Mommy to a Spider Monkey on Crack

I love Aidric so much. I am so proud of him. He is smart, funny, sweet, and loving. But lately he is also like a spider monkey on crack. That's right. Imagine a strong and wild little beast. Now imagine that beast on crack, or speed, or meth. (I have never taken these drugs or even seen anyone in person who was on these drugs. I am going by stereotypes from TV.) I wanted to write about it because I'm not sure that many of you know what it's like.
Aidric wakes up every morning at 6:15 and hits the ground running. Literally. He cannot wait to get going, to turn something over, to climb something, to go through the drawers, to pour something out, to pull everything out of the closet, to flush the toilet a million times, to pull at my pants while I'm trying to go to the bathroom, to climb onto the back of the toilet so that he can turn on the faucet, to open and close the doors a million times, to bang on the walls and furniture with my shoe, the remote, a spoon, etc, to squish the cat, to try to stand on Daddy's head, to pull the keys off my keyboard, to get up onto the stove, and to throw the ball at the TV. This all happens at a running speed and in about 15 minutes. I am not exaggerating. He keeps this pace throughout the day.
I know some people who have what I call 'easy babies'. I am not implying that parenting is easy for anyone. I am saying that parents of these easy babies have completely different lives than mine. They can take a shower while easy baby plays with a toy next to the tub. They can eat or drink something in peace or even while sitting down. They can go shopping while easy baby laughs and coos in the stroller or cart. They can make dinner. They can go out to eat with easy baby. They can have conversations with other adults. They can go to the park or beach and relax while easy baby quietly plays. They can live without the constant responsibility of stopping disasters.
I do not feel badly in any way. I think Aidric is extraordinary, brilliant, physically advanced, and healthy. I would never want him to be anything other than who he is.
I do, however, wonder what it might be like to have one of those easy babies and would welcome some validation.

Dualities

What a boring title. Oh, well.

It amazes me how the major part of being a parent is the constant pulling of different forces. You can be drawn up to an ecstatic heavenly place while feeling heartbroken at the same time.

Even the simplest of things like when Aidric waves at someone. He almost always finally waves when the lucky recipient has moved their attention elsewhere, and he gets this confused and disappointed look on his face like, " Hey! I waved! Why are you ignoring me. Hello...." And my heart breaks for him while I am also feeling so proud of his new skill.

Speaking of which, the heartache! Oh, the sympathy. When he gets an boo-boo or he gets terrified of a loud sound, I look at him and I just feel it. I feel it like it's my own injury or trauma.

Or when I wait and wish for the day that he can entertain himself so I can get something done, and when that day comes, I wonder if he feels neglected.

I am guessing that I had better get used to this duality. Pride will always be mixed with worry. Love will always be hand in hand with fear.

I remember reading in a Steven King story once that we always imagine the worst horrors happening to those we love the most. Love and fear. It's true.

It has been such a journey this past year. I felt that I have been reborn. I naively said to myself when I was pregnant that life will be the same, but better. Sure, I'll have more responsibility, but I want that. I realize now that there is no way to imagine how it will be. It would be like imagining a new set of colors or sounds. Another contradiction, it seems, that I am the same person, but I'm not. My perceptions are permanently filtered through his eyes. And he holds the biggest mirror up to me. I see how I look to him, and I want to be the best person I can be for him. It's an instant attitude changer. Free therapy.

I'm sorry if it sounds just too sappy, but I feel like having Aidric is the hugest, most wonderful thing the world could ever know! "We made a baby! A human! He's awesome!" But there are millions of babies in the world. It happens every day. Calm the heck down.
Therein is the biggest duality.

Thanks for listening!

Level 1 Mom

I spoke about feeling depressed in my last post, and I have been warmed and so encouraged by many understanding and supportive responses. I think that depression is a tricky demon because I couldn't see what was happening while I was in it. I feel much better now. I want to go out and do things. I want to visit my friends. That haze of melancholia is gone most days. On the days I feel a bit sad I at least know that it's just hormones and it will go away. The thing that really bothers me about how I was feeling is that I don't remember much. I know there were so many smiles, giggles, milestones, and just the day-to-day things that are gone forever. Those first weeks of sleeping next to Aidric in bed, holding him close constantly, and gazing at each other's faces are so blurry and blend into one image now. Thank goodness we have 100 gigs of pictures and video.

It is such tragedy that the early time with your baby that is expected to be so sacred and joyous can be such a dark and confusing time. Is it just hormones? A chemical cocktail of sleep deprivation levels of melatonin, stress hormones, and all those lovely female hormones making it so hard to climb out from under those feelings?

Or is it that I just don't have the mental and emotional fortitude to handle the difficulties?

You see, I feel that I have spent most of my life just floating along. Too frightened and insecure to take chances and sabotaging them when they came along. I learned to just get by. I would take the easy job with minimum wage, stick to a guy that would have me so I could stop burdening my Mom, and just let the years go by. My friends from high school moved away, found good husbands, made babies and started careers while I painted, traveled, and thought nothing about the future. I shopped at Salvation Army, stole bagels from work, went out dancing, and stayed way too long with guys in co-dependent ignorance.

But eventually women close to me started having babies, and I saw for the very first time how happy that made them. I started to see children as something other that the screeching demons I would notice in CVS. They were amazing and sweet. I saw that look on my friends' faces when they looked at their babies. That look. You know what I mean. I knew I had to experience that. But I wasn't in the right place. I looked at myself. Great. A part time teacher, part time plein air painter, no man, no plan. Oh, well. I guess I will survive without knowing what it's like to be a Mom.

But then I met Mark, and I wanted it all: the house, yard, and baby. Wanted it real real bad. I wanted to live up to the responsibility for once. I wanted Mark to be proud of his wife.

I wanted to be truly challenged. I wanted to be important for something. I wanted to love someone like the way I saw my friends do. And I am, and I do. I only just realized this. I finally feel like I am really living. Sure, I still feel too overwhelmed some days, but I am fighting and trying to be a better person every day. For Aidric. For Mark. For me.

The next big challenge is to balance the things I need to do with being a Mom. I need to paint and practice yoga to be the balanced and calm person I want to be, and to be the role model I want Aidric to see. I just need to figure out how to make that happen when I usually don't have the time to cut my toenails.

We all have challenges in life. Some are environmental, and some are self-inflicted. Would I have had a better experience if we weren't in this awful apartment? What if I had had someone here to help out? I will never know. I can get mad that we have no dishwasher, no laundry, and no central air in the 100 + summers. I can let our crummy landlord get to me. I can curse every motorcycle, fire truck, and helicopter disrupting Aidric's nap. But what good does that do? I know that there are so many people who handle much much worse. And for those of you who have houses with yards, modern conveniences, good jobs, and quiet neighborhoods, I hope you appreciate the kingly affluence you have!

As for me, I feel truly alive, challenged, and adapting. I am focusing on the things that I have that make me happy, rather than the things I would like to have. And I am so blessed to have such good caring friends who have been so understanding. I feel like I am starting out, a level 1 Mom, on a new adventure.

Hot Topics

I recently mentioned how we have two months to go before due date. And that there is so much to do now to prepare. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, but oh so very happy and excited. I mentioned circumcision as one of the things weighing in, and it made me think about it more seriously.

So I wanted to address the circumcision debate, along with some other topics that, as I am learning, are controversial about baby and child rearing. Circumcision, vaccinations, public breastfeeding, and sleep. Mark and I have talked about these, and disagree only about circumcision. I would love to know your thoughts about these subjects.

Most men our age grew up with almost all circumcised male friends. It's a trauma that, mercifully, they do not remember. The argument for circumcision usually is about wanting the child to fit in and to not feel weird or different. And not to be teased because kids(and grown ups) can be so cruel. Also, that it is a matter of hygiene.
I believe these arguments are weak and false.
I could not knowingly let my little baby's sensitive little penis be cut and mutilated.
I just hope that I can convince Mark that it is not necessary at all and is just downright wrong. We'll see.



Vaccinations. This is also a real tough one. We are having a boy and the statistics for boys and autism are so frightening. Boys are five times more likely than girls to get autism. There are absolutely no studies done that I have found that medically link autism to vaccinations. But there are plenty of surveys(which even links vaccinations to every childhood problem) and personal accounts that do. There is the one case in which it was proved that a boy, who had a rare genetic disease, became autistic as a direct result of a vaccination in combination to his disease.
A catch-22. If I vaccinate, am I risking the health of my baby by exposing him to these risks? And if I don't, am I risking his health by leaving him vulnerable to measles and polio, and hepatitus B? No win.




And for a much less depressing subject: breastfeeding in public. I personally do not see the big fuss here. Imagine if it was illegal to breastfeed outside of your home? Some folks are freaked out by breastfeeding. I think that is their own personal issue. Women have been asked to leave restaurants, airplanes, and public parks because someone felt uncomfortable. Most women feel the need to go somewhere private to feed their babies and usually end up in the public bathroom or somewhere just as inconvenient and gross. I am not suggesting that public places have a nice clean comfy baby feeding room, but wouldn't that be so nice? I think that for the most part, folks are understanding, and we just hear about the isolated cases. Has anyone ever received any looks or remarks when feeding their babies in public?





The last touchy issue is about getting babies to sleep. Some parents use the cry-it-out technique when all else has failed. This is usually for older babies, nearing toddlerhood. Instead of going to the crib every time the baby cries, parents let the baby cry himself back to sleep until eventually the baby learns to self-sooth and get himself to sleep. With the books I have been reading, it is suggested that a routine, set up early and stuck to, should remove the need to ever to the cry-it-out thing. But what if some babies are just so resistant? I don't know. I have no experience with this at all. Yet. What are your thoughts?

It's amazing how many different ideas there are about parenting. It's amazing how many people get downright militant and defensive too. I think the most important thing is to do what feels right.