to express your excitement over your ever expanding awareness. It is so exciting. I wish I could remember what it's like - to see trees and flowers and clouds for the very first time. You have discovered the cats, watching them and following their movements, keeping a curious and delighted look. Even smiling at their furry faces. You like to stare at the walls and ceilings, smiling at corners and lightbulbs. Or maybe you are seeing your spirit guides and guardian angels, while they whisper to you how much you are loved. You still do not like your swing very much, but you now like your bouncy chair where you can talk to your frog and grab and kick the duck. You're still not sure about the vibrating part.

Frog and Duck

You are also getting so strong and big. You have now more than doubled your birth weight. You just started moving your legs in a crawling way in tummy time. You inch forward from the force, but your arms don't keep up, and you face plant yourself because you end up on top of your arms. I think it's so cute, but you would rather be right side up. You are an expert now at rolling over from your tummy to your back. So cool.
The most fun thing is you just found your hands. They have found each other too. I find you rolling your hands over each other, and I can't stop myself from going,"Mwaa-ha-ha-ha!" You can grasp things now, like my pinkie, your duck rattle, even your own thigh and adorable little unmentionables. Every day you gain more control over your hands. When you see something you reach your hand slowly, get very focused, and grab your goal with the most amazed look. Just the other night, while I was nursing you, I was watching The Daily Show and felt something tickle my chin. I looked down, and you were looking at me and gently touching my face. I was paralyzed with emotion. Little Man, I can't describe how that made me feel. Thanks.

I still have not been able to get you to nap. Last month I tried to convince myself that it's just the way you are and that's that. But I still need to get us on some kind of schedule. Having a nice routine is the best way for you to feel safe and content. But after a month of trying, I still can't get you to fall asleep and/or stay asleep on any consistent basis. And now I am afraid of having any bad habits(like letting you sleep on boppy while nursing) stick. I am ashamed to admit the times I have buried my face in pillows to scream and cry out of frustration and exhaustion. After having put you down and picked you up, and put you down again and again. After the hours of rocking and walking to have you sleep for 20 minutes. There are many days that I have done little else. I don't know what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing that I should. I just want to do the best for you, and not getting you to nap feels like a painful failure. I am so sorry, my sweet baby boy. It's so hard not to go down the road of self blame. Why do other Moms seem to have such an easier time? I wish I could say that I can get you to sleep, but most of the time I can't. But I will not give up.

If I had to sum up this past month, I guess it would be that I feel more familiar with you and your personality, and more familiar with being a Mom. I have relaxed a bit, letting you hang out in your chair for a little while so I can shower or eat. I felt too guilty to do that before. I feel more confident what your body language, cries, and little sounds mean. I feel I know how to avoid a meltdown if caught in time. I can see your great personality already. When you sigh after your big yawn and when you do a little pre-sneeze sneezelet. When you babble a bit when you wake up and fuss. Especially when you carry on excited conversations with your frog. You are loving the outdoors and walks. If you get cranky, going outside usually does the trick. Looking forward to finding and nurturing more of your personality.

Being your Mom is such a privilege. I think you are an old soul and you picked us for some reason. I feel I have a lot to learn from knowing you, Old Soul. Even though I know my days of screaming into pillows, showerless days, and cold meals have only begun, I don't care, I will do everything I can to be the Mommy you deserve.

I love you,

Mommy

Aidric, Month Two

2008-10-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Aidric,

You are two months old! And again, it is all going way too fast. But I feel now that I am a little more rested and focused, so my time with you is even more intensely wonderful. Maybe because I am a little, teeny bit less confused about what your cries and sounds mean, I feel better connected with you. Yes, that is what this month has really meant: a new connection. You went from being connected to me physically by being part of my body, to a month of either sleeping not more that 18 inches away, attached to my breast, or nodding off in my arms. But now, when you look us in the eye, you react by smiling, waving your arms and legs like wild, and making these soul caressing sounds. You started smiling right before you were 5 weeks old. When I thought it would be impossible to be any more in love with you, you smile, and a new world record in loving is made.

You now watch us talk so intently, and then mimic us in your own little sentences. I can tell you love doing this; Your eyes light up and you kick your legs and reach out with your arms. Then you look back at my face for more. You have a whole little vocabulary now of sounds. When you are bored or wonder where I went, you let out a loud "GAH!" I call it your warning. It means, "Someone better come here right now!" You now weave your 'hn-gee', 'ah-hoo', and 'a-gow' into new sounds and sentences. So amazing. I sing 'I love you' from Paul McCartney's Silly Love Song, and you sing it back to me. Bliss.

You are still not a big fan of tummy time, but you are getting really good at pushing yourself back over to your back. Now I prop you up on the boppy and put a mirror in front of you. You like that. You can hold your head up pretty well for some time, but then you need a rest.

We have started to go out too. Our first trip out other than doctors' visits was to Trader Joe's, and you were just fine. And we went to see Daddy at work one day. You were not so happy that day. Luckily, you love to go for walks with us, and now that the weather outside is finally less of a furnace, we can actually go out. Both of us have just been a sweaty mess since you were born. I have been looking forward to cooler weather so we can put you in the Moby wrap or the sling. Plus, you look so adorable wearing jammies.

You don't nap as much as you are expected to, but I think it's just part of who you are. So we just hang out, walk, talk, and play all afternoon. I certainly don't mind, as I have learned to read you better. I get to witness all these developments, big or small. Like how you 'point' with your index finger now, or how your hair is getting lighter. I watched you slowly and deliberately bring your hand to your mouth, pull it back, and then pull it close again. You little genius. You have gotten so much bigger and chubbier. When I look at pictures of you from just a few weeks ago, I can hardly believe how much you've changed. While you are getting better at amusing yourself for a little while in your bassinet, you also have perfected your crying style (through LOTS of practice) when you are tired and won't sleep or when you need food NOW. You are already your own little individual. You don't like all those stereotypical baby things like swings, pacifiers, car rides, or vibrating chairs. That's cool, Little Guy. You be you. I love you for it.

Your Daddy and I went out to the frame store last week while your Grandpa Max and La Nona Peggy watched you. It was the first time I was not in the same room with you. The whole time I was out, it felt like I had forgotten something very important, like wearing pants. I know our relationship will always change and evolve. I hope you always look to me for comfort and nurturing and strength.
There are moments when I am drifting off to sleep after nursing you in the middle of the night, and I lie next to you, when I feel I am you. Like we are of the same stuff, just temporarily separated. We drift off to sleep as I still feel your soft little hands on my skin and your amazing sweet baby scent in my head. You are a super concentrated piece of my heart now in the form of a tiny perfect helpless body. When you cry, I have never felt such anguish. But when you smile and 'talk', my heart leaps with a feeling beyond description. Thank God I get to experience that pain and ecstasy through this new connection with you.

I LOVE YOU,

Your Mommy

New Grandparents

2008-10-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

Mark's Dad, Max, and Step-Mom, Peggy, are out here visiting from Connecticut for the month of October. Aidric is their first Grandbaby. Celebration!
They have been so helpful, bringing food, watching Aidric (even when he cries!), and keeping us company. And they love our Little Man!

La Nona

Grandpa

Proud

It is so wonderful to have some help too. And all day alone with baby is wonderful, but sometimes lonely. Having company is a treat. When they leave, who wants to take over?

Grandma Marion and Aunt Holly

2008-09-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

Hanging out with Aunt Holly

Gramma Marion, Aunt Holly, and Aidric

Looks like a reach, but was probably a punch!

Mark's Mom, Marion, and his sister, Holly, came to visit from Nashville last week. They were a great help to us. And they were thrilled to meet Aidric, of course. They didn't seem to mind hanging out with us all day at all.

Man, oh, man do I miss having company now that everyone is gone and Mark is back to work. But Little Man keeps me quite busy, and I don't mind looking at him all day. Could do that forever and ever.
Except when finally I see an adult size head, it looks HUGE.

One Month

2008-09-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

I would like to steal Dooce's idea and write letters to Aidric. It seems natural to write as if I am talking to him. I want both of us to have these musings later on. So that I can remember these times, which are blurring by at amazing speed. And so Aidric can have this if he is ever curious.

Aidric,

You are a month old. The only thing negative I have to say is that my time with you is going way too fast. You change every day. You continue to do things which astound me. And a month later, my eyes burn wet with tears when I think of your birth. I have a big lump in my throat right now trying to hold in the love. Your Daddy and I are still adjusting to our new improved life with you. I am trying to learn how to fit my own needs into the day. Days which you consume hungrily, like you consume my heart.

The week after you were born, I noticed your eyelashes and eyebrows growing so fast. Your eyelashes are so coppery, and your eyebrows look brownish. Your hair is like nothing I have ever seen - blond roots and brown ends. We love your little foot reflex of wrapping your toes around our finger. You already would "walk" and press your feet into the ground when we hold you up. Yesterday, you pushed yourself over from your tummy to your back. Freaked us out. And just like your parents, you absolutely love to pig out. I think you look just like your Daddy, but I can see a little of me too. You are tall. Everyone remarks so. You can thank your Grandpas for that.

In just one month you have started making these sweet little sounds. "Ah-yoo", "Nghee", and "Hoo". You can track my face or your rattle toy back and forth, up and down. You grab for things, especially my hair. You seem to be focusing on more things, and you can find me with your eyes from across the room. Just the other day, you were in your bassinet, making little sounds and hanging out. I came into the room to check on you, hoping you were drifting off, and when you saw me you did a double take and started to cry for attention. You've already figured out you can manipulate Mommy. Little Stinker.

Oh, and heartaches of all heartaches, you are starting to make tears. I cannot handle that.

This first month has been all about keeping you safe in our home, away from the real world. You are our little treasure that we are keeping all to ourselves. I know it hasn't been too exciting. Just eating, sleeping, diaper changes, and a little playtime on the couch. I melt when I see your Daddy holding you and smiling at you.

We love you so much that it has shocked us. We feel so honored to have you with us and so proud of you already as a person.

Every morning you wake up at dawn. Your eyes are bright and wide awake, calmly looking around in wonder. The traffic noise hasn't started yet. The sky is turning silvery, and we can feel the cool morning air drifting in. This is the sweetest time of the day with you, our special loving time when you smile and coo, and I kiss you a million times. We look at each other, studying the faces we see. I wonder what you are thinking and feeling. As for me, I am thinking that I hope I never take you for granted. I am thinking what a miracle you are. I am feeling completely captive to the love I have for you. My Little Man.

Heirloom

2008-09-13T14:06:00.001-07:00

This beautiful quilt was made by my amazingly talented Step-Mom, Shirley. When I see how much care and work went into the crafting of this quilt, I am blown away. My Dad has sung her praises on his blog. We have been the lucky recipients of her handmade Christmas ornaments and jewelry. Now Aidric has this heirloom that we can hand down through the family.

Thank you so much, Shirley!

Photo Shoot

2008-09-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

Two weeks before Aidric was born, Nikki, who shot our wedding photos, was here and took some preggie pictures. They came out amazing of course. Here are some of my favorites.

Outdoor shots are always so nice.

Big ole' belly.

We love to go for long walks down these streets. Can't wait to take Aidric along!

Elephants

2008-09-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

When a new baby elephant is born, all the females in the herd gather around to shield the laboring mom elephant. When the little one is born they all take turns feeling the baby with their trunks. Aside from proving that elephants are amazing emotional creatures who make strong bonds, it makes me think of how all the wonderful Moms in our family are gathering around us to welcome our new Little Man.

Here is my Mom and Sis, who were out last week. They say they didn't mind traveling 3000 miles just to watch me nurse all day long. Aidric just loved his Grandma and Auntie. And I was so happy to have them here!

And now Mark's Mom and Sis are here! The herd is big and so loving! I am one lucky elephant.

Here is Auntie Teri

Aidric's Birth Story, Part III

2008-08-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

The new nurse, Stacy the Scolder, came over and said, "Oh, yeah. Call Dr. Wu. She's ready to go!" I was awake.

Ana, Mark, and Rebecca helped me sit up. All of a sudden my legs were in these supports, which was necessary because I couldn't move my legs at all. Ana was on my left and Mark on my right, each holding a leg and pulling it toward me when I needed to push. My legs felt like huge dead weights. I had no idea if I was 'pushing' at all, being numb from the waist down, but I guess I was doing it right because I could see more and more of your head with every push. (They had a mirror for me to see.) When the monitor showed a contraction was happening, I pushed as hard as I could. I felt euphoric and trance like. Everything was happening so fast. Seeing what was happening in that mirror and not feeling it was surreal, almost like I was watching someone else. I kept looking at Mark to keep me grounded and focused. My emotions for him were so strong during the whole time. He was now the father of my baby.

Now we were getting worried that Dr, Wu wasn't going to get there in time. They told me to stop pushing, but your tiny head was inching out on it's own. Mark and I looked at each other. Someone had better get down there to catch. Finally, the wirey frame of Dr. Wu appeared, and in a flash he 'made it all blue.' Blue sheets were spread out all over. Dr, Wu was all in blue with a blue mask on. I couldn't see the mirror anymore. I pushed one more time, and your head popped out with a big gush of water which made your Daddy gasp in surprise. Before I had a chance to prepare, I saw you.

Everything disappeared except for you. As your body emerged from mine, you made the sweetest little sounds, and your arms were reaching out. I wish words could describe what I felt, Little Man, when I first saw you. All I can say is I was sobbing then, and I still cry every time I think about it. I knew you, like I had always known you. Like I was reunited with the biggest love of my life that I hadn't seen in a lifetime. I was able to hold you right then for a few seconds. You were warm, soft, and juicy. It is by far the most intense, dreamy, life changing experience I have ever had or ever will have.

They took you right away to the NICU team to clean out your lungs just in case you inhaled any meconium. Daddy went over to cut your umbilical cord. I delivered your placenta, and got a chance to see where you lived for the past 40 weeks. What a cool thing; A vital organ my body makes for you, and then just lets it go.

And then they brought you back over to us. You smelled so strongly of that very human, primal smell. It's like no other scent in the world.

Here is the whole gang:

Mark, me, you, Dr. Wu. Rebecca, and Ana Paula.

You were born at 4:13 am on Thursday, August 14th, weighing 6 pounds, 8 ounces, and 20 inches long.

Then slowly, everyone left. Ana and Rebecca said goodbye, and it was just the three of us. You always hear it said, "Eeeeverything changes when you have a baby." I always figured that meant, of course, that now you have a new completely dependent little person in your life. Your priorities change, your schedules change, your focus changes, your selfishness disappears. But what I was totally unprepared for was this big change in my perception. I feel my whole consciousness has changed. My awareness. Nothing looks the same. Our apartment, our neighborhood, everything once familiar now feels different somehow. I was changed forever in that moment I first saw you.

Aidric's Birth Story, Part II

2008-08-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

You are two weeks old today, Baby. Little Leo. Little Lionheart. These two weeks have been the fastest in my whole life. I'm a little sad that my time with you already seems to go by too fast. But just a little sad, and it's not enough to affect the bliss of having you here on the outside where I can kiss you and cuddle you. And take your picture.

I am amazed at the changes I can see already. Your eyelashes get longer every day, and your eyebrows are filling in. I think they look like my eyebrows, but hopefully they will turn out to be Daddy's. Your cheeks are getting chubbier and more easily nibbled. You like to power nurse most of the day, and are tending to sleep for longer chunks at night, which makes me so very happy. FYI, Mom is much happier and a better Mom when she gets more than 3 half hour sleep sessions overnight. We have also noticed that as you fall asleep, you get this frightened look on your face and whimper. Like you are not sure what's happening with this whole falling asleep thing. And in those seconds, my heart breaks when I see that frightened look. The entire spectrum of emotions run through me as I observe all your expressions. Your little half smile fills my heart till it bursts, and when you look directly into my eyes, I become a weepy mess.

So onto your birth story:

We were all crowded into the triage area, which was basically this narrow long room with curtains separating all us laboring women. The space was about 8 by 8 feet, and the folks on either side would press into the curtain or push a chair into our space. So Ana Paula, the doula, Rebecca, the midwife, Mark, you, and I were all in this little space. The very sweet nurse, Stacy C., tried a few times to get an IV port into me, blowing out one of my veins. So I got some IV fluids, a pulse thingie on my finger, a fetal heartbeat monitor on my belly, and a innie contraction monitor(it fits in between my uterus and baby's head), which Dr. Wu recommended. Had I known how excruciating it would be to get that thing in, I never would have agreed to it.

So now I have tubes coming out of my arm, my crotch, and a thingie on my finger. And I realize that a contraction while lying down in bed is about ten thousand times more painful than one at home where I could move around and hold onto Mark. And the contractions were getting so strong. I started my rebellious reputation with the nurses by refusing to just lie there. And by eating grapes. Ana and Rebecca were so awesome because they would explain everything to us. What this procedure meant, or do we really need to do this, etc. Because the nurses, as awesome as they were, were so ridiculously overworked and didn't have the time to answer all my questions.

We were there in triage for a little over three hours, so I had time to think about what happened. We had planned and done so much to ensure a beautiful, peaceful, home birth. I had made special music CDs for labor and after. We had all the towels, blankets, and medical stuff all set up. I had visualized, meditated, and dreamed about how your entrance into the world was going to be in your home, calm, surrounded only by loving wise women, your Daddy and me. I knew that the plan was really more for us than for you, Little Man. But it was for you. I didn't want you to be touched first by strangers, in a room full of machines, and getting the toxic effects of my anesthesia and cow derived pitocin.

But I knew we had to make the best of it, and we were going to have fun. You were going to be born soon. How could we not be thrilled? I softened and surrendered to the situation, the situation you seemed to need. I was relaxed and excited too. We finally got a room around 11:30. I was checked (6 cm!). And then a very funny man stuck a needle and tube into my spinal cord. Mark was very uneasy and a little terrified while that was happening. But he stayed strong for me. We decided to give me an epidural to relax my super-cervix so it would finally dilate. Dr. Wu said that it felt like a tight band was there on the cervix and wouldn't stretch any further. So then my legs became numb and paralyzed, and I fell asleep. Woke up around 1:30 am and Ana, Rebecca, and Mark were eating In-N-Out burgers, and I scored some fries. New nurse (also named Stacy) caught me eating and scolded me. I was still 6 cm, so they gave me more pitocin. We all talked and I told them my recipe for whoopie pies, and promised to make them some soon. I fell asleep again, and woke up around 3:40. Ana and Rebecca looked over at me, and they knew immediately. We didn't even need the nurse to check. We could see your little fuzzy head peaking out!

to be continued...

Aidric's Birth Story, Part I

2008-08-26T11:45:00.001-07:00

There are many reasons to write your birth story. Because everyone has asked for it. Because I never want to forget the moment I was able to touch you. Because someday you might want to know.

You were born 12 days ago. And this is the first moment I have had to write because we have been completely selfish and in love. You absolutely love to nurse. And I absolutely love to nurse you. This morning, when I was nursing you in bed, Daddy snoozing next to us, you grasped my fingers with your little strong hands like usual. Except, you started to gently, lovingly stroke my index finger with your fingers. It was so deliberate and sweet, that I sobbed tears down onto you.

When you sleep, I sleep. And since you do nothing but nurse and sleep, that's been my life too. Your Daddy has been wonderful; washing our clothes, making food, cleaning up, and video taping every second. Be assured, we have video of you sleeping, eating, waking, looking around, and then sleeping some more.

We have taken you outside a few times to show you the silhouette of the trees against the sky, and feel the breeze on your skin. And so I can get a few minutes of sunshine. I have sung a million songs to you. It's funny, I felt a little weird singing when you were in my belly. Now I can't stop. We call you "Little Man" and "Baby Boy". Yes, I know, very original.

Okay, well onto your story. I wrote before about how, starting on August 4th (your due date), I had 10 days of 'false' labor. There was nothing 'false' about the pain, though. On Monday, August 11th, we went to see Dr. Wu for the Non Stress Test and to see how much amniotic fluid you had around you. Throughout all the contractions, your heartbeat was always so strong. You were always, like, what contractions? And the same went for the test. But your little house was drying up.

Rebecca, wonderful midwife, taking my blood pressure.

To speed things along, I took castor oil, a very tried and true midwife solution to getting labor started. It is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever done. And daddy and I walked and walked. And walked, until I couldn't be far from the bathroom. And again, the contractions came on strong and regular all night long, and again, slowed down towards morning. On Tuesday, we tried acupuncture to get things going again. And they did, full force that evening. We all thought this was it. Your waters broke, nice and clear. But again, things petered out towards morning. We didn't need to worry about infection because we had tested negative for Group B Strep. But by Wednesday your waters started to tinge a little greenish. You had pooped.

Mark, helping me through a contraction.

So Wednesday, after contractions started up again, and I was at 4 cm for most of the day with no further dilation, we decided to go to the hospital for some medical assistance. It seems I have a super strong cervix, one which Dr. Wu said should be studied, because there are so many women with weak ones. So off we went, in rush hour traffic, to the hospital. Ana Paula, our doula, and Rebecca, our midwife, came along.
They had been so patient, coming over so many nights when I was sure that was the night, and then going home in the morning. They are angels in the real world.

We had called ahead, but when we arrived at the hospital, there were no rooms. And we were ushered to the claustrophobic triage area, where my contractions decided to come on again full force.

to be continued.....

Aidric Max Covell

2008-08-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Born August 14th at 4:13 am, 6 lbs, 8 oz, 20 in.

He is everything I ever dreamed.

Prodromal Labor

2008-08-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this. Partly because by writing, it becomes more real. And partly because I want to keep positive about this part of the pregnancy. And partly because I don't want to sound negative or complaining.
I am positive and so happy. Positive about the birth and health of Baby Boy. I have had a wonderful pregnancy - being able to go to yoga, and go for walks, and feeling so strong.

But I have not slept since Sunday night. Well, I mean, slept more than 20 minutes at a time, except for a few blissful hours Tuesday night. I have what my midwife calls 'prodromal labor'. Which basically means my uterus is doing all the things that a laboring uterus should do, like contract. A lot. With pain. But with no advancement. And no end. The prodromal, or false labor, hurts just as much as true labor. The only difference is no baby.

During the day, it is better. Something to do with estrogen levels. But since Monday night, the contractions come every 4 to 10 minutes all night long. During the day, I can actually go out and function somewhat normally. But starting at about 1 am and going to 9 am, I am contracting like crazy.

So I have been enduring this for 5 nights. All I can do is pray that true labor will start and end the nighttime torture and sleeplessness. For some women this goes on for weeks. There is nothing I can do. This does not mean there is anything wrong. I am healthy. Baby is healthy. My uterus is just a super uterus, and she likes to really, really prepare and practice. My sanity is paying the price, though. One positive thing - when true labor finally happens, it should seem like a piece of cake compared to this. I hope I didn't just curse myself.

I had never heard of this, even with the stacks of pregnancy books I have read. I just have to sleep and rest when I can. I have loved getting all your notes of excitement and anticipation. And the grandparents-to-be call with hopes of new news. But please accept my apologies for not answering the phone right now, or getting back to you.
I need to just get through this because the most beautiful baby is waiting for me to be strong and be there for him 100%.

Aaaaaannnnd, GO!

2008-08-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

We learned in our childbirth classes the signs of early labor. They are:
1. Losing the mucous plug.
2. Breaking of the water.
3. Contractions.

During the first stages of early labor (which can last weeks), the cervix softens, begins to thin out, and dilate. Contractions last from 10 to 45 seconds and are spaced out. One thing they don't dramatize on TV is the 'mucous plug'. What a horrible term. My doula likes to call it 'baby gel'. Much nicer. But they don't tell you that it means you basically leak 'baby gel' constantly for who knows how long. I have to wear Depends now.

Well, Monday night I had signs #1 and #3. And the contractions started very energetically, every 5 minutes. So we were very excited! But by morning , the contractions pretty much subsided. I did not sleep. There is no way one can sleep through contractions. It would be like sleeping through an Indian burn.

So Tuesday goes by without any real contractions. My midwife tells me that this stage of labor can last a week. Now I'm confused and a bit frustrated and very excited. And I get to sleep Tuesday night (heaven). Around 5:30 Wednesday morning, more contractions. But now they feel low and come every 20 minutes or so. And I can sleep in between them.
All day Wednesday, I get occasional contractions. I feel more optimistic that this is a good sign. I can tell Baby Boy is very, very low now. There is nothing like the feeling of a head inside your pelvis.

Well, there is the update. This stage may last a while. But I really hope not. Going to have a good talk with BB tonite about the virtues of punctuality.

Ding!

2008-08-04T14:47:00.000-07:00

40 Weeks! Ding!

Can you believe it?
I still feel so good, even though I have definitely slowed down some and am sleeping more. He has dropped, so I have my healthy appetite back and can eat more than 3 almonds at a time without getting full and getting heartburn. No longer on the 20 Tums a day diet. Amen and halleluja!

I was out to eat the other night, and had to go to the bathroom (of course). As I was waiting in the line (gah!), a girl of maybe 22 turns my way, looks at me and exclaims, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!"
"I am?!?" I said. "Oh, no! I'd better tell my husband!"
Ha Ha.
"When are you due?" Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that!
"Monday"
I swear her eyes bugged out of her head, and she looked at me like I was a live grenade, ready to explode my innards all over her and the bathroom walls. Real fear was in her eyes.
I felt so powerful.

I wonder if I am going to care that pretty soon I will no longer be the topic of all conversations I have. Most of the time, I strangely like it. I never thought I would take to talking about myself so much. But folks seem genuinely interested. Every once and a while I have a conversation and my pregnant state never comes up, and I like that too.

I think I will be ecstatic to have all talk be about the Little Guy instead.

Check this out:
11.......19.........23......26.......30.......36........40

The Original Furbaby

2008-08-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

Cato has enjoyed all the new things in which to sleep. And has enjoyed the millions of boxes that have invaded our house. He thinks it is all for him. While on the changing pad, he actually let me put a diaper on him, giving me his warning face. He jumped out before we could take a picture of it.

We ended up not keeping this very frilly bassinet. Cato was crushed.

He loves the Preggle pillow. Perfect kitty shape.

Cato is unusual in that he likes to go for rides, or at least it seems like he doesn't mind. He was hoping to get out for a drive.

Bedroom Redo Part II

2008-07-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

A while ago I posted about the bedroom redo. Since then we have updated with an IKEA wardrobe ( I still wet myself when I open it and see all the space and potential for organization), and a whole bunch of Baby stuff. I scored big with a visit to a great little second hand baby stuff store: bassinet/cosleeper, onesies, books, play gym, boppy, and car seat snuggler.

BEFORE:

NOW:

There is the wardrobe. I love it.
And the paper grocery bags next to it hold receiving blankets and towels for the birth. They will get warmed up and used to catch slippery new Baby.
And the new duvet. It doesn't look like it goes with the wall color, but it does.
Still on the search for the perfect curtains.

BEFORE:

NOW:

Here is the Baby corner. And Clouseau saying, 'Hello. Please give me food.'
I put up the shelf this morning to hold diapers, wipes, and gin.
You can see the new hampers, diaper pail, bassinet, and cute hanging door baby clothes hamper (Thanks, Christy!). We should be getting the changing pad any day now. It will go on top of the dresser, which now holds a million blankets, onesies, and diapers. The same dresser that used to hold my goth clothes and lingerie.

All you wise Moms can tell me what else I need to do to make this battle station fully armed and operational.

The cosleeper will attach to the bed, and we can move it around during the day. Next to bassinet are more baby things which I have no idea where to store.

And here is the mess still left in the living room. The car seat and stroller will be put in car this weekend. Big IKEA boxes will be thrown away, and huge swing will just have to be in the way, I guess.

So things are coming together, and it feels good.

Last Sketches

2008-07-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

These are the last figure sketches from my sketch group. All done.

This is Toni. She brought her own music to class, and it was as if she took my own iPod. It's fun to find a music buddy.

And this is Forrest. Very nice guy. Great model. Listened to a book on tape as he posed.

My Husband Is So Awesome!

2008-07-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

Saturday night was the Hi-Fructose group show opening at the Copro Nason gallery. Mark had five pieces in the show and SOLD ALL OF THEM.

It was great that the gallery put his pieces together on a separate wall.

Here are some great friends. Left to right: Monica and Phil Straub, Ana, Chris, and Mark. (Just ignore smiley drunk in the background. Don't know who that is.)

I can't believe I made it five hours there on my feet with the weight of massive boobs and belly pressing down. But the thrill of seeing my husband do so well was what I needed to persevere.

Congrats again, Baby.

T Minus Three Weeks

2008-07-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

I don't want it to end so soon. But on the other hand, I am super psyched to meet the little guy who has been tenderizing my insides. Will he look like Mark? Will he have hair or be bald?

But I love being pregnant and would like an extra month, as long as I can stay feeling the way I am now, just without all the sweating.

Because pregnancy has felt like this:

Month 1 - not feeling any different at all, except for the thrill of knowing your pregnant, but also knowing the cold hard percentages of being of 'advanced maternal age.' What a vomitous term.

Month 2, 3, and most of 4 - 24 hour nausea. Can't stand the sight of, smell of, or mention of food. Eat toast, but have to run into the other room while it is toasting, or else the smell will make me throw up.

Month 4 - put on partial bedrest until...

Month 5 - Did I wake up today and feel not nauseous? And you say I can do some exercise now? I do a happy dance! But, wait, now I look like chubby girl, not glowing pregnant girl.

Month 6 - still look like chubby girl. When will I look pregnant? Oh, yeah...

Month 7 - YAY! I feel incredible and look pregnant.

Month 8 - ditto

Month 9 - so far, ditto again!

So after all that, I just want to keep enjoying being the conversation piece in the room. I want to keep enjoying feeling this tiny precious soul living and moving in my belly. I want to enjoy nurturing and growing him with my own flesh and blood. It's okay, little buddy, squish my stomach to the size of a walnut and punch my bladder all you want. You don't know how awesomely mind blowing it is to have you in there. I started to feel aware of your own awareness not to long ago. I wish I had the words to describe what it is like to feel your sweet spiritual energy inside me. You are so newly made from that Divine womb, and then you blessed my own. I am so privileged to experience that kind of energy. To know you are made of the same stardust I am. Made of atoms that have been here since the beginning of the universe, waiting for you. Atoms you plucked from me to build yourself. But don't worry, I also see you as the gorgeous human who makes mistakes, wants to kick and scream, and who will love.

Just feel free to take your time, just not too much time. Okay?

36 Weeks, Now With Even More Belly!

2008-07-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, my, yes. Look at that belly! There is a baby in there.

I am now in month 9, according to some calenders. Next week I am officially 'full term' and safe to birth until 42 weeks. I wish I had taken a picture every week since last picture because there has been so much growth.

These past two months have been the best! I have felt so good. Enjoying yoga, walking, napping, and really enjoying the attention.

Our midwife, Davi, just left from our home visit. She comes here so she knows where we live, and to check out our preparedness for the birth. Still need to do a few things - have laundered towels and receiving blankets ready in paper bags (to be warmed up when needed), having a supply of vitamin c, beta carotene, and backup bag for hospital. I measured right on target, and she thinks it will be a high 7 to 8 pound baby. I was 7lb 14oz, I think.

Mark held the Doppler heartbeat thingie to my belly while we talked to him, and we heard his heart rate get faster! That was amazing. To hear how excited he was to hear our voices. I will talk to him constantly now! He is in a great position (head down), but has his little hand up by his face. Davi was so amazed that Mark could tell it was his hand when feeling my belly. She said to keep telling him to "put chin to chest, back to belly, and hands by heart. So he knows what to do when it's time.

26 - 30 - 36 weeks

New Drawing

2008-07-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Every once and a while in a figure drawing workshop you get the pleasure of working from a super great model. This model was professional, gorgeous, sweet, and most importantly, she had a confident and charismatic presence. Somehow, she was able to get right back into the pose exactly without needing any adjustments from us. (I have trouble just staying upright in my chair. ) And then she holds a difficult pose for hours while making it look effortless and natural.

I actually wished I had brought my paints because she had beautiful strawberry blond hair.

Nice Things

2008-06-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogs is Whoopee. She is hilarious and fun. I always put on my rubber pants before reading her blog. You should definitely read the post about the toy bus. So funny!
Anyway, I am stealing her idea for a post about 'the nicest things people have said to me.'
So here are some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

"You are going to be such a good Mom."
My incredible friend Sherie, right after being a model for a drawing class I was teaching. I was stunned and cried a little.

"You are such a f***ing good painter."
By a great painter and friend, Frank Bruckmann.

"You're a freak"
Dr. Rinaldi, college English teacher, when I got a perfect score on a grammar test. He said this again at my commencement ceremony in front of the whole school. Embarrassing, but nice.

"You're beautiful"
Mark, when I was gritty and worn out after painting all day outside.

I am sure there are so many more I could list if I didn't have such a bad memory. So I apologize to anyone I left out.

So, tell me, what are some nice things anyone has ever said to you?

Mosaic

2008-06-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Here is my Flickr Mosaic. Kristin gave me the idea.

1. joy!, 2. do you love the fruit?, 3. Sarah Playing Trombone, 4. Just a Orchid, 5. Gary Sinise, 6. Gin & Tonic, 7. Holiday needed, 8. Blueberry Cobbler, 9. Sadhus, 10. Autumn walk, 11. Strip-tease!!!, 12. Paintrly1

It was a delightful use of time.

Go to Flickr and search with your answer to each of these questions.

1. What is your name? (Joy)
2. What is your favorite food? (fruit)
3. What high school did you go to? (Maloney High School)
4. What is your favorite color? (purple)
5. Who is your celebrity crush? (Gary Sinise)
6 What is your favorite drink? (gin and tonic)
7. Where is your dream vacation? (Tuscany)
8. Favorite dessert? (blueberry cobbler)
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? (yogi)
10. What do you love most in life? (loving)
11. One word to describe you. (listening)
12. Your Flickr name. (paintrly1)

Pick a photo from the first page from the search and copy it's URL.
Paste each of these URLs into the mosaic maker. Voila!

More Boobies, I Mean, Drawings

2008-06-23T17:33:00.000-07:00

The model who was scheduled Friday canceled, so we waited and waited to see if another model could pose last minute. Luckily Elizabeth showed up. She had such an inspiring face. The problem with really beautiful faces is that the drawing always falls short.

I wanted to sketch from different angles...

and try a full figure sketch which I haven't done in a long while.

And this is from last week. She looks like she doesn't belong in LA.

Good and Bad

2008-06-20T16:31:00.001-07:00

The Good:

I doubt this handmade sign on the back of the truck gets him much business, but it made me smile. Things like this make LA likeable.

The Bad:

Now this makes LA very UNlikeable. Especially if you're 8 months pregnant. I know, it's my own darn fault. Bad timing.

Monhegan

2008-06-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

On my Firefox toolbar I have some quick bookmarks. These are for sites that I visit everyday and click across one by one to check in. I have Christy, Amy, Yoga, and Monhegan. When I checked in on Monhegan today I saw this picture:

This is Fred Wiley and George Cabot, two of my most favorite Monhegan guys. Fred is in his 90's and still gets out to paint and go for walks. And George is so cute and tried to set me up with his son.

And then there was this picture:

You can barely make out Don Stone's white hair behind the couple. When Mark and I painted together on Monhegan it made me so happy. I can't tell you how jealous I am of these folks. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy, but I do miss my annual visit to my life on Monhegan.

The very first time I went to Monhegan, I endured this horrendous boat ride. A bitter wind, with a big swell and cold rain. I realized immediately for the first time in my life that the only thing worse than sea sickness is having someone drilling into your teeth while sitting in traffic with no air conditioning, and one of those stupid loud-car-stereo cars with the music vibrating your brain is next to you, and you are also stuck behind a overflowing garbage truck, and it's 100 degrees.

But then I landed on the most beautiful chunk of land and was immediately in a really good dream. And every year that I have gone there, the experience is always different. But each time I feel slightly off balance and deliriously distracted. When I am there I have so much energy. I have spectacular super real dreams. I paint tirelessly. Food tastes better. The air smells so sweet. The flowers are more beautiful. The people are real, fun, and hard working. I felt at home and simultaneously in humbled awe of the beauty around me.

It's amazing to think you can build a relationship with a place. Like a good old friend, she is always there, changed but still the same, year after year. Many people have visited Monhegan for 50 or 60 years. There are the lucky ones who spend the whole summer there. And then the residents who keep the place running and are the true fabric, always mending the worn spots and weaving new edges, keeping the integrity intact. She has peaceful little beaches where thousands of baby toes and easels' feet have touched. She has secret hideaways few know about. She has limitless power and fury whipping up sea foam and boldly defying hurricanes. She invites those who respect her and love her to stay, and the rest can keep away, thank you very much.

Many people have tried to express just how unique and magical Monhegan is. I can try too, but I think it always comes out trite or sappy. How could a lump of rock, one and a half miles long and not quite a mile wide, with no tourist attractions, keep so many people coming year after year? It could be the wild beauty, the great coffee and heavenly pecan bars, the unbelievable sunsets, or the people who are beyond classification. But it is so much more than that. She is an old friend now, and I miss her.

Celebrity Sighting and Drawings

2008-06-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

This morning Mark (aka Daddy-to-be) and I went out for brunch at Mo's. It right around the corner. Usually I like to get buzzed off the free cheap champagne, but obviously not anymore. We are always on the lookout for a celebrity. Hadn't seen anyone in a while, but today we saw Paul Dooley with whom I assume was his wife. You might remember him as the Dad in Sixteen candles. He still looks great.

And here are some new drawings and sketches.

This is Nicole. I really liked her as a model. She had a strong personality and wore a lot of eye makeup.

I did another quick sketch at the end of the session to get the look of how a model really feels after posing for ungrateful artists for three hours.

And this is from a costumed session. I wish I had more time to have drawn more of the costume, which was complete with buckle shoes, hose, and puffy pants. He just needed a sword.

New Room

2008-06-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

We have spent the last couple of weeks moving our rooms around. When we first moved in, we chose the larger room to be the studio because we have way more art and computer stuff than bedroom stuff. Now we realized that the smaller bedroom could not fit a crib or even a changing table or even a teeny tiny 7 lb baby.

We didn't want to just turn the studio into a separate baby room just yet, making the dining room the studio. What I mean is Mark doesn't want to give up his own personal creative space just yet, and we hope to be out of here soon. But if we aren't, the dining room will become a reason why we won't have anyone over to visit. "It's not like we are gonna have big dinner parties after the baby is born anyway," says Mark.
"We're not?" Bummer.

So here is the progress so far:

Looking into room, before and midway:

The walls were a complete mess before, chipping and peeling and so dirty. After scraping, filling, and sanding, we chose a nice calming soft pale blue-gray paint for the walls. Yeah, I know I was a decorative painter, but I prefer just nice clean walls over fancy faux finishes. The curtains and comforter are going to change. We are thinking a cool chocolate brown. (Overall, I was picturing a palette of white, brown and blue, maybe shots of orange-red, but I am so afraid of looking too Target. I would love any suggestions! Please!) And in the corner will go a nice Ikea wardrobe that will go with the Ikea crib. And that pile of hampers and dirty clothes? I guess a nice looking clothes organizing type thing. Mark will have to give up his white plastic hamper fetish. There are three there and two more in the garage, just in case.

Here is looking toward bed, before and midway:

I would love any suggestions for what to do for the wall over the bed. Seeing as we are due for some major earthquakes, we cannot hang anything on that wall for fear of midnight decapitations. I was thinking of painting a decorative thingie, or tacking some gorgeous fabric to the wall and framing it with decorative molding ( too HGTV?).

Here is where the crib will go, and the little dresser will be for baby stuff and changing pad on top. Stinky baby clothes hamper to hang on closet door.

I will put some shelves over the dresser for wipes and diapers, and a dirty diaper containment device next to dresser. And another painted cool painted thingie for over the crib? I am so excited to get it all together! Can't wait to show you the finished room.

Hot Topics

2008-06-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

I recently mentioned how we have two months to go before due date. And that there is so much to do now to prepare. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, but oh so very happy and excited. I mentioned circumcision as one of the things weighing in, and it made me think about it more seriously.

So I wanted to address the circumcision debate, along with some other topics that, as I am learning, are controversial about baby and child rearing. Circumcision, vaccinations, public breastfeeding, and sleep. Mark and I have talked about these, and disagree only about circumcision. I would love to know your thoughts about these subjects.

Most men our age grew up with almost all circumcised male friends. It's a trauma that, mercifully, they do not remember. The argument for circumcision usually is about wanting the child to fit in and to not feel weird or different. And not to be teased because kids(and grown ups) can be so cruel. Also, that it is a matter of hygiene.
I believe these arguments are weak and false.
I could not knowingly let my little baby's sensitive little penis be cut and mutilated.
I just hope that I can convince Mark that it is not necessary at all and is just downright wrong. We'll see.

Vaccinations. This is also a real tough one. We are having a boy and the statistics for boys and autism are so frightening. Boys are five times more likely than girls to get autism. There are absolutely no studies done that I have found that medically link autism to vaccinations. But there are plenty of surveys(which even links vaccinations to every childhood problem) and personal accounts that do. There is the one case in which it was proved that a boy, who had a rare genetic disease, became autistic as a direct result of a vaccination in combination to his disease.
A catch-22. If I vaccinate, am I risking the health of my baby by exposing him to these risks? And if I don't, am I risking his health by leaving him vulnerable to measles and polio, and hepatitus B? No win.

And for a much less depressing subject: breastfeeding in public. I personally do not see the big fuss here. Imagine if it was illegal to breastfeed outside of your home? Some folks are freaked out by breastfeeding. I think that is their own personal issue. Women have been asked to leave restaurants, airplanes, and public parks because someone felt uncomfortable. Most women feel the need to go somewhere private to feed their babies and usually end up in the public bathroom or somewhere just as inconvenient and gross. I am not suggesting that public places have a nice clean comfy baby feeding room, but wouldn't that be so nice? I think that for the most part, folks are understanding, and we just hear about the isolated cases. Has anyone ever received any looks or remarks when feeding their babies in public?

The last touchy issue is about getting babies to sleep. Some parents use the cry-it-out technique when all else has failed. This is usually for older babies, nearing toddlerhood. Instead of going to the crib every time the baby cries, parents let the baby cry himself back to sleep until eventually the baby learns to self-sooth and get himself to sleep. With the books I have been reading, it is suggested that a routine, set up early and stuck to, should remove the need to ever to the cry-it-out thing. But what if some babies are just so resistant? I don't know. I have no experience with this at all. Yet. What are your thoughts?

It's amazing how many different ideas there are about parenting. It's amazing how many people get downright militant and defensive too. I think the most important thing is to do what feels right.

I Remember When It Was 99 Cents

2008-05-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

This is the cheapest gas station here. How much is gas in your town?

Renting

2008-05-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

You all know that Mark and I have been looking for a place to buy. For over a year. We have put offers in on two places only to be told we are too poor to have them. We have looked at houses that I was sure were either going to collapse around us, were described as "nice site for new building", or smelled of death. We have looked at condos in which you had views of concrete, the freeway, or smelled of death.
Why have we been doing this? Giving up our weekends, evenings, and sanity to go look at the next property? We love our neighborhood. We adore and trust our neighbors. We have a big apartment (for LA).

We don't do this only for investment reasons. We do it because we cannot stand giving our landlord our money. I will not say that I have any emotion for the landlord at all. I don't consider him human, and therefor no emotions are necessary. Landlord feels no responsibility to make improvements on his building.

I never thought I would stoop so low as to publish bad words about someone. But, oh well, I have. Mark, I, and our neighbors love to gather and talk about landlord. We have all complained about the plumbing and hot water in the building for years. Josh, my downstairs neighbor has been taking cold showers for months. I told landlord about the complete lack of hot water in the kitchen and bathroom sinks. Two years ago. Nothing. I had a plumber come (we paid for him) to assess the situation. Plumber said you need new pipes and a new hot water heater. I passed this info along to landlord. Response? Nothing. Even when we moved in, landlord came by with a friend. Said no words to me as he walked around, talking to friend, and then left without a word.

Landlord's mother and father owned this building, and landlord and sister managed it. Until landlord had building transferred from widowed mom to himself, leaving mom penniless. Heard this right from said mom. I see no reason to disbelieve it.

Here is a copy of a recent letter Mark sent to landlord:

His response:

He has had one plumbing company here three months ago. Since then: Nothing.
My favorite part? "I hope you will cooperate..." Huh? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And no response to baby coming at all.

So sorry for the acid post today. I really needed to get this off my mind.

What landlord horror stories do you have? I would love to hear them!

2 Months To Go - Holy Crap

2008-05-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

The past ten weeks have just sneaked speedily on by. Like greased lightening. Like quiet ninjas.

Here is the latest belly. We have been neglecting our belly growth documenting. Baby and I had a huge growth spurt over the past few weeks. On my 27 week visit my fundal height measured 27 cm. Right on target. Then at my 29 week visit I measured 31 cm. Twice the usual growth. And I had gained 4 pounds. It is so weird to get on the scale and see the numbers I am seeing. Plus I gained a bunch of weight in the first trimester, hardly any in the second, and now the third is really going full speed. If my belly keeps going at this rate, I will be in big trouble.

30 Weeks

Luckily, I have only 2 months for growth, but 2 months now feels like no time at all. And I am officially freaking out and nesting like nobody's business. On top of just getting stuff for Baby(heck, that seems like the easy part), I have already thrown out, given away, and tag saled so much stuff. I want that old cat-scratched Ikea clearance couch out of here. The storage in the garage is packed to the top with stuff. Oh my God, everything is so damn dirty all of a sudden. Can I just power spray everything down with bleach? Can't we just get all new grout, baseboards, floors, and windows? Like, now? Why do we have so much stuff? Throw it ALL out! And shave the cats; they shed too much. Oh, no EARTHQUAKES! Bolt everything down. I know whatever we don't will fall right on the baby. Replace all glass with plastic. We need smoke detectors every three feet. I need to meditate and visualize twice a day. Perineum massage. Lead paint? Circumcision? NAME??? Zzzzzzttt..pop, my brain just checked out.

I feel like I am always on Mark's heels. We gotta do this, gotta do that! Running out of time! What if Baby comes early? Aaackk!

But now is also the very best time of all, and I wish I could be 7 months pregnant for like 2 more months. I feel the best I have felt so far, and have energy to do yoga, walk, and swim. Baby is moving around so much that he wakes me up, and his movements are so strong they can make my body move. He flips all around, kicks, stretches out, hiccups, and plays tag with my pokes. I poke my belly here, and he pokes back. The most amazing thing ever. I love to sit back and watch my belly morph and bump with his acrobatics. I am feeling his presence more now. I am starting to feel a soul and a consciousness in there.

I am not ready for it to end so soon!

Caution: Nudity

2008-05-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Usually around this time, I am in Florida attending the Forgotten Coast Paint Out. And usually I am planning my trip to Monhegan, to which I usually go in July-August to catch all the tourist money. The best time to really go is September. Not as many people and perfect weather. But, with the timing of Baby Boy Covell's arrival (August 4th), I made the decision to stay put. So with the ending of my part time assistant job because of morning sickness(or all day yacking, as I call it) and the (sort of) bedrest I was ordered, I have not been making any money, which bothers me more than I thought it would.
But I have been doing some painting. No plein air painting, though. Can't imagine being out all day when I have to pee every 30 minutes, eat every 2 hours, and get a sunburn just thinking about it. And I am either shivering cold or sweating my toosh off, sometimes at the same time. I am not complaining. I will take all that over nausea any day!

So here is a sampling of some work:

This is a study with a gorgeous model wearing this silly head wrap.

Here is a little study of my turp jar. It has been to Maine, Florida, and San Luis Obispo.

And I think I will never, ever tire of painting pears.

And here is the nudity I promised. This is Laura and her boobs.

So, yes, I will miss all my friends in Florida and on Monhegan this year. And painting there of course. And I will miss the money that I might have made. I have a hunch that that will change the moment I look into my son's eyes for the first time.

Palm Springs

2008-05-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

Mark and I went to palm Springs last weekend to attend an art opening at the M Modern Gallery in which he had a painting. The theme was Tiki, which I surmised was much more a boy thing than a girl one. Here is Mark with his painting, and a nice red dot next to it.

He was worried that he might not sell it, but I knew he would. I personally do not like art openings. There are too many strangers who are all looking for free booze, and hardly anyone is looking at the paintings. At least those who are serious buyers don't mind.

Well, I love any excuse to get out of LA County, and our good friends, Jeff and Rich, invited us to stay for the weekend in Palm Springs. They are the best hosts with lots of booze, fun friends, a huge gorgeous house, and a pool.They took us the The Living Desert, where they take care of rescued animals, and keep desert plants. It was a real hot day, and most of the critters were hiding, and the plants were pretty burnt, but it was still thrilling to see the big birds:
This guy was giving me the stink eye.

And this amazing Golden Eagle was using his water dish as a little pool.

And these wolves were taking a late afternoon nap. I thought they were definitely lovers.

And I can't believe these guys stayed still for me.

And on Sunday we went to brunch at this amazing place (can't remember the name - must be the hormones), with more food than I have ever seen in one place, and a Mariachi band. I think Jeff has a crush on the singer:

Here is Jeff and Rich, enjoying the serenade.

You can get married in California now, guys. Yay!

Then we went back to the house and sat by the pool, sunning our bloated bellies. Ahhhhhhhhh. Except I stayed out of the sun to protect my super-sensitive pregnancy skin. And I couldn't drink margaritas by the pool, or have champagne at the brunch. But that's okay, I will make up for all that in due time.
I think we need to go back there again this weekend.

Home Birth

2008-05-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

I promise I will write about something other than the pregnancy soon. I am doing other things, ya know. I am going to a sketch group again, painting, getting apartment baby-ready, yoga, and more yoga.

And I have debated telling everyone this, but then I remembered that I am not Dooce and most likely will not get any horrible comments or emails. So anyway, we have decided to have a home birth. I talked about it before, and after many talks, tons of research, interviewing midwives, watching this movie 3 times, we feel so good about out decision. And we picked a midwife, Davi, who we love and trust. She is a former hospital bound nurse midwife, and now a private one, with 20 years experience helping babies come into the world.

And contrary to what I assumed, LA is not full of birth centers and midwives. I found four midwives and NO birth centers. And many of the hospitals do not allow midwife births or have birthing tubs. I was shocked at this, and I assumed it was probably a matter of big business insurance crap. My OB, who is a super sweet woman, had to have so many patients just to make her huge malpractice insurance costs. This is why I wait 45 minutes to see her for 5 minutes. And I was completely forgotten one time. I know she doesn't want it that way either. The office would tell me that I had to go here and get this test, and this blood work, and then this other test. Okay. But then I would have to call them two weeks later to find the result. My last blood test showed I had very low iron, and they didn't even call me. ( I started taking iron supplements, and man, oh, man, what a difference!) They are way too overloaded.

On the contrary, at the initial consultation visit with the midwife we all talked for two hours. That's more time I ever spent talking to the OB combined. There were all these pictures of babies coming out of hoohas on every wall. There was a very comfy waiting area with books and nobody else in it. And the next visit was an hour. They told me they always leave room for an hour at every visit. They come to the house for the birth, stay for two hours after, and come visit the day after, and for four more home visits after that. I have their personal cel phone numbers. They made it very clear that they take no chances - if they think anything looks questionable, off to the hospital, where they stay and be doulas. They come to the house with just about everything they would have at the hospital except epidurals and scalpels.

I believe that the routine the hospitals do is not in synch with what the body needs. I would think that a laboring woman needs to move around and to feel safe. I know for me, I need to feel safe and comfortable in my environment so I feel free to to let my body take over. And to have a midwife there every second when I need her. I feel that having nurses running in at every blip on a fetal monitor strapped to my belly would drive me to a panic. The rates for interventions, cesareans, and fetal deaths rose immediately when fetal monitoring started. America has one of the very worst fetal and maternal death rates in hospitals. The rate for home births is much lower. The rate for cesarean surgeries is so high in hospitals (40% in the hospital here!) In home births, the rate for hospital transfer is 8%, and only 4 to 5% of those end up in cesarean. The rate of tearing and episiotomies are practically nil. All these things were pivotal in our decision.

Now the next big decision. A pediatrician. Any advice about that one? Gah, I am so worried about this decision. There aren't too many in our insurance near us. And I do not like the idea of having to drive 40 minutes (without traffic) to one.

We already warned all our neighbors about the likeliness of 3am howling in early August. But we have heard plenty of stuff like that coming from their apartments, so we're even.

I'm Not A Writer

2008-05-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not a writer. Not a good one, anyway. I appreciate good writing. I seek it out constantly in books and online. But I'm best at painting, and if I could have other talents, I would choose having a great voice and the ability to write well. (Oh, and probably to dance, like ballet.) So that the singing and writing would bring people to strong emotional places. But emotionally, I am more of a receiver than a speaker. (See, a good writer wouldn't have so many sentence fragments.)

I wish my writing could give you a sense of how blown away I am with being pregnant and my feeling of impending parenthood. I might be going along in my day and forget I am pregnant, but then I will feel him move, or I will feel my expanding belly, and remember. Now, it is getting harder and harder to forget. And then I realize,"Wow, I am the pregnant woman in the room."

It seems like such a contradiction for me. I know there are millions of pregnant women and millions of new Moms, but at the same time, I feel like my pregnancy, my love for Mark, my giving birth is the biggest, most important thing in the whole world. But there is this little voice that says,"You are just one of countless preggos and it's so ordinary, really." And then I tell that little voice that it's not needed here, and go back to feeling divine, human, and awestruck.

Like with anything BIG in my life, I know this will come to me slowly. This realization that there is a person in me. A person who chose Mark and me. Who has his own quirks, talents, likes and dislikes. Who is part of my anatomy, but will soon be separate, whole. And who will slowly grow and need us less and less.

But for now, I still can't believe it.

26 Weeks

2008-04-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

Here you go. The latest evidence. I love the pic on the right because Mark took a lower angle accentuating belly mass, and I really pushed the belly on out there. I feel like my belly growth has been quite dramatic in the past three weeks, and I fear that if this rate keeps up, I will be in big trouble. Also, I can tell that Baby Covell is fattening up in there, as my appetite has increased. Unfortunately my stomach is being squished, and I can't eat very much. So I eat very little bits all day long. And I have cut out all refined sugar. Well, with the exception of a very few treats.
Speaking of sugar, I have to do the glucose test for diabetes this week. I have to drink some sugary syrup, wait an hour and then they will take some blood and hopefully tell me I am not diabetic.

And in a week I will be officially in the third trimester. Wha? Already? We better get our act together and start getting the apartment prepared!

All in all, this past month has been so incredible. I have energy and can keep up in yoga classes. And finally I appear obviously pregnant to people, which is so cool. It's amazing how many folks smile at you and even say, "congratulations!" Or just glance at the belly. I feel the little guy kicking and flipping around, usually when I am in savasana, right after I eat, or trying to go to sleep. And Mark has finally felt the kicks from the outside. But He is definitely getting more and more active. His main work now is to fatten up, keep making brain cells, and building his lung strength and functions.

It still does not feel real. I cannot clearly imagine what it is going to be like, how everything will change. I hope I have the brain power to handle it all. I hope I have the strength and zen to keep it together. I hope I can give all I can give and still be my own person. I visualize what it must be like for the little man to be in this dark, warm, squishy place, and to know nothing else. Does he feel my emotions? Does he have the awareness to know I am here, all around him, protecting him, feeding him, thinking about him?

New Studio

2008-04-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

When Mark started his hiatus from Family Guy, I was kicked out of the studio so he could work on his paintings without my interruptions and sudden hug attacks. I moved my laptop to the dining room table, which had already been pushed up against the wall for some painting lessons I was giving a while back. Now I have started painting in the 'dining room' too. Eventually, we will both be out here painting because the studio will become bedroom for when the Little Ninja needs his own room. So there will be the Big Rearrangement, where we move the studio, bedroom, and nursery around. That is a subject for another time.

I have been going through a whole load of changes with being pregnant and having TEN TIMES the amount of hormones a normal human has. 24 hour morning sickness, tiredness, no physical activity, dangerously low placenta, feeling very chubby, feeling bad for not working, clothes not fitting, felling better, energy!, comparing myself to skinny pregnant women, play-dough skin, feeling Baby Boy squirming around, peeing every 20 minutes, can't sleep on belly anymore, feeling amazed and blown away that I have a person in my body. All in one day. I love it.
But throughout those months, I wasn't painting. People would ask me, "Have you been painting?" A logical question because I have all this time now, but it felt like an deep cut to me. Mark was painting like a madman, and I was sitting here on the computer, walking, practicing yoga, or eating. What was wrong with me? I wasn't inspired to paint the things I usually want to. I was so cold all the time that I couldn't even think of going out to paint. I felt even more useless.

I reminded myself that painting is pretty much my only skill(other than making a sinfully good cookie), and I had better keep it up. And I wanted our son to see his parents working hard at their passions no matter what. So I grabbed my paints and set up a little studio in the dining room and painted a pretty pathetic painting. It felt good. I am averaging a little study every other day. I will post them soon.

I feel so much better now. I am not embarrassed and can say, "Yeah, I have been painting." Plus I work right by the window where I can look out on the bird of paradise tree, hear the birds singing, and reach over and do this:

Here is the messy new studio and my little workspace with a study in progress.

Me, Me, Me

2008-04-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the great, funny list posted by Kristin, and having no other ideas, I will give you some interesting tidbits about ME.

I...

1. was born in the Philippines on Clark Air Force Base. This makes it very hard to do my astrology chart.

2. gave myself a hernia when I was 3 or 4 from riding my Big Wheel too much. I still have no core muscles. Honestly, I don't know how I stay upright.

3. never had any of the childhood diseases. A recent blood test proved I am immune to the Chicken Pox without ever having contracted it. Yes, I am like the guy in Unbreakable.

4. was a tomboy. Never liked dolls, and am so relieved we are having a boy.

5. always knew that I was an artist.

6. believed in Santa Clause until I was 9 years old.

7. lived in Italy as a kid. Air Force Base again.

8. don't keep very good track of my possessions. I buy things, only to discover that I already had it. I lose things all the time.

9. can see myself as a surgeon, astronomer, psychotherapist, or a genetic engineer.

10. am afraid of heights.

11. haven't eaten anything that had legs since 1988.

12. hate the eyebrows I was born with. I spend a whole lot of time grooming them.

13. have one green eye and one brown eye. That means I am a mutant.

14. have an IQ of 146. And it's sad that I know that and put it in a list. Even sadder that I still get right and left confused.

15. love, love, love to eat. If I am at dinner with someone who hardly eats, it bugs me to no end. Eat, dammit.

16. kiss my cats on the mouth. It smells like ass, but I love it anyway.

17. HAVE to write everything down, or I WILL forget it. See, that IQ is useless.

18. don't know why I have so few friends here. Any ideas?

19. am most proud of my hands, out of all my body parts. Oh, and my neck.

20. don't have many talents or interests other than art, but I will listen to your problems until you feel better.

21. always kept bad jobs and wrong boyfriends too long.

22. love it when nice people are touchy - huggy. Warm fuzzies.

23. have wanted to have a baby for 7 years.

24. can roll and curl my tongue, have hardly any earlobes, and can spread all my toes apart. I guess I have other talents afterall.

25. am always disappointed when I get no comments on my silly blog.

Well, there you go. That was 30 minutes well spent! Please tell me something about yourself!

Eeeek

2008-04-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else think this is just wrong? (her arms, dear God, her arms!) This was on the Old Navy website. It came up when I went there to order my big momma maternity clothes. Nothing against this lovely girl - I am sure she is a wonderful person, and it is not her fault. As someone with a history of eating disorders, this bugs me. I am all over it now and have no desire to look like this girl anymore, thankfully. But I remember being younger and what an (manipulated)image like this would do to me.

Is anyone else sick of this? What are your thoughts?

I Am a Creator of Orphans

2008-04-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

In the past I have been outraged by things our government does. Like NOT pass a Bill that would give medical insurance to millions of poor uninsured children. Or it's foreign policies, or it's unlawful taxation of our incomes. Oh, the list could go on and on. And I have emailed letters to the Congressmen about it. But when Mark told me about this the other day, I went from disbelief to outrage and finally to that feeling when you realize that your best friend stole your prom date.

Basically, there is a Bill being written right now that could very well end Mark and my art careers. This is not an exaggeration. It's called Orphan Works. It would make it very easy for anyone to take photographs or works of art from artists and use it for monetary gain, and take away the rights or ability for the artists to do anything about it. So why would any advertiser, publisher, or licensing company ever buy art directly from an illustrator, photographer, or fine artist when they could just browse the web and take any image they came across. This Bill reads as if someone was specifically making a plan to bypass paying artists for any work they use, and make it nearly impossible for the artist to take legal action. Please listen to this interview with Brad Holland, who is part of the Illustrator's Partnership. It explains it better than I can. There is information on Orphan Works there, too.

Since the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention Implementation Act in 1988, intellectual property has been protected by the government. Artists, along with authors, musicians, or anyone who created a work, were protected. Nobody could use your work without your permission, and if you registered the work with the Copyright Department, you could get monetary damages for the violation. You simply showed them that you possessed this work.

If this Orphan Works Bill passes, artists, only visual artists and photographers, are NO LONGER PROTECTED, can NO LONGER GET THEIR WORK COPYRIGHTED, will have any existing copyrighted work UN-COPYRIGHTED, and have to prove HOW and WHEN someone stole their work, using their own lawyers. It would make artists and photographers the only artists who can't. Artists can register their works for a fee with private commercial agencies(which don't exist yet), but this gives no protection either. A company will just have to look at one or two of these agencies, and if they don't see the work, can legally use it, paying a whatever fee they choose. The artists has no say. The company can always say,"Oh, I just came across this image." And legally they are protected. Artists will have to register their images with every single company if they want full protection, and still get close to nothing if an image is used. A lot of time and money for nothing. My paintings will no longer belong to me.

The Orphan Works Bill supposedly has a purpose of freeing up artwork done by artists who have passed away, thereby 'orphaning' the work. Or making it legal to use artwork of which nobody knows the origin. This is all fine and dandy, and Canada has figured out a simple way to deal with this. If someone in Canada wants to use an orphaned work, they just apply with the Canadian Orphan Works to use it, then research is done, and permission denied or accepted. Simple, huh? Well, my hunch is that some VERY wealthy special interest groups here in th U.S. saw some major money making potential for dealing visual images and decided to have the government orphan ALL artwork and photography done in America. Corbis Images and Getty Images, sellers of 'stock images', are two such groups, and they have expressed their interest to Congress, in support of this Bill. THIS is the real reason for the convoluted, over complicated, nonsense of a Bill that is wasting everyone's time. If it wasn't about these companies looking to profit, why wouldn't the U.S. just do what Canada is doing?
Obviously, everyone involved with this Orphan Works Bill has no idea about the art world and absolutely no regard for professional artists, and I am furious. To make it worse, the Bill is said to be based on the ramblings of a self absorbed Law Professor and his students and their Marxist views about authorship of intellectual property. First of all, who in their right mind bases a Bill on this crap? And if it isn't really based on it, then what kind of looney says it is? And if the theory is that all artistic creation is based on what other artists have done before them, therefore rendering it instantly communal domain, why attack just visual artists? And not musicians, poets, writers, sculptors, architects, designers, etc?
It's obvious to me that visual artists are being singled out because it is easy to take advantage of them, and there are no big corporations to fight.
I really feel like my world is dissolving around me, and I have little chance to save myself and Mark from this nonsense.

The new Orphan Works Bill is not written yet and so has no official number or title. This means that letters to Congressmen and Senators will have no effect yet. I am afraid that this is on purpose, and that the new Bill will go to a vote with no time for opposition to write or protest. Mark and I are writing to every artist and friend once letters can be written to bring attention to this violation of rights and ask for help in fighting it.

I am terrified for our future.

Need Your Prayers

2008-04-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

I know that I get a pathetic amount of visitors to this blog, but I want to ask for you to keep this precious little angel of a baby girl in your thoughts. She is the baby girl of my best friend in the whole wide world and her amazing husband. She is in the hospital fighting off what the doctors are pretty sure is botulism. Very rare and serious. Her parents, the best, most wonderful people I know, are at her side, suffering with her. Please keep them in your thoughts.

Pregnancy Soup

2008-04-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

By far, the biggest thing for me in this pregnancy has been food. First, I couldn't even look at it or smell it without wanting to die. Mercifully, those many weeks are a blurry, faint memory.

Then came the weeks of eating whatever seemed edible at that moment because I realized an empty stomach was my one way ticket to vomit town. So I spent hours of my nauseous time shuffling around the grocery store looking for something that also didn't make me sick. Some days it was canned peaches. Other days it was Ramen noodles without the sauce. Whatever it was, the next day I couldn't even think about what I ate the day before.

Then I started feeling better(totally better by the 18th week), and I wanted to eat again! Hooray!! Yippee!! "Yes, lets get Indian food!" and Mark couldn't believe his ears! Now it is just the occasional heartburn that comes about for no reason at all.

But what I had never heard of too much about pregnancy was the constipation. Or maybe I just thought it wouldn't ever happen to me because I had never had a problem with that before. Well, I never had heartburn before either, so too bad for me. I am not complaining at all. I am so ecstatic that I don't have 24 hour a day icky nausea anymore! I apologize if this is too much information for you, but if you know me, you know that I don't have a problem with potty talk.

Anyway, I have found the solution to my little preggie problem: Lentil soup. I decided one day to make this soup from a fabulous book I found at the Burbank library book store: Laurel's Kitchen. I have the Laurel's Bread Book, which is also amazing.

The lentil soup is very tasty even for non-pregnant folks, and it is so quick and easy to make. Here is the recipe for the soup, with my adjustments:

Greek Lentil Soup adapted from Laurel's Kitchen:

4 cups vegetable broth
1 cup lentils
1 leek, dark green parts trimmed, and then chopped
1 large or 2 small carrots
2 celery stalks
1 small potato ( I like these ruby gold ones)
a big bunch of kale, chopped
1-2 tablespoons oil ( I like olive oil)
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon sea salt
2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar ( red wine vinegar would also be good, I think)

Mix all ingredients , except the vinegar, in a soup pot and cook until the lentils are very soft, about one hour. Add vinegar at the end and serve.

This make a good amount of soup, but double recipe if you want to freeze some or have a lot of people to feed. So good with nice warm, crusty Italian bread. And it will keep you regular! Yay!

China Must Be Made of Lead Paint

2008-04-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

I subscribed to the Department of Consumer Protection's mailing list for updates on recalled stuff to make sure we don't buy anything for ourselves or our baby that might fall apart or poison us. I am stunned because every single day I get an email about at least one, usually more children's toys that are recalled because of lead paint. And these things are always made in China. I know, just about everything is made in China. I was mad enough when pets all over were being killed by pet food containing poison from China. Now TOYS. With lead paint.
How long has the world known that lead is poisonous and deadly? Why hasn't China been given this news?
Gah! I am so furious.

How do you avoid buying things made in China? There must be websites devoted to safe products and toys out there. Any ideas?

Because We're Weird Like That

2008-04-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

This might seem odd, but in going through all of our photos from Maui, I realized that we took more pictures of industrial stuff than the typical things you might expect. One reason is that we like these shots for artistic inspiration and reference. And another is that we both love these kind of images. And I don't care if you are thinking,"Why go all the way to Maui for that? You have tons of that in LA." I get that when I go to Monhegan and paint trucks. What makes the trucks so amazing is that they are in Monhegan, just like the docks are even more beautiful to me because they are in Maui.

I really do feel so lucky that my sweet hubby loves this kind of stuff as much as I do. We talked about when we started to appreciate the mystery of these images. I remember feeling a very strong feeling when I was in desolate or broken down areas as a child. It wasn't a scared feeling, but one of wonder and another feeling that I still can't name.

As artists we love these images for the colors, textures, history, juxtapositions, and symbolism. And also for that ineffable feeling we get when in that atmosphere.

I Popped!

2008-04-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

11 weeks....................19 weeks......................23 weeks

No, the title doesn't say 'I pooped'. Even though that would be exciting news for a pregnant gal. It seems if you want that kind of thing, you should go here. Sorry, Christy!

About a week ago, after we got back from our trip, I woke up one morning and *ka-BAM*, there it was. A brand new belly popping on out there, saying hello.

The little ninja has been really kicking it out in there.
Being pregnant has really made me aware of many things. Like how much of an ego I really have, and that I have some more work to do in letting go of it. And my competitive nature, which I also thought I had taken care of. I will not let pregnancy be another way to compare myself to other women. Which then makes me aware of how I want to be a good role model for our son, so he can know and appreciate a confident, loving female energy.

I am also aware that I am coming to terms with a body that is doing it's own thing. I am eating the best foods, exercising every day, and I am still turning into a Venus of Willendorf. I trust completely that the divine power that made this new life and continues to help it grow also knows the best way for my body to grow and nourish it. And I love meditating on that magical energy running through me and surrounding the little guy.

I am also becoming very aware of the fact that many of my internal organs are being evicted from their usual places and finding new ones. Now that's a new feeling!

Maui Waterfall Hike

2008-04-02T14:39:00.001-07:00

Mark and I went on a guided hike with one other couple into the West Maui mountains. Randy, our guide, and Romi and Raoul, the couple, were great folks. We took so many photographs, but I will give you some highlights.
First we drove back to the scary road we abandoned the first day, parked the car in a lookout point, and walked down to a the edge of the road. I never would have found this trail on my own. We followed this stream along a trail of wild ginger plants, bamboo, and some amazingly beautiful trees. Saw no animals, except a millipede, which I had no desire to see closer, and some cardinals.

There were three waterfalls, each with it's own little swimming hole. The water was frigid, though, and Mark was the only one of us brave enough to take the dive.

Randy taught us so much about the local history, plants, and myths of the area. Where we were was all sugarcane farming, with the occasional bloody battle. We asked him all kinds of questions about the native culture and their modern day situations, stray cats, and ooh, what tree is that?

One interesting fact: Since the Hawaiian islands are all volcanic and fairly new geologically, most plants and animals were brought over by the settlers. Not many indigenous species. And there are no snakes or poisonous plants. A hiker's dream. Just watch out for those pesky daily flash floods.

We took a break here and munched on dried papaya, pineapple, and chips. I could have stayed here all day.

I realized that I much prefer wooded places with streams and little hideaway ponds over beaches and mountaintops. They say you are either a forest, ocean, or air person. Which one are you?

Maui Day One

2008-03-29T05:44:00.000-07:00

Our first full day in Maui was an adventure. I meant to document what we did every day because I knew I wouldn't remember exactly what happened on what day. Not that you will know any different, but I am trying my best. We did, however, manage to take 800 photos. That's 100 a day.
I started the day with Hawaian sweet bread coconut french toast, and Mark had a Spam omelette. No, not really. Then we went to these botanical gardens near the hotel, but this place looked in need of some funding. But I did manage to get this shot of the roots of a beautiful tree.

Then we hit the road to go see the wild coastline. On the way, we passed this old Buddhist cemetery. It looked ancient, but folks were still putting fresh flowers by the stones.

I am so lucky that I have a husband who loves this stuff as much as I do. We took a million photos and continued on our way.

Hmmm... Shouldn't those mountains be on our left?

Oops. Well finally found the right road and found the ocean cliffs.

When it turned into a one lane road with no guardrails, the grand fetus protective fear made us turn back and seek a safe dinner closer to sea level. Decided to try this Korean/Japanese place that wasn't quite Japanese enough. Couldn't eat my rubbery transparent noodles, so had ice cream for dinner instead.

It was the perfect day.

First Days on Maui

2008-03-27T16:28:00.000-07:00

Maui was beyond words amazing. There is so much to tell. Looking back through all the pics we took we realized that we did A LOT. No wonder I am tired. It is going to take a little while to sift through all the pics and show you the best.
The first night we went out to dinner to a place called Manana Garage. Awesome crabcakes and fish burritos. Halfway through dinner we realized that we had a dinner guest at the next table: Jack, an adorable orange and white kitty taken care of by the restaurant and neighbors. We went to visit Jack a few more times. Turns out Maui has a large population of strays.
The next day we hopped in our rental car and drove around, took a wrong turn and found an old amazing Buddhist graveyard. Then went back to the right road and found some amazing views on the North coast of West Maui. The road was pretty frightening, so we turned round to find some more food.

Here is a pic of a gorgeous wild beach we found and had all to ourselves. Mark picked up some coral that had washed ashore, but he returned it so Pele would not be mad.

And here are a few pics from the most incredible waterfall hike we took. It was us, the guide and one other couple. We saw three waterfalls, bamboo, wild ginger, ate wild berries, and climbed down the roots of an ancient fig tree.

There are so many more fun pics to show. More soon!

Boy, Oh, Boy!

2008-03-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

Now we have two professional opinions that the squirmy critter in my belly is a boy! I really did have a feeling that is was. About two weeks ago I started feeling these squishy soft movements below the belly button. The uterus is still down there, but raising up a centimeter a week. I can no longer sleep on my belly because I can feel the melon in there.

I conceived 19 weeks ago, but I am in my 21st week of pregnancy. And I have no idea if I am 4 or 5 months pregnant. Whatever it is, I just wish I looked obviously pregnant already. I am halfway to term. The Baby Boy is just over 7 inches from head to hiney and weighs almost a pound.

We don't have a cute nickname for the little guy yet. Any suggestions?

Too Many Things!

2008-03-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

Gosh, there are so many things going on right now. But maybe anything seems hectic compared to my usual days comprised of sleeping, cat-loving, yoga, web-browsing, hubby-bothering, dishwashing, and more sleeping. In that order.

Packing, and then repacking because I want to fit everything into my carry-on bag.
Last minute tying up of things before trip.
Looking at, pondering, looking at again, and then putting an offer in on dream condo.
Calling financial advisors to see if said condo is good idea.
Going to doc to find out baby is 90 percent a BOY, no wait, yes, definitely, but no 90 percent BOY.
Taking Cato to vet every other day to check on his leaky squinty eye. Poor kitty.
Shopping for any decent clothes that will fit my new body. Because all that was left that fit was my yoga pants and a tshirt.

Now time to wash dishes again!

Maui Forecast

2008-03-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

Looks like we won't need too much sunscreen in Maui, our honeymoon, our only vacation ever. We are trying not to be too pissed.

19 Weeks. It's Growing!

2008-03-10T17:32:00.001-07:00

11 Weeks --------------- 19 Weeks

You can really tell now because I am not sucking my stomach in like last time.
The 19 weeks just looks like I have been eating a lot of Girl Scout Cookies. Which I HAVE NOT BEEN doing! No, no. Not me!! And those pants from the 11 weeks picture can no longer be buttoned and are pretty tight.
I ate Rolaids for the first time in my life last night. And I cry, just because. The morning sickness is pretty much gone and I have energy now. My uterus is almost up to my navel and is the size of a large cantaloupe.

At 19 weeks, Baby can now hear! Time for Mozart, Dead Can Dance, and Nine Inch Nails. Now we can talk to Baby and tell it our deep dark secrets. Baby is about 5 1/2 inches from crown of head to kissable heinie. Baby can now pee. It can control it's movements (like sucking it's thumb and picking it's nose) now that the little brain has millions of neurons that are working together and making millions more all the time. Eyebrows, eyelashes, fingerprints, and toenails are all there. All organs are formed and working. Truly a miracle.

Watch Out!

2008-03-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

Mark is on a two month hiatus from Family Guy. This is very common in the "industry", where there is a lull in between seasons for filming or animating. Most folks relax in that time or work on other projects. So I am thrilled to have him around, and of course thrilled to bee able to go somewhere romantic with him. And have him all to myself. All mine. Yeah.

But I realized something. After three months of my morning sickness not letting me go too far from my bathroom and being unemployed, bored, and lonely, I was desperate for company. Someone to talk to. Someone to hang out with. Someone to listen to my little observances and complaints. Someone to snuggle.

But hubby was looking forward to time to work on his artwork. Time to bend over his art table with his headphones shouting Judas Priest into his ears. Time to frantically paint a bunch of paintings for his group show coming up in July. *sigh* But I know giving him this time is the best way I can show my love right now. I am even moving my websurfing butt to the dining room to give him his own space to work. Alone.

But watch out next week, honey. In Maui, I will not leave you alone. I will fit two months worth of lovin' into 8 days. Watch out!

Maui

2008-03-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

This will be Mark and I in two weeks!

Despite the extortion of the despicable IRS that we are suffering right now, we are going to take a vacation. This is something neither of us have ever done - going away for the sole purpose of spoiling ourselves as a nelywed couple, just the two of us. This is a momentous thing to say the least. Pretty soon we will be three, which is even more wonderful, but right now we want to celebrate being two.

We are going to walk around in all the tropical green lushness and breathe in non-smoggy air. We are going to eat ice cream and look into the mouths of volcanoes. We are going to stand underneath misty waterfalls and watch sunsets with sand on our feet.

We are so excited. I can't stop thinking about it!

Moment of Weakness

2008-02-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

There are the most wonderful vintage , antique and second hand shops in Burbank. I was very bored the other day and went to It's A Wrap looking for a little something to cheer me up. It is where I found this:

But I didn't find anything there so I went over to a vintage shop that has mostly 40's and 50's stuff. I was just about to leave and the owner, in between cigarette puffs and coughing fits, told me to check out the shoes. Umm, ok. I know I shouldn't because I have heard that pregnancy can permanently change your shoe size. Well, I found out that I have 40's feet. I cannot wear anything made today with any kind of heel. But I can wear these 40's shoes with no pain. Miracle. So I talked the price down and got them. And I love them, even if I wear them only a couple of times.

Women's Lib?

2008-02-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

I was driving to yoga this morning and there is this major intersection on my way to Hollywood right over the Hollywood Freeway. Thousands of thousands of people drive this route every day, as it is the ONLY way to get from The Valley to Hollywood. At this intersection are three giant billboards, one of which has rotating screens to advertise three shows at once. I usually ignore them because I am focusing on trying not to be killed by drugged up LA drivers on their cel phones. This morning I glanced up and saw ads for these these shows all at once. It was a T&A overload. Obviously the CW network owns these billboards. And right now there are TV shows which treat women as trophies, prizes, and

I asked myself, "What has happened?" Why is that generation of women so eager to be part of this objectification and exploitation? Is there no other way for these young women to feel appreciated? Is my generation as pathetic? Who is watching and supporting all this crap? I admit that I have been sucked into American Idol(talk about exploitation!), but at least it is in part about exploiting talent.

I had just been thinking how wonderful it is to finally have a woman running for president. What would our founding fathers have thought? Then I see that crap.

Beauty should be admired and celebrated. I see at least one tree every day that makes me stop in awe, and the beautiful effect of the golden sunshine on the lavender hills is breathtaking. And today I practiced yoga with the most beautiful pregnant women and one gorgeous 3 month old boy. I feel lucky that I see beauty in so many things, including beautiful young people. Not only am I fascinated with why there is such a fixation on the "women as trophies or objects" thing, but also with the idea that there is some kind of social psychology here. Is it an underlying fear that a society of powerful women is scary, and there is a subconscious need to keep them in the safely established gender roles? Or is this younger generation just so shallow? Both?

Living here, I am surrounded with such superficial poop all the time, and I have gotten so over it. But now I am thinking, "What if I have a girl? How am I going to keep her adjusted with all that around her?" It was hard enough for me growing up with 80s commercials for diet soda and suntan lotion and Elle MacPherson. All that is nothing compared to now. Is it going to get worse? What if I do have a daughter and she ends up wanting to be in an exploiting girl band? God, I can't even deal.

What do you think? Am I just being overly analytical?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2008-02-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

I did not mean to sound negative in my last post about pregnancy. Yes, I have not had the greatest time the past three months, but I am so happy now. I feel the love!

Here are some of the changes that have been happening:

1. Don't like coffee. For the past three months the smell has made me gag. Now I just don't want any, doesn't taste so good. I used to love coffee. It was special treat. I miss it.

2. Same goes for garlic.

3. Well, the same pretty much goes for all food now, too. I used to simply adore food. Now all I want is grapes, salt, and corn flakes.

4. Because of a cantaloupe in my belly, I can no longer touch my toes or put my foot behind my head.

5. Has everyone always driven like maniacs? I have precious cargo here! Slow down!

6. My boobs are now farcical in size. I mean really, is that necessary?

7. Babies and Mothers are even more miraculous to me.

8. Today I feel better than I have since December 9th.

9. Things like dishwashers and washer and dryers seem even more magical and elusive.

I also know that this is nothing at all compared to the changes that are on the way!

Buying Property Is Scary

2008-02-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

Went to look at a bunch of condos and townhouses today. But there is only one we are considering at all, and that is because it has three bedrooms. I couldn't believe it. There were actually two townhomes in the same monstrous mazelike complex (in which we only saw old men walking little white fluffy dogs). The first was owned by this Armenian family that decorated the place not unlike the parent's house in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Really. Every single pale pink wall was covered in roman columns and a ridiculous amount of decorative molding. There was a framed horse puzzle in the family room.
The back patio fence was lined with razor wire. Hmmmmm. And the wife hovered over us the whole time we were looking around.
The second one was empty. It has three bedrooms. Three. We could have a baby room. I had accepted the fact that we would have to choose between having a studio or a baby room. With three, we wouldn't have to. This place had very nice wood floors throughout. It needs a washer and dryer, refigerator, new range, (the one in there now is ancient, and not in a good retro way), and the cabinets in the kitchen and all three bathrooms are very gross, but that can wait I suppose. Our agent seems to think we can offer $250K to the bank (it's a foreclosure) and wait for a counter offer. The HOA for the place is $300 (for the love of Pete!). So our payment each month with bills and everything else(mortgage insurance, property tax, HOA, mortgage, food, etc.) would probably leave us with about $1200 a month to spare, if we stick to a tight budget. Is that cutting it too close?
I mean, we are really frightened and need advice. This whole BIG BIG SCARY purchase is too much. We know it's the smart thing to do, and we hate to keep giving our evil landlord money. But how do we know the real estate market will go back up? What if there is no equity in 5 years and we poured all our money into the place? I guess we could always go back to renting a crappy place in the perfect neighborhood again. Sigh. I just wish someone could tell us what to do!

Anyway, here are some pics from today:

KITCHEN

VIEW FROM L.R. TO ENTRY

VIEW TO PATIO

LIVING ROOM (check out the mirror wall!)

STAIRS

Yes it is two levels. We could pretend it's a real house! Only drawbacks are no nice views, big maze of a complex, and no funky coffee shops or parks. What do you think?

A New Kind Of Love

2008-02-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to have a baby since 1998. Before that I didn't know too many people who had babies. Didn't even know too many babies. The only time I spent around babies in the past were my own neice and nephew, who most of the time, lived in other states. I adored my nephew as a baby, but I was about 15 years old at the time. Having babies was the farthest thing from my mind. When I was in college, my sister, niece and nephew stayed with my folks and me for a while. My niece was about 3 or 4 at the time, and unfortunately, not the sweetest thing in the world. I was also working at CVS, where frantic and exhausted looking women would come in with screaming kids. I had decided that kids were a mistake some people made - to try to keep a doomed marriage together or the result of failed birth control.
But I remember this time I met this little boy while working at Koenig Art Store. He came in with his Mom, and he was so outgoing, started talking to me by himself. He said, "My name is Sean. And I have a brother - his name is Patrick."
I said,"Wow, you must be Irish."
He looks at me with this look of pity and exasperation,"NO, I told you, my name is SEAN."
I was instantly smitten. We chatted for a while, and so amazing was our connection that his Mom asked if I would babysit because he seemed to like me so much. I declined because I thought, well, I have absolutely no experience with kids and I would be a terrible babysitter. But I remember that moment when that cute little boy stole my heart. I never looked at kids the same since.

Then, a few years later, Marianne, a woman with whom I had worked as a decorative painter for years, had a baby boy, Leo. It was the first time a friend of mine had a baby. And I was finally mature enough to recognize what Marianne was describing to me. She loved to tell me about her feelings for her Leo. How it has changed the way she sees everything. I could see how much fun she had with Leo and the bliss she received from him. She would cry when describing something sweet or cute that he did.
And something that really blew my mind was this one time we all went to get Mexican food somewhere in Brooklyn after working in the city. Marianne still worked with us while baby Leo would stay with her parents. Next to our table was a woman who was with her own baby, who was hungry and crying. That baby was very cute too, and when he started cryng, I noticed Marianne slouched down in her chair, pulling her shirt. I asked her what was the matter. She told me that the crying baby made her gush out milk. I was stunned. Not even her own baby. I was completely awed at the power of that . Her motherly instincts took over her body. Her desire to calm that baby made her body do something miraculous. I am sure some folks heard that baby, and their reaction was one of intolerance and annoyance. I needed to know what being a Mommy was like. That kind of love, that kind of total transformation of body, heart, and perspective.

Then it seemed everyone I knew was having babies. And my friend at Paier College, Sue Falato, who was cupid for Mark and me, had a baby girl. I started talking to anyone who would indulge me about what it was like to have a baby. There was just one problem I had nobody to have a baby with. And finally Mark came into my life. And I knew he was the one. There were times when I couldn't look at Mark and not wonder what our baby would look like. The love we shared and the intensity of my admiration and love for him - I needed to know. But I still needed to wait. And wait. Wait for a steady job, wait for Mark to feel ready, wait for marriage. Until finally waiting was no longer necessary or smart.

So here I am, and pregancy is nothing like I imagined it would be. I do not feel like the glowing, enlightened, happy, happy life-giving miracle I thought I would. Instead I have felt nauseous, sick, bloated, lonely, nervous and bored. But now that I am feeling this cantaloupe in my belly, what I didn't imagine is the feeling of having a tiny person in there, with whom I am sharing blood, emotions, and a new kind of love.

More House Hunting

2008-02-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Went to look at these "condos" today with Mark. I use quotation marks because they are really just dressed up apartments. But their prices are really low. Bad points: There are no real views, a small laundry room in the basement, no balconies, big construction project across the street, it's a neighborhood that we wouldn't stay in because of terrible schools, and they are about 850 square feet. Good points: Everything is brand new, central air, only $200 HOA, and the neighborhood is not scary. And we could probably get one for $275,000. Believe it or not, that is a very good price.

Also looked at this house in Burbank in an amazing area. It is a foreclosure selling at $399K. (Most houses in that area go for $600K and up.) So at that price we were used to something that has no roof, in a crack den, or with a electric plant in the front yard. So we thought, well let's see what scary thing this is. It does need a lot of cosmetic work. Needs: some new windows, new floors, all appliances, major scrubbing, paint, some landscaping, and new cabinets. Also, there is about 5 feet in between houses, and no back yard. Our awesome realtor, Alison, says we can offer $330K because it is a foreclosure. Here are some pics:
den

tiiiiiiiny kitchen

garage

2nd bathroom

bedroom

(You can see I already have a bit of belly. Belly pics to come soon.)

How about that red room? The house is in a great neighborhood with a fantastic bike/jog path right across the street where folks are walking their dogs, jogging, strolling with babies. It is in a great school district. And within walking distance are cafes, cool shops, a Rite Aid, and a park. The question is, can we do all that cosmetic work with a baby in the picture? And can we afford the extra expenses?

Big decisions. We would love any advice! Especially, how much of a tax break do you really get from interest deductions?

Vomitous Valentine's Day

2008-02-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

Mark and I are celebrating Love this weekend, because all I was celebrating on Velentine's Day was porcelain. I debated whether to share this, but it is just so ridiculous and almost farcical. If I didn't know I was pregnant and a slave to those hormones I seriously would have thought I had been poisoned and dying. I woke up at 5am, having to run to the bathroom to throw up, and then continued to throw up every 30-40 minutes until 3 in the afternoon. I would sip water, gnaw on a cracker, only to have to throw it up. If I just happened to even think of a word associated with food, I would have to go throw up. 'No, don't say spatula!' Aaaagh. Today all my stomach muscles and even muscles in my neck and shoulders I didn't even know existed are so sore. And today I feel fine. Go figure.

Enough of that. What I really wanted to talk about today was love. I don't think the origin of St. Valentine's Day was about chocolate and diamonds or even about being in love, but I like to celebrate the love part. I am where I am now because of love. Love brought me to Los Angeles and knocked me up. So I guess, in a way, it was love that made me puke all day! Ha!
I was friends with Mark in Paier College(90-94), and didn't see him again for almost 10 years. I bumped into him again because of the same college. In 2003, he came to give a lecture and I was teaching there.
I really had a thing for him in school, but never really told him. I figured I wasn't pretty enough or cool enough, and he was a bit of a wise ass. I thought his attentions toward me were just to get me into bed. That's what my parents always told me boys only ever wanted. I remember being in almost all the same classes, and even working on a drawing project together. He would always saunter in late, wearing a heavy metal t-shirt, combat boots and long hair, cracking some joke. I thought he was the hottest guy I had ever seen. I recall how the smell of him made me feel weird, a little dizzy and excited. In my high school not many boys had long hair, but I always had crushes on those few. They were mysterious and bad boys. They probably kissed good, I thought. Through the years at art school, Mark and I stayed friends.

Well, it turns out he had a big thing for me too, and never said anything.

We went on with our separate lives after graduation. I joined art sketching groups, went out goth dancing, had a couple of doomed relationships, traveled, worked in Manhatten, and drifted along. It was at the end of a way too long relationship, that I moved back in with my folks for a while, and was teaching at Paier College.
Which brings us to the reuniting. I was good friends with Paier's student activities director, Sue Falato, and she happened to mention to Mark at his lecture that I was teaching there and that I was *single*. Oh, yeah. Well just one catch: Mark is moving to California in 3 weeks. I called the number on his card, excited to see an old friend. Mark sounded a little distracted and mentioned that maybe next week he will have some time, being in the middle of packing up his life. So we made plans to meet on Sunday, which happened to be the day after my birthday. And also happened to be the day after I stayed up all night partying in Manhatten, but wasn't too tired the next afternoon. God, I could never do that now. The next 10 days were a blur. I felt like a pawn in a game, being moved around, following some grand plan. Didn't sleep much; We would stay up all night talking. When I had to go to work and leave him, it hurt. But the BIG THING, which even as it was happening I was all,"Wha?", happened one day when Mark and I went to a cafe. We were chatting about everything and nothing, sitting in a bubble of sleep-deprived euphoria. And then I felt this electrically charged gentle wind inside my body, filling my breath. A sweet, distant voice said, "This is him. This is the father of your children." And I looked around me, like "Wha? Jeez, Joy you need some sleep." Naaah, wishful thinking, maybe.
But it didn't take long for me to realize I really was in big trouble. What am I going to do? He is moving to Los Angeles! Three days before he was to get in his car and drive to the other side of the country, he laid it on me. He pulled me close and said, "I have to tell you something. I am in love with you." Without hesitation, I told him that I loved him too. We cried.
And we made a plan. I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him, even more than I was certain about the sun rising every morning. We were a great team. I felt I knew him as well as I knew myself. I know how he works, and I finally felt someone understood my wacky self.
So he would go to LA, and see how it goes. I would stay in Connecticut, and see how it goes. I flew out there every single moment I could to be with him. We paid thousands in plane tickets and cel phone bills. FYI: Cingular won't give long distance love discounts.
Two months after we met(again), we decided we would get married. (It only took us 4 years to actually get around to the wedding.) And ten months later, we moved in together in Burbank. Then, adopted two cats, got engaged, got married, and got pregnant, in that order. I feel we are the luckiest people to have found eachother.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Stuff For Baby

2008-02-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Pretty soon, we will hopefully know the gender of Baby Covell. And I know already that there are very excited Grandparents who are trembling with baby shopping anticipation.

So my question is: Do you have any recommendations for where to register? And what things are necessary and what things are a waste of space? I have looked on BabysRUS and Target, but I just don't know. Maybe it doesn't really matter, and I just like obsessing over these things!

Yesterday I went to It's A Wrap, a store here in town to which all the TV and movie studios give props and the amazing clothes from their wardrobe departments when they don't need them anymore. They had baby and kid's clothes there, and they were so cute and from really nice labels, but very gender specific, so I couldn't get anything. (How's that for a run on sentence?) Anyway, it was frustrating.

Home Birth vs Hospital

2008-02-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am taking it easy. And I am a little bored and lonely. It's okay, though, because I would do anything in the world to keep the little one safe in there. I cannot remember the last time I went this long without exercise. I get winded going up one flight of stairs! Heck, I could go on and on about all the hormone related stuff. But I'll sum it up: heartburn, crying at anything, asleep by 10pm, peeing every 20 minutes, inability to tolerate any bullshit, constipation, nausea and headaches. No big deal. Bring it on! It's all worth it to eventually know the feeling of this:

Thanks, Dave and Christy.

So I have started thinking about and researching the home birth versus hospital birth idea. I have thought about it even before I met Mark. I want to temper my thoughts from being too new-agey or too conventional, and focus on what's best for Mark and me.
On one extreme there are the folks who want to give birth naked under a tree in the mountains. On the other extreme is lying in a hospital bed with IVs in my arms, a tube in my spinal cord, monitors strapped to my belly, and my legs in stirrups.
If everything goes normally, I am completely comfortable with having a certified nurse midwife come to my apartment to assist my giving birth. We live less than 2 miles from the hospital just in case. I have spoken to women who have done this, and they recommend it enthusiastically.
Also, I think I am capable of having the kind of experience I want in the hospital. My fear is that I will be pressured to do things contrary to my wishes in the hospital. Maybe I have read too many bad stories. But why would there be so many bad hospital birth stories and practically none about home births?
Mark is so wonderful and listens to all my ramblings intently and patiently. We want this to be a team effort and mutual decision.
I think that my generation thinks that a hospital birth is the way it should be. It is all we have ever seen or heard about. Actually, home birth has been the norm throughout history, and still is the norm in most other countries. And with all my research of medical studies, I have yet to find one that says that hospital birth shows any advantage with a normal pregnancy birth. And I have read many which show much much lower rates of cesareans and epesiotomies, and shorter labors in home births. The bottom line is I want to have the freedom to move around and be in whatever position that feels best for me when the birth comes. The next step is to go to the hospital and see what their policies are. I'll let you know how that goes.

What are your feelings about this matter? I would love to hear your opinion!

Take It Easy

2008-02-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

This is me.

Tuesday was a little stressful. I went to see Dr. Sofya. I call her Dr. Sofya because her last name is Tsya-can't-pronounce-to-save-my-life-ska. I went in last minute because things were happening in my baby making parts that weren't supposed to be. Turns out the baby's house is sitting low, too close to the exit. It's not dangerous, but I have to 'take it easy' for the next 4 weeks until everything starts moving upwards, away from the exit. She did a sonogram and the little thing is moving around like crazy with a big old strong heart. My blood pressure is 95/65 and I finally stopped gaining weight.(They say that weight gain isn't supposed to start until the 4th month. Shut up.)
I said, "Take it easy? I don't do that."
Dr. Sofya says, "No sex and no heavy lifting." Oops, I didn't tell her about all the moving of boxes and all the aerobics and handstands I have been doing.
"But that's all I do now; I'm unemployed", I said.
Dr. Sofya smiles, "No."
"Can I do yoga?"
"No"
"Can I go to the gym?"
"No"
"Can I go for a walk?"
"Just take it easy."
So I can go for easy walks. I really need some new hobbies now. My old hobbies of sex and heavy lifting are on the back burner.

What Am I, A Bird?

2008-02-02T09:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I decided that I had to go through all my clothes, and pick out two big bag's worth to give away. But why is it so hard for me to get rid of clothes? Why, yes, I will fit into these jeans again, so I'll just keep those, besides they cost $70! And this purple 80's shirt with butterflies on it, well, sure I have worn it once, but it is so pretty and funky. And, yes, I DO need 20 pairs of bras!
Problem is, I have one 3 foot wide closet to hold my shoes, fancies, and workout gear. And one 3 drawer dresser from Ikea to hold everything else.
It just doesn't seem like a lot of storage for me. I don't think I am a clothes whore. What do you have for clothes? Should I be able to fit everything into these spaces? I just hate to throw out good clothes, but I have to make room for a new person to live here! Yaaaaaayyy! Guess who is going to get the Ikea dresser for diapers and onesies? Not Mark!

So what to do? Then I decided that the studio/office room, which is a little bigger than the bedroom, needs to be the new sleeping, clothes, baby room. It is a whole whopping 11'X 13'. What are we going to do with all that space? Just for fun, I made a small scale drawing of the room, and cut out to-scale pieces of paper. I figured out the bigger room could hold a bed, dresser, crib, and YES, even a new wardrobe! And still have room to walk around in it. We will get to paint the walls a new fun color. and maybe even get new curtains. Glee!

The current bedroom is 10'X 12', so it will be the new studio. Now we have to figure out how all of our stuff is going to fit into the smaller room. So I started to go through everything in the studio, throwing things away, and packing lots of more stuff into bins which I can put s o m e where.....uhhh.... in the garage! Okay, now we have to clean out the garage! Oh, boy!

Weird thing is that I am completely psyched to do all this. Sure I am unemployed and bored, but I am feeling this very strong (nesting)need to make a functional, comfy place to live.

So how have you tackled the getting house ready for baby thing?

Belly

2008-01-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

13 weeks

This is not easy for me. I have never owned a belly shirt. I always wore a t-shirt over my bathing suit. I wear baggy yoga pants. Not too many people have seen my uncovered soft, pale underbelly. I have always struggled with my self image. If I didn't look like some skinny actress, well I just wasn't thin enough. Some girls are just naturally small, but not me. And I can't believe how the pregnancy hormones are making me even more 'robust.' How does one gain weight from hardly eating and throwing up for a month?
Whatever.

So this is not easy, but liberating for me. And fun. Mark and I are very excited to document the amazing changes that are going to happen. There won't be too much belly growth for a while, so be patient!

Pregnancy

2008-01-27T10:43:00.000-08:00

Oh, I could ramble forever on this subject. I could have even before I found out I was pregnant. I have always been completely fascinated with conception, pregnancy, and birth. And for the past several years I have eagerly looked forward to experiencing all these things and to experiencing a tiny, unique, divine life grow right inside my belly. This thing, only 2 1/2 inches big, already moving, with fingernails and even a tiny pancreas, grew from almost nothing. What makes it grow? How does it know what to do? Where the eyelids go and how to make a brain? I have enjoyed meditating on this thought.
And then I ponder on the fact that my egg that helped sprout this little person, that egg, was inside me when I was a fetus inside my Mom in 1971. And that the egg that made me was inside my Mom, inside my Grandma in 1941! This blows me away. Isn't that mind-blowing?
I have just started to enjoy these thoughts only lately. Even though I have known I was pregnant since November 28th, I have been so very, very nauseous literally 24/7, that I have not been able to have one thought other than, "Not going to throw up...not going to throw up...not going..." Mercifully now I am feeling better and now only feel that way 10pm to 6am. I gladly accept the heartburn, constipation, and headaches in exchange. Oh, and I only fit into one pair of my jeans anymore, and none of my bras fit.
I am already focused on how everything I do, feel, think, eat, affects someone else directly. And I am so delighted in this! I accept this responsibility with such open and loving humbleness. I can imagine baby snuggled in my gooey insides and imagine I am already holding the sweet, tiny body in my hands and singing into those tiny ears. These things give me such happiness. I already have a relationship with my baby.

Coming soon... Mark Papa Covell, first belly pics, and more musings. Here is an old pic for now.

Newborn Joy

Big Announcement

2008-01-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

Mark and I have been busy.... Here's proof:

We are very excited and delerious. More to come...

PS In case you couldn't make it out, it's a picture of tiny Baby Covell that I am hiding for now.

Top 25 Most Played

2008-01-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

Jeesh, someone might think I am a moody goth chic.

A Year of Yoga!

2008-01-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

Last year I made a resolution to become a yogi. It has been a fun, challenging, and introspective path. I have become so amazed at what my body can do and how I can listen to it. And I have been even more amazed at how my mind and soul have become so quiet and tolerant and more loving.
When I was a kid, I loved tumbling, climbing, playing on the swingset. And later, I jogged and did aerobics. But now, yoga is so much fun. I cannot wait to go to class, and I am always bummed when class is over. For 90 minutes my mind, spirit and body are all one, focused, working together. And the feeling of each pose and it's effect on me are so exciting. After handstands, I feel euphoric. After warrior poses, I feel so powerful. And after backbends, I feel so energized and a little high. Backbends are my absolute favorite pose.
When I have a breakthrough(successfully doing a pose after months of trying), it is such an exhilarating feeling. Here are pictures of poses that I worked and worked towards and finally got. (Well, the backbends come naturally, but the arm balances were a struggle. And the handstand I can stick for a few seconds!) Dropping back into a backbend and getting back up has been the most exciting breakthrough. And I love to see the person in class who can do a pose I can't yet, and I feel thrilled and admiration for them, and it makes me try harder.
I still need to build strength. My flexibility is there, but yoga is about the balance of the strength and flexibility. Yoga is still 100 times tougher than any gym class or video I have tried, and I love the challenge.

Things Not Found In LA

2008-01-11T15:56:00.001-08:00

Actually, kitties can be found in LA, but not this particular kitty. And the chickens, donkeys, and that sunset cannot are rare here too.
But in Tennesse, these amazing things are everywhere!

I Miss You Too

2008-01-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

Dave was kind enough to point out that I haven't posted in a while. In over a month! Don't cry! Here is a little update. I worked on a portrait commission, and then flew with Mark to Nashville to see his Mom and Sis. Then we celebrated the New Year's arrival at our friend Chris's house, to which I brought the famous macaroons.
The portrait was such a major project. A child's face is the most difficult thing in the world to paint. I would rather paint a cut crystal bowl full of hershey's kisses, or a trompe of a dollar bill. But I think it turned out okay.

The trip to Nashville was wonderful and completely relaxing, which made up for the punitive plane rides. After 3 years in LA, the rolling green hills, ponds, and farms were such a gorgeous sight. And there were ducks! and chickens! and donkeys! Oh, my!
Mom Marion and Holly were so fun, and we were all thrilled to spend the time together.

I have never been a big New Year's Eve celebrating person. Midnight is just so late, dammit. But I do like the idea of setting new goals and intentions for the year. When I figure them out, I will let you know.
I made macaroons to bring to the New Year's Eve party, and people flipped out over them.
Here is the recipe for the most amazing, sinful cookie you will ever have. It's like putting a creamy, chewy, sweet piece of heaven in your mouth. I am not kidding. Make these for someone you love. Hopefully, they like coconut. I bake stuff all the time, and these macaroons get the most attention. Almost as much as the whoopie pies. There are many other recipes for the whoopie pie, but Mark forbids me to try them out.

So there you have it. Portrait, ducks, and macaroons.

For My Six Visitors

2007-12-06T13:17:00.001-08:00

Hello Friends! I am just going to ramble because I have no big fancy Hollywood party to talk about. No new cat pictures (well, maybe just one). No big gripes, just lttle ones. So I am going to do a big blogging no-no and just talk about random stuff. Luckily I know my good friends will be interested (I hope). Here it goes.

1. We saw Kirsten Dunst the other day on our walk to Trader Joes. On her cel phone in front of her house, which is right close by. Cool. She is tiny, of course.

2. It might rain tomorrow! It actually feels fall-like some days, but it was 90 degrees two days ago. Even after 3 years, the weather still makes it very difficult to feel Christmasy. Haven't been doing any Christmas shopping (which always makes me happy!)because of the writer's strike. (That's okay! I support them. Stand up to The Man!)

3. I was at a birthday party for my friend Frank the other day, and I met two folks who each lost their homes to wildfire. One told me how a policeman came to his door and said,'You are leaving NOW.' He couldn't grab anything, not even his pets. Jesus.

4. I quit my personal assistant job. At the new year, I hope to have something new to occupy my time. Yes, I am very happy!

5. I am so thrilled for the Gannons! Little Hadley is so very cute! Ever since most of my friends started having babies years ago, I witnessed their happiness and seen their gigantic parent love. I still remember the day and the feeling when I realized it was what I wanted too. It's weird how you can know something without really having any clue what it is like.

6. I feel ready for big changes! I am trying new ways of painting. Thinking about how I can make my work more individual, more me, more personal, emotional.

7. Please let me know how you are doing! Even if it a string of random things!

Dream Box

2007-11-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

I read about using a 'dream box' in a book. I thought it was a great way to help visualize goals. If you desire something. Like calmness, a new home, a great job, etc. You gather visuals of this goal and keep them in the dream box. You can decorate the box and make it very special. Then you look at the pictures or drawings, or articles, imagine yourself in that environment, and eventually the path to them will appear.

I started a special dream box folder on my computer too. So far it is just pictures of my ideal interiors and environments. I go through it regularly, and I realized that my tastes have changed so much. I now love the cottage look. And I realized my favorite pictures are always with this gorgeous cool light. Of course, this
is still my ultimate dream.
Well I still live in my apartment in Burbank which looks nothing like the places in the photos. But someday. Someday....

My BFWWW Had a Baby !!

2007-11-28T10:36:00.000-08:00

Not much is happening in my life. Mark still has a job despite the strike, and I am working on a portrait commission.
But the BIG NEWS is that Christy and Dave made a baby and she is here! I wish I was better with words so that I could express my delerious delight I feel for them. To see my life long friend and the man who adores and loves her beyond hope enjoy their baby girl.... I am so overwhwelmed with empathetic happiness. They will be amazing parents.

Congratulations! And welcome Hadley August Gannon. You are one lucky little girl!

Getty Villa

2007-11-20T21:34:00.001-08:00

Went to the Getty Villa with my friends Laurel and Paul last week. It is a special museum perched atop a big hill in Malibu and overlooking the ocean. Very valuable real estate.It was made with the sole purpose of housing J. Paul Getty's(one rich mo-fo) antiques. It was designed and built to resemble what experts believe would be the ideal villa in ancient Rome, right down to the marble and mosaic floors, outdoor Roman theatre, courtyards, and colums all over the place.
Here are a few of the highlights. I loved this fertility figure with her arms out. Considering the crude tools they had, the carving is really amazing. And the other pic of the grouping of carvings is from about 5000 - 7000 B.C. Mindblowing. That's old.
And then a nice shot of the peristyle under a sunset.

Been Busy!

2007-11-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

So a few weeks ago was Family Guy's 100th episode party at the Social in Hollywood. It was a media frenzy. You could hardly move around. Except for the dining area where you could relax and eat some amazing food. I couldn't stop eating this curried spinach and sweet potato salad. You can see a picture of some of the voice actors of the show in the pic with the huge cake. And a pic of Mark and I all gussied.

I went to the costume contest at Family Guy too. Here are a couple of pics from that. Mark is the Emperor, who is standing next to Mic who is a deranged tooth fairy, I think. And then Jeff as Marvin the Martian. He made that costume. So amazing.

I have no pics, but we went to Disneyland last weekend too. After eight hours my body had enough of being shaken, twirled, and propelled. The most mind-blowing part was seeing all the work and artistry and money that went into making that place. Seeing all those adorable, thrilled kids was a treat. There were anly 2 or 3 screamy or whiney ones the whole day!

The other night we went to see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D with our friends Laurel, Paul, Annie, and Eric. It gave me a little headache, but it was so worth it.

I also started teaching a small class in oil painting in the new dining room studio in the apt. on Saturdays. I can't wait every week! Makes me feel good.

Well, that's pretty much it. Now Thanksgiving to plan!

More Dreamy Dream House Pictures

2007-11-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

More pics of Dan Pinkham's house. They said that they inherited a lot of their beautiful furniture. Lucky. Dan and his wife pretty much did everything themselves, including construction, installing windows, doors, and decorating. I think it's the reason the house is much more amazing than if they had just hired out all the work.

My Dream house

2007-11-01T09:07:00.001-07:00

These are just a small sampling of the crazed amount of pictures I took of this house. It was perfect for me. It is across the street from the ocean. It inspires me to no end. I will pretend it is my house.

The Real Stars of LA

2007-10-30T22:01:00.001-07:00

I had the thrill of being invited by my friend Frank Serrano to a paintout down in Palos Verdes on Saturday. The very best plein air painters in California were there. The painters painted all morning while collectors and sponsors looked on. Then there was a light lunch. The best part was that I was able to tag along to Dan Pinkham's house (my dream house- I will post about this house!) to get to socialize with some of the artists, Mian Situ, David Gallup, Stephen Mirich, Amy Sidrane, Tim Solliday, and Alexey Steele. Later on, Alexey, Amy, David, Daniel, and Stephen went out to paint and enjoy this amazing sunset. It was like meeting your favorite movie star, but better!

Hollywood

2007-10-27T08:12:00.001-07:00

Took these shots while fighting traffic down Hollywood Blvd. I was drawn to the last picture because it has a huge bilboard for a show about a homocidal maniac on what looks to be an old church which sits next to the Snow White Bar and Lounge. Bet you never knew of her side job.

Update: Jury Duty, Art Show and Fullerton

2007-10-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

Just and update, dear friends, on my recent activities. Last weekend Mark and I went to the Fullerton Museum to see the J.C. Leyendecker exhibit. A really great show! I sneekily took some pictures. Here is one of the series of Kellogg's cereal ads. They dubbed Leyendecker "America's Other Illustrator" because he was not as well known as Norman Rockwell, but he did many Saturday Evening Post and Colliers covers for 40 years.
We stopped for some Mexican and walked around the cute little downtown Fullerton. I picked up a ragingly gorgeous party dress (for $39!) at a second hand shop. I can't wait to wear it. Happy Birthday to me!
Last Friday, Family Guy had an art show at the office. The employees painted work in the theme of movie posters. Mark did a Sin City illustration with Peter and Lois all Frank Miller style. It was a big hit!
And Friday and Monday I went to the Los Angeles County courthouse in downtown LA to waste two whole days. I was originally pre-selected for a jury, but was excused after the lawyers interviewed me. I guess I am not jury material, but the person who couldn't speak any English and the deaf person who also couldn't speak English were stuck on the jury. Go figure.
Only in LA though will you have an actress, a stripper, the son of THE Lender's bagel guy, and the father of the singer of Maroon 5 with you in the courtroom. The big highlight is that the courthouse is right next to this masterpiece.

San Luis Obispo Paint Out, Part 2

2007-10-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

While painting up in SLO, I met a couple of very talented artists. Here is a pic of Lori Putnam and me at the big gala reception. Lori and I stayed in the same host house. She is from Nashville and has the sweetest personality, so it was so fun to get to know her.

And I took a pic of Virginia Vaughn (V...Vaughn). She is from Texas, and she is so fun. I wish I had half of the energy of this woman.

San Luis Obispo Paint Out

2007-10-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

The first week of October I went to San Luis Obispo to participate in the SLO Plein Air Festival. It's about a 3 hour drive straight north, where the vineyards and farms and world famous cliffs and rocks by the ocean. And I actually, for some weird, maybe hormonal reason, I did not really want to go. Plus, I had pulled a big muscle in my back at yoga class. Maybe I was psyched out about having to paint and show with some of the best plein air painters in the West. Maybe I was sick of being away from home.... Aaannnyywwayyyyy.... I went a day late, drove around aimlessly, didn't know anyone, didn't know where anything was. But I didn't care. It was so gorgeous there. I mean REALLY nice. The air was so clean and smelled like eucalyptus and lavender and grapes.
The first day I did some quick sketches of cows. Very fun. I love cows. They are so cool, and I feel so good that I don't eat them. Then I labored over this painting of the sun setting behind these amazing trees with rolling golden hills and a creek. And when I was almost done, a big wind came and blew my easel over, and my very wet painting skidded face down in the nice loose gravelly dirt. There was no saving it. Ow, well. Day two and no paintings yet. I had 3 and a half days to produce six showable paintings.(*Gulp*)

Plein air painting is done on location, using no photographs or tricks. One must set up in the elements: wind, cold, heat, sun, traffic, annoying people, no bathroom, no food. And finish a painting in about 3 hours. Or go back day after day at the same time. But I had SIX paintings to do.

Here are the best of the paintings I eventally did. I just loved the old villlage feel of the little towns. And I met some incredible painters and made some friends. I am so glad that I went!

I'm Back!

2007-10-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

Hello friends. I am posting about our recent trip to Denver to visit my Best Friend in The Whole Wide World and Her Husband and Their Baby (to be), and Mither Gibthin and Miss Tika. Mark and I arrived on a Friday afternoon. Christy picked us up and we went to meet up with Dave at his work, where we enjoyed a gorgeous vista of the Denver skyline. (see pic)
We then went out to eat(YUM), and then went back to the new Gannon house.
Saturday we went to the Rockies for a short hike and lunch at The Jersey Boys deli. They were really from Jersey. Oh, yeah, and the Rockies were so spectacular. Clean, high altitude dizzy, deep blue sky, super-spectacular gorgeous.
Then that night we lounged at the Gannon house, ate the most amazing fish tacos, and laughed and talked and reminisced. It was a perfect day of eating, exercise, and relaxing.
Sunday we did a little shopping, had some sushi, and then it was to the airport.We had a wonderful time, and Christy and Dave are fun, gracious hosts!
This visit was so special to me. Not just because I was going to see someone who has been a good friend for over 20 years, but I was seeing her while she was making a person! I had a thought that seeing her pregnant might be weird, but it was so cool and natural. And she looked so beautiful.

My New Favorite Clouseau Pic

2007-09-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

Clouseau has a shoe fetish.

My New Favorite Cato Pic

2007-09-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

This will cure insomnia.