Mommy to a Spider Monkey on Crack

I love Aidric so much. I am so proud of him. He is smart, funny, sweet, and loving. But lately he is also like a spider monkey on crack. That's right. Imagine a strong and wild little beast. Now imagine that beast on crack, or speed, or meth. (I have never taken these drugs or even seen anyone in person who was on these drugs. I am going by stereotypes from TV.) I wanted to write about it because I'm not sure that many of you know what it's like.
Aidric wakes up every morning at 6:15 and hits the ground running. Literally. He cannot wait to get going, to turn something over, to climb something, to go through the drawers, to pour something out, to pull everything out of the closet, to flush the toilet a million times, to pull at my pants while I'm trying to go to the bathroom, to climb onto the back of the toilet so that he can turn on the faucet, to open and close the doors a million times, to bang on the walls and furniture with my shoe, the remote, a spoon, etc, to squish the cat, to try to stand on Daddy's head, to pull the keys off my keyboard, to get up onto the stove, and to throw the ball at the TV. This all happens at a running speed and in about 15 minutes. I am not exaggerating. He keeps this pace throughout the day.
I know some people who have what I call 'easy babies'. I am not implying that parenting is easy for anyone. I am saying that parents of these easy babies have completely different lives than mine. They can take a shower while easy baby plays with a toy next to the tub. They can eat or drink something in peace or even while sitting down. They can go shopping while easy baby laughs and coos in the stroller or cart. They can make dinner. They can go out to eat with easy baby. They can have conversations with other adults. They can go to the park or beach and relax while easy baby quietly plays. They can live without the constant responsibility of stopping disasters.
I do not feel badly in any way. I think Aidric is extraordinary, brilliant, physically advanced, and healthy. I would never want him to be anything other than who he is.
I do, however, wonder what it might be like to have one of those easy babies and would welcome some validation.

Dualities

What a boring title. Oh, well.

It amazes me how the major part of being a parent is the constant pulling of different forces. You can be drawn up to an ecstatic heavenly place while feeling heartbroken at the same time.

Even the simplest of things like when Aidric waves at someone. He almost always finally waves when the lucky recipient has moved their attention elsewhere, and he gets this confused and disappointed look on his face like, " Hey! I waved! Why are you ignoring me. Hello...." And my heart breaks for him while I am also feeling so proud of his new skill.

Speaking of which, the heartache! Oh, the sympathy. When he gets an boo-boo or he gets terrified of a loud sound, I look at him and I just feel it. I feel it like it's my own injury or trauma.

Or when I wait and wish for the day that he can entertain himself so I can get something done, and when that day comes, I wonder if he feels neglected.

I am guessing that I had better get used to this duality. Pride will always be mixed with worry. Love will always be hand in hand with fear.

I remember reading in a Steven King story once that we always imagine the worst horrors happening to those we love the most. Love and fear. It's true.

It has been such a journey this past year. I felt that I have been reborn. I naively said to myself when I was pregnant that life will be the same, but better. Sure, I'll have more responsibility, but I want that. I realize now that there is no way to imagine how it will be. It would be like imagining a new set of colors or sounds. Another contradiction, it seems, that I am the same person, but I'm not. My perceptions are permanently filtered through his eyes. And he holds the biggest mirror up to me. I see how I look to him, and I want to be the best person I can be for him. It's an instant attitude changer. Free therapy.

I'm sorry if it sounds just too sappy, but I feel like having Aidric is the hugest, most wonderful thing the world could ever know! "We made a baby! A human! He's awesome!" But there are millions of babies in the world. It happens every day. Calm the heck down.
Therein is the biggest duality.

Thanks for listening!

Aidric 10 1/2 Months

I always think of these deep and poignant things to write about when I am trying to fall asleep or sitting at the playground. When I am here actually writing, it's all gone. But I do recall musings on how everything is different now. Better and very different.
For instance, I have a different brain. Not like someone else's brain. It's my brain, but it just no longer works the same. The stuff that makes me ME is still there, but my thinking is now Aidric-centric. I can no longer have a long, quiet conversation with someone. Mostly because the person with whom I am talking is also afflicted with the same brain change. This new brain causes me to forget just about everything. Like things about which I wanted to write.

One thought I do recall is this: If every Mom out there loves their babies with the same intensity that I love Aidric, how can there be so much bad stuff in the world? I feel that my love alone could wipe all the hatred out of the Middle East. Pre-Aidric, I would have never thought it possible to have this intensity of emotion. Falling in love with Mark is close but so very different too.

I still think about the miracle of it all. How this person formed from an almost nothingness inside of my body. I will know him as a infinitely small speck of potentiality, a squirmy newborn, a crawling squealing blur, and hopefully as a precocious toddler, an awkward and loving adolescent, a happy grown up, and maybe even a precocious old man.

It took ten months for it to happen, but I finally feel totally at peace with leaving Aidric with Mark so I can go shopping or get a pedicure. A good combination of lessened separation anxiety, less nursing requirement, and less guilt from me. I have been to two yoga classes. When I am practicing yoga there is no room in my head for anything else, and when it's over I realize that I thought of nobody else but me. That's a good thing sometimes.




Dear Aidric,

You are now 10 1/2 months old. You are now clapping! It's the cutest thing. Almost as cute as when you hold your foot up with your hand when you sit, or when you grab your feet and clap them during your diaper change, or when you sit on the floor and scoot around 360 degrees. You wave to people, but usually way after you first meet them and they are not looking. You are very interested in other people, craning your head around to see them, or just staring and staring. Then you look away coyly when they talk to you. You little charmer.
You are fascinated with wheels, buttons, and all things electrical(outlets, cords, vacuum, remotes, phones, DVD player, etc.) Trying to keep you alive and uninjured takes up most of the day. You seem fearless and try to even climb things that are not climbable at all. You shock and awe everyone on the playground and at Gymboree with your climbing abilities.

You are doing some amazing things now. Instead of just knocking down the tower of blocks, you gently nudge them, crawl around it to look at it from different angles, pick the top block off, and then smash it. You have started to give me things- handing me some of your food or offering me the chance to chew on your toy(um, thanks). But, oh, I just melt. I see the beginnings of your using objects - like when you hold your block and put it up against your music table, or when you try to put something back into it's place. Seeing this kind of learning growth thrills me so.

You are cruising, walking your car back and forth, and even standing on your own for many seconds until you slowly sit down. Watching you little bow legs and your little diaper-tooshie walking away is the cutest thing in the world.

You are babbling and squealing away from the moment you wake up to the moment you finally pass out. The only exception being when you are concentrating on something or managed to grab the remote and the thrill of this forbidden object in your hands renders you speechless. You hold it with both hands in front of your face in disbelief, and then look to Daddy or me to see our reaction. We say, "No-no!", and then you laugh at us.

I have improved your diet to include more veggies. You like peas the most. I can put down a mix of green beans, carrots, and peas to find that you cleverly pick out only the peas. If you are feeling frisky, the beans and carrots go overboard.

You now enjoy the stroller, which makes me happy too because I can see a jogging stroller in our future. We take you for a walk almost every day in the stroller, but you still love to take an early morning walk with me in your carrier. We see squirrels, dogs, bikers, cats, flowers, trees, and sometimes other babies. We bounce and sing and touch flower petals. Towards the end of the walk, you are getting sleepy and you rest your head on my shoulder and look up at me. Your eyelids get heavy and your little body gets soft and still. I can't fully describe how this sweet moment just fills me up with bliss.


We had a visit from your Grandma Marion and your Aunt Holly. It was a busy, fun week, and I think the highlight was going to the Huntington. Outrageously beautiful place. You saw some wonderful paintings (including one of my favorites), a waterfall, roses, and a Japanese garden. You especially loved the art museum. You babbled so loudly the whole time.


This past month Dad-Dad has been home from work. He goes back to work on Monday. I wonder how you will react. This past month has been great for you two and a great gift for me. I think I would be very happy as a Kalahari Bushmen where we could all forage and work together in our huts. At least we would all be together.


I wonder if all this intensity ever fades. Will I always get this screaming adrenaline rush when you first cry out for me? Will you always move me to hug you so tightly, cover you with kisses, and repeat 'I love you' every 10 minutes? Will you always be the first thought in my head and the last? Will my heart break every time you fall, when another kid is mean to you, or when you wave so sweetly, but the person doesn't even see you?
I know I will always feel so proud of all your accomplishments and cheer you on no matter what. Watching you walk away while you push your car, I know you have that excited look on your face. I clap and cheer even though I know it means one more small step towards your independence. But I will always be right behind you to grab you, kiss you and repeat 'I love you' over and over.

Love,
Mom-Mom

Aidric 9 1/2 Months

Aidric,

In the past month you have started to develop quite a little personality. You have big grinny, squinty-eyed smiles for Mommy and Daddy, beguiling ones for strangers, and a combination shy-turn-away with bug gummy smile chaser for special occasions.

You love to slap and drum any surface in your path. High chair tray - SLAP. Table top - SLAP. Mammy's belly - SLAP SLAP SLAP.

You are now cruising along everything and even transferring from couch to coffee table. Yesterday you let go of the chair, balanced standing up for 4 seconds, and then sat slowly down. I was so proud of you.

You are getting very good at feeding yourself and having a grand time with that. Then you realize that you have been sitting for 15 whole minutes, and it's time to get moving again, for the love of Pete! Your diet now is pretty diverse. You are eating carrots, polenta, peaches, pears, tofu, Ezekial bread with sunflower seed butter, whole grain waffles with flaxseed oil, blueberries, apricots, cheerios, Crispix, buttered raisin bread toast, kiwi, and yogurt in addition to your staples of sweet potato, banana, cereals, and avocado. Yes, I know, there is very little green veggies in that list.

You are doing all kinds of cute little arm gestures too. Hands up! Then arm out like you are Price Is Right model. Then you wave your hand up in the air! "Hi ceiling fan!"




You are saying, "bubble", "Dad-Dad", "Ma-Ma", and "bob-bob". I think "bob-bob" means Grandma because that's what you said nonstop when you saw her.

You have now tooth #2 coming in! Two razor teeth! The first one appeared about two weeks ago. Now I only nurse you when you are really hungry, so you don't practice your new chomping abilities on me. Ouch.

I haven't talked of this much, but you really don't like the car. If you are napped and fed, and it's not too late in the day, and it's not too hot, and there is no sun hitting you, and Mercury is NOT in retrograde, you will TOLERATE being in the car for maybe 15 minutes. After that, it's inconsolable screaming with so many tears and sweating and hyperventilating, and then my head explodes and collapses in on itself like a neutron star. We don't go too far.



But we go to the playground pretty much every day. You love it now. There are things to climb! And sand to eat! And other babies to watch! Oh, you talk to other babies now and smile at them. I just melt. Thank God the playground is a 5 minute drive!

We had a visit from Christy, Dave, and Hadley and a visit from Grandma. I had my best friend and Mom here for Mother's Day! It was wonderful and also total chaos. Trying to sight see in LA traffic, connect with them, eat, and have fun while coordinating around two different baby schedules, and all in 2 1/2 days. We all survived. I was so moved that Christy, in the midst of rearranging her life to prepare for a new job, decided to spend some of her last days of freedom by coming to visit! Thank you, Christy. That meant so much to me.




And your grandma, my Mom, also came to visit. It was wonderful to see how sweetly you bonded to her. I never heard you babble so loudly like you did with her! We went to the playground, did some shopping, and played with your toys. It was so nice to have someone to talk to and help out a little. Even to have just one relative living here would be wonderful beyond words. But we all have each other and that is the most important thing.



We had another earthquake the other night. We were eating dinner, and you were in your crib sleeping. We ran to you. I had to hold back tears. It wasn't a bad earthquake; Nothing even fell down, but I was terrified for a few minutes waiting to see if there would be more tremors. I held you and didn't let go for an hour. Daddy and I just held hands and looked at each other with renewed thankfulness for what we have.

I think that this 9 month mark has meant a big change in your emotional/mental development. I really see a little boy emerging. You want to investigate and explore your surroundings. MOVE MOVE MOVE. All day long. You are pretty good at entertaining yourself. I am so happy that I had that bliss of holding you all the time before you were crawling. I still treasure our cuddles, nursing time, and our walks. I would miss the early closeness if it wasn't such a blast to see you climb, cruise, and discover all this fun stuff! Like WHEELS! And DOORS! And BUTTONS!

You wake me up at 5:45 with a big old whine. Once I can finally pry my eyes open, I love to see your sleepy, hungry, crinkled up face. Your eyes are pleading for me. I pick you up, bring you back to my bedside to nurse you. We are both warm and drowsy and still. I sit there, just relishing the quiet and feeling your soft weight on my legs and belly. This bliss, too, is temporary.

I love you,
Mommy

Aidric, 8 1/2 Months

I haven't posted in so long, so I have so much to say. But obviously, I don't have a lot of time to myself to write anymore. I will try to be succinct.

As far as the past few months there have been major changes for me. Same for Aidric, of course. Me first. I never said anything before because, well, I didn't really know I was, and also because I was too embarrassed to say anything. I was depressed. Really depressed. I was finally NOT depressed about a month ago. Only then did I realize how depressed I was. Like when the lights are slowly dimmed and your eyes adjust to the darkness, but then someone turns on the lights. Click. Wow. I feel different.
The months of crying, screaming into pillows, not wanting to go anywhere, feeling SO alone and overwhelmed, and weeks on end with no direct human contact with friends. Bad combo of wacked out hormones, winter, non-napping baby, isolation, no exercise, and sleeplessness. Gosh, when I write it out, no wonder. We new Mommies NEED a face to face community. Sure online helps, but for me it was a cold faceless connection that left me feeling kind of pathetic. Like, why don't I have friends nearby that want to come over? If I had, I think things would have been different. I am feeling like a new person. It was most likely hormones causing me to feel that way, but it was very real nonetheless. Even so, I treasure those first months when it was just Aidric and me learning and getting to know each other.
Now that I am out of the darkness, I am being vigilant in my efforts for that community. Gymboree, playdates, Kindermusic, playground, etc. It is very helpful, and Aidric loves it. Speaking of Aidric...



My Little Man,

You are 8 1/2 months old. You are now crawling, pulling up to standing, climbing, and cruising down the couch and around the table. You have so much energy. By far, the most active baby I have ever seen. You have been crawling for a while and are very speedy and confident now. In fact, you are so fearless and daring that I have heart attacks nearly every day. There have been many bumps and falls, but it never stops you from trying again.

You are eating some finger food now that I dice up for you, and you LOVE it. When you start to fuss when I feed you purees, I just put some sliced fruit or avocado in front of you, and you calm down, gently pick up the pieces and slowly shovel it into your mouth. And then you grin and slap the tray. You are quite expert at picking up your sippy cup and drinking. Then you throw it back down with a BANG. I am starting to teach you how to drink out of a regular cup with some success, but much more dripping.

You are getting over the stranger anxiety a bit. In fact, you bonded really well with your Grandpa Max and Nona when they were here last week. It was beautiful how you trusted them and were so comfortable with them. I felt, for the first time, comfortable leaving you with someone for a little while.



You are gabbing and babbling like crazy. One of my favorite things is to listen to you through the monitor when you wake up. You practice new sounds and talk so sweetly. Then I can't hold myself back, and I run in to pick you up and squeeze you.

You are loving your new baby friends, especially the girls. How can you know already? I can hardly keep you from grabbing them, crawling on them, and touching their hair or pretty clothes. I hope you retain your curiosity and eagerness to make friends, and not be too shy. But even if you do become shy, we will be there to guide you, urging you on.




Now that I am out of my funk, and now that you are becoming so affectionate and expressive, I can't get over how in love I am with you. I can watch you all day long and want more. Every face you make, every sound, every new skill... I just freak out with excitement.

Being with you all day, every day has been so trying at times, with my moods and your super non-napping capabilities. But the motivation to be patient and loving for you, to be a good role model, to make you smile, it all keeps me going. I count my successes and wealth now in the number of your smiles.



It's easier for me now to surrender and enjoy the unique experience that is being your Mommy. I couldn't do that before in the state I was in. But that's all part of it in the end. I'm sorry you saw me crying so often. So many times I would hold you but turn my face away so you wouldn't see me grimacing to hold back my tears. I hold solace, though, in that I want you to know I am a real person, with weaknesses and faults. I am not a perfect person or a perfect Mom. But I do want you to believe that I am magical, and that I can make it all better with a kiss, have eyes in the back of my head, and can teach you how to find the faeries in the forest. You will always wash away all my hurt with your smile, and I hope I can always wash away all your hurt with my limitless love and kiss your owwies away.

Love,

Mommy

Aidric, 6 Months

Dear Aidric,
You are becoming so independent. You can sit up all by yourself, move around quite a bit, and play by yourself for a while. But you still need me. You need to know where I am at all times. You are my little chubby warden.




This past month you finally met your Grandpa and Grandma Bristol. Grandma Shirley made you that incredible quilt that you play on everyday. It didn't take you long to fall in love with them. Your favorite game was to grab Grandpa's hat off his head and throw it down. You are so lucky to have so many Grandparents who love you so much.





And this past month your only Great Grandma passed away. I am so happy that you two were able to meet at Christmas time. Great Grandma kept your picture next to her until her last day. She was an elegant, lovely lady with a fiery temper and truly giving nature. She saved every piece of tin foil, neatly folded in a drawer. I'm sure she only ever bought one box of tin foil back in 1955. I love that kind of determination.



And this past month has been one of perfecting your skills. No real new milestones, but I see you delighting in your growing ability to move yourself around. You are now a dizzying tornado baby, rolling, scooting, revolving, twisting, and falling. It's no wonder. Your head is so massive compared to the rest of you. You get excited, arch back, and BONK. We surround you with pillows, and somehow you manage to fall back in between them all for the 2 seconds we turn around. I can see the crawling instinct developing, and I am scared shitless. Why do people keep telling me it gets easier? I can still put you somewhere and know you will still be in the same general location when I get back from the bathroom. What do I do when you start crawling?
You want to touch, grab, taste, and throw every single thing you see, in that order. You love paper cups, remotes, paper of any kind (yummy),and cel phones. You try to 'drink' out of bottles and cups.



Your little body had become so strong and able. You try to move about, lifting up with your arms, and frantically kicking your legs like a swimming frog on speed. You end up moving backwards, backing up into things. Then you use that leverage and brace your feet, push your arms, and you are butt-up and squealing with delight. And I have a stroke.



You have started to get your belly up off the floor, and balance for a few seconds on your hands and knees before sliding back down. From a seated position you lurch forward and almost get to the hands and knees position again. When you figure out how to do that, I think our lives will change. And the baby-proofing will frantically commence.

You love to eat. No wonder, as your Daddy and I love, love, love food and don't know how to stop eating it. You love everything we have tried: sweet potatoes, carrots, peaches, pears, peas, cereal, avocado, bananas, and plums. When you see me making your food, you flip out, start squawking, reaching up, and flapping your arms. Much the same way I get when the Ben and Jerry's is softening on the counter. You have resumed your practice of the cutest babbling and singing. I can even hear you talking to yourself when you wake up.




You are still teething, and this past week it must have been really tormenting you. You didn't want to nap, and last night you couldn't sleep. I rocked you til my arms were numb, watching your sweet face contort and finally relax. Watching you fall asleep is the most amazing experience. I fall in love all over again each time.
We made some major changes in your sleeping arrangements. Before, you napped on me. Either strapped to my chest while we walked and walked and walked outside, sometimes for hours. Or you slept on my lap. We did this for months. I knew this needed to change because neither of us were benefiting from it. You were not sleeping very soundly, and I needed to have some autonomy. And you were waking up frequently at night. It was time to teach you haw to sooth yourself to sleep, so you could know that falling asleep is something you can do for yourself.
So now you sleep in your crib. You sleep for 8 to 9 hours at night and take naps there during the day (if you decide to). I never thought I would be saying that. You are so much happier now. You are so strong willed that I know your sleeping will always be work, but I don't feel so helpless now. It has been a huge and wonderful thing for me. I can now be a better Mom to you.

I love looking back on the past 6 months and seeing this sweet evolution of our bond. I think I will always be astounded by the miraculous growth of your mind, body and spirit. I think it will always feel like you are still in my belly, even when I see you scooting around. I think you will amaze me every day for the rest of our time together. When you were a newborn, you slept right next to me and I heard every single breath, hiccup, cough, sneeze, and sound you made. I would wake up out of a sound sleep for every one. It felt like an electric jolt going through my whole body. If you cried out I would get this adrenaline rush too.
Even now that you are in your crib, I still have the same phenomenon happening. I end up lying there, fully awake, waiting for your next noise.

Everything I imagined about being your Mommy is nothing like it actually is. It's so much more. I thought it would be like before, but with this incredible, helpless person with me. I didn't know that having you meant I would be reborn and helpless too. I have to find my place in this world again and figure out how to exist with so much of me captivated and invested in you. But I can't imagine it any other way.

I love you,

Mommy

Aidric: 5 Months

Dear Aidric,

Gosh, there have been so many things I have wanted to blog about, like crazy LA stuff that happens, or the cooky cats, or Christmas fun, but I can't seem to find the time. The fact is I feel like I can't seem to handle anything other than taking care of you. I am in awe of those Moms who seem to be able to make dinner, go to the gym, work, or even clean the house. I tell myself that it's okay. You just need to feel safe and loved. You don't care that we have no modern conveniences. That's more for us, but it's just so annoying. After working all week, Daddy has to go to the laundromat for a few hours instead of being with you. Sometimes I think you wake up at night because the apartment is so cold, or we have the space heater on and it's boiling hot. I have to put you in your neglectosaucer so I can wash all the dishes. It all gets to me sometimes when I am so exhausted. I get envious of those who have homes with yards, laundry rooms, and even dens. But then I think of how there are so many people who have it far worse than us. We have shelter and food and money for fun stuff, so I'll shut up already.

So lets talk about you. You had your first Christmas, New Year's, and saw your first snowfall. You have changed a lot this past month. Your hair is growing in and filling in your bald spots, but you still have an adorable combover. There is this short, fuzzy hair growing in under the long strands that get into your eyes and curl around your ears.




You finally started laughing. You even had a honest to goodness laughing fit. Now Daddy and I do the silliest stuff to get you to laugh.

You figured out how to flip over from your back to your tummy. Now you love tummy time. You can even scoot your little tooshie up in the air and get up on your knees.



You also can now sit up on your own. You went from folding in half onto your face to holding yourself up with your arms to now sitting almost straight up without your arms at all. Every day you can balance longer. It's a thrill to see, and I can tell you get a big rush from it too.




You still love to grab everything, and you are getting so adept with your hands. You grab things with both hands when you need to, and you can now direct where you want things to go.

And you started eating 'solid' food. I pureed some banana, mixed it with breast milk, and you were so thrilled. I couldn't shove the stuff into your mouth fast enough. You cried for more and grabbed the spoon to pull it to your face faster. You weren't as thrilled with rice cereal, but today you were digging the sweet potatoes. I just need to remember to keep the bowl out of your reach.

And you started teething. I could tell because of all the drool, green diapers, and finger chewing. All these changes mean you are sleeping even less than before. Which brings me again to the issue of your sleeping, or lack of:

WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST FREAKING GO TO SLEEP ALREADY?

I have known you now for 5 months, and I can honestly say that you have never napped without protest. Never.



Taking care of you is more challenging than I could ever have imagined. Not because any task requires a genius IQ and not because you have tons of emotional baggage for me to deal with. All I need to do is make sure you are warm, fed, clean, and safe. Easy, right?


I am so proud of you. You amaze me every day. I love to see the reactions you get in public. You give smiles to strangers and make their day. I can see in your face now a little of the boy you will grow to be. Your eyebrows are so animated now, and you have a million new expressions, many different kinds of smiles, and even new kinds of giggles.



I have never been so excited about my future. I get to see you learn things, push yourself, look to me for comfort, laugh, oh, and cry. I live every one of those things right there with you. Just the other night you were sitting on my lap, and we had a mild earthquake. Daddy was sitting next to us. I grabbed his arm and said,"Oh, no." We waited for the next jolt, but nothing happened. I was terrified. Before you were born these tremors didn't bother me. Being alive is so different now.

This past month has been one of challenges, yours and mine. You seem challenged by wanting to move on your own, but not yet able to. I feel challenged by your new relationships with your environment. You don't need me to do everything for you anymore. You can amuse yourself. You can push things away or bring them closer. Seeing you discover the thrill of that is so intoxicating.

I am now faced with that contradiction that is being a Mom. I have a new role. I am no longer your whole environment, your whole world. My body is no longer your entire source of food. You have new toys other than my hands or my hair. I can now put you down so you can explore your tiny world. It's thrilling to see you grow like this, and yet those simple things are so painful for me. You have shown me what it really means to be human. I have felt more emotion since you came to me than the whole of my life before. Now I will be your teacher too, showing you what this life can be.



I love you.

Aidric, Four Months

Hey, Little Man, you are four months old. We just went to Dr. Boxtein today. You have had quite a growth spurt. At your two month visit Dr. Boxtein looked serious as he said you were at the very bottom of your percentile chart. I noticed on one of the bills the notes said 'failure to thrive'. That phrase hurt. I know you are happy and thriving. Well, at least now nobody can say you are failing at thriving. At 17 weeks you were 14 pounds, 26 1/2 inches long, and your head is 16 1/2 inches around. Way to go! I am happy all those night feedings weren't for nothing. You still sleep right next to me, but pretty soon you will move to your crib simply because you hardly fit in the bassinet anymore. The crib will be about five feet away, but it will seem so far. I won't be able to reach over to touch you, or look over to see your sleeping face. And, oh, you have started to gurgle and coo for a while when you wake up. I lie there and smile, waiting for you to need me.






This past month you have really discovered your hands and feet. You grab anything you can reach with a bionic kung fu grip, and you do not let go. Grab, grab, grab. There is not one waking moment when you are NOT grabbing and holding something. Your favorite thing to grab is my hair, with Daddy's chest hair a close second. I am so amazed at how well you can reach out and grasp something with such accuracy. I think you have better depth perception than I. Of course whatever you have grabbed you bring to your mouth to investigate. We have started reading little books, and you turn the pages. I nearly fell over.


I am pretty sure an international declaration was made that a baby holding his own feet is the cutest thing on earth. You do that too.




We went to visit Christy, Dave and Hadley last month. You were so good on the plane rides. And you have a huge crush on Christy now. I knew you would though. She has that effect on a lot of people. It was fabulous - hanging out with my best friend in the whole wide world and our new families. While we were there we put you into Hadley's playseat. You had never seen anything like that before. At first you seemed overwhelmed, but soon got it. When we got home we put you in your very own playseat. Now you have a jumparoo. And once you realized you could jump up and down, you have never been so psyched! Now you squeal with delight.




Speaking of squealing, your vocabulary has really blossomed to include some very loud outbursts. You even startle yourself. Every day sees you becoming more of an expert at grabbing and holding. I love seeing your world expand with your new abilities. I can tell you are seeing so much more too. You drink it all in tirelessly and always seem to want more, more, more. Needless to say, getting you to nap is still a challenge.

You love to go outside. I can tell when we have been inside for a while, and you just get antsy. You definitely get that from me. Which reminds me - you are now looking more like me this month. Probably the chubbier cheeks. Your hair has been slowly falling out, and new hair is growing in. I think it looks like a dark blonde. Of course, I think you are so very adorable and gorgeous and beautiful. People say that baby boys are more affectionate than girls. I don't like generalizations like that, but you are really very sweet and love to get kisses and hugs. I love how you relax and melt into me when I pick you up.




This past month for me has given me a new perspective. I have had a few moments of seeing you differently. Like when you are in your jumparoo or sitting in your chair, when you are totally engaged in what you are doing. You don't need me there for a few minutes. I talk to you, and you look up and smile so big, and then turn back around to your toy. I walk into the kitchen and feel different than before. Then I will watch you learn how to manipulate a new toy so quickly, deftly moving it in your hands, and I think of how just a few weeks ago you could hardly even grab things. I stand there in awe, and then feel so proud and a little sad that you are changing so fast. I know you still need to know I am there, but you have taken that very first tiny step of independence.


I love you so much,
Mommy, Mom, Mummy, Momma.

Aidric, 3 Months

Wow! Three months old. And it has been a year from zygote to now. Your conceiv-iversary. You have had your first Halloween and went to vote with us at a history making election. I am so proud that this country is so keyed up to work towards a better future for you. I know that your Daddy and I are going to work even that much more to keep you safe, happy, and prosperous.


Don't worry, Obama won!


There have been so many amazing new fun things this past month. You are so smiley, and you give smiles away now to new faces, not just mine and Daddy's. And there is a definite gleeful little giggle now accompanying these smiles. I hope you someday experience the kind of heart bursting, intoxicating happiness I feel when you smile at me.




You still love to talk and tell great stories about which I never tire of hearing. Now you like to interject a lot of loud 'GAH's and 'HEH's, I assume to express your excitement over your ever expanding awareness. It is so exciting. I wish I could remember what it's like - to see trees and flowers and clouds for the very first time. You have discovered the cats, watching them and following their movements, keeping a curious and delighted look. Even smiling at their furry faces. You like to stare at the walls and ceilings, smiling at corners and lightbulbs. Or maybe you are seeing your spirit guides and guardian angels, while they whisper to you how much you are loved. You still do not like your swing very much, but you now like your bouncy chair where you can talk to your frog and grab and kick the duck. You're still not sure about the vibrating part.

Frog and Duck



You are also getting so strong and big. You have now more than doubled your birth weight. You just started moving your legs in a crawling way in tummy time. You inch forward from the force, but your arms don't keep up, and you face plant yourself because you end up on top of your arms. I think it's so cute, but you would rather be right side up. You are an expert now at rolling over from your tummy to your back. So cool.
The most fun thing is you just found your hands. They have found each other too. I find you rolling your hands over each other, and I can't stop myself from going,"Mwaa-ha-ha-ha!" You can grasp things now, like my pinkie, your duck rattle, even your own thigh and adorable little unmentionables. Every day you gain more control over your hands. When you see something you reach your hand slowly, get very focused, and grab your goal with the most amazed look. Just the other night, while I was nursing you, I was watching The Daily Show and felt something tickle my chin. I looked down, and you were looking at me and gently touching my face. I was paralyzed with emotion. Little Man, I can't describe how that made me feel. Thanks.



I still have not been able to get you to nap. Last month I tried to convince myself that it's just the way you are and that's that. But I still need to get us on some kind of schedule. Having a nice routine is the best way for you to feel safe and content. But after a month of trying, I still can't get you to fall asleep and/or stay asleep on any consistent basis. And now I am afraid of having any bad habits(like letting you sleep on boppy while nursing) stick. I am ashamed to admit the times I have buried my face in pillows to scream and cry out of frustration and exhaustion. After having put you down and picked you up, and put you down again and again. After the hours of rocking and walking to have you sleep for 20 minutes. There are many days that I have done little else. I don't know what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing that I should. I just want to do the best for you, and not getting you to nap feels like a painful failure. I am so sorry, my sweet baby boy. It's so hard not to go down the road of self blame. Why do other Moms seem to have such an easier time? I wish I could say that I can get you to sleep, but most of the time I can't. But I will not give up.



If I had to sum up this past month, I guess it would be that I feel more familiar with you and your personality, and more familiar with being a Mom. I have relaxed a bit, letting you hang out in your chair for a little while so I can shower or eat. I felt too guilty to do that before. I feel more confident what your body language, cries, and little sounds mean. I feel I know how to avoid a meltdown if caught in time. I can see your great personality already. When you sigh after your big yawn and when you do a little pre-sneeze sneezelet. When you babble a bit when you wake up and fuss. Especially when you carry on excited conversations with your frog. You are loving the outdoors and walks. If you get cranky, going outside usually does the trick. Looking forward to finding and nurturing more of your personality.

Being your Mom is such a privilege. I think you are an old soul and you picked us for some reason. I feel I have a lot to learn from knowing you, Old Soul. Even though I know my days of screaming into pillows, showerless days, and cold meals have only begun, I don't care, I will do everything I can to be the Mommy you deserve.



I love you,

Mommy

Aidric, Month Two

Aidric,

You are two months old! And again, it is all going way too fast. But I feel now that I am a little more rested and focused, so my time with you is even more intensely wonderful. Maybe because I am a little, teeny bit less confused about what your cries and sounds mean, I feel better connected with you. Yes, that is what this month has really meant: a new connection. You went from being connected to me physically by being part of my body, to a month of either sleeping not more that 18 inches away, attached to my breast, or nodding off in my arms. But now, when you look us in the eye, you react by smiling, waving your arms and legs like wild, and making these soul caressing sounds. You started smiling right before you were 5 weeks old. When I thought it would be impossible to be any more in love with you, you smile, and a new world record in loving is made.




You now watch us talk so intently, and then mimic us in your own little sentences. I can tell you love doing this; Your eyes light up and you kick your legs and reach out with your arms. Then you look back at my face for more. You have a whole little vocabulary now of sounds. When you are bored or wonder where I went, you let out a loud "GAH!" I call it your warning. It means, "Someone better come here right now!" You now weave your 'hn-gee', 'ah-hoo', and 'a-gow' into new sounds and sentences. So amazing. I sing 'I love you' from Paul McCartney's Silly Love Song, and you sing it back to me. Bliss.

You are still not a big fan of tummy time, but you are getting really good at pushing yourself back over to your back. Now I prop you up on the boppy and put a mirror in front of you. You like that. You can hold your head up pretty well for some time, but then you need a rest.



We have started to go out too. Our first trip out other than doctors' visits was to Trader Joe's, and you were just fine. And we went to see Daddy at work one day. You were not so happy that day. Luckily, you love to go for walks with us, and now that the weather outside is finally less of a furnace, we can actually go out. Both of us have just been a sweaty mess since you were born. I have been looking forward to cooler weather so we can put you in the Moby wrap or the sling. Plus, you look so adorable wearing jammies.





You don't nap as much as you are expected to, but I think it's just part of who you are. So we just hang out, walk, talk, and play all afternoon. I certainly don't mind, as I have learned to read you better. I get to witness all these developments, big or small. Like how you 'point' with your index finger now, or how your hair is getting lighter. I watched you slowly and deliberately bring your hand to your mouth, pull it back, and then pull it close again. You little genius. You have gotten so much bigger and chubbier. When I look at pictures of you from just a few weeks ago, I can hardly believe how much you've changed. While you are getting better at amusing yourself for a little while in your bassinet, you also have perfected your crying style (through LOTS of practice) when you are tired and won't sleep or when you need food NOW. You are already your own little individual. You don't like all those stereotypical baby things like swings, pacifiers, car rides, or vibrating chairs. That's cool, Little Guy. You be you. I love you for it.




Your Daddy and I went out to the frame store last week while your Grandpa Max and La Nona Peggy watched you. It was the first time I was not in the same room with you. The whole time I was out, it felt like I had forgotten something very important, like wearing pants. I know our relationship will always change and evolve. I hope you always look to me for comfort and nurturing and strength.
There are moments when I am drifting off to sleep after nursing you in the middle of the night, and I lie next to you, when I feel I am you. Like we are of the same stuff, just temporarily separated. We drift off to sleep as I still feel your soft little hands on my skin and your amazing sweet baby scent in my head. You are a super concentrated piece of my heart now in the form of a tiny perfect helpless body. When you cry, I have never felt such anguish. But when you smile and 'talk', my heart leaps with a feeling beyond description. Thank God I get to experience that pain and ecstasy through this new connection with you.



I LOVE YOU,

Your Mommy