Sunday, November 09, 2008

Aidric, 3 Months

Wow! Three months old. And it has been a year from zygote to now. Your conceiv-iversary. You have had your first Halloween and went to vote with us at a history making election. I am so proud that this country is so keyed up to work towards a better future for you. I know that your Daddy and I are going to work even that much more to keep you safe, happy, and prosperous.

Don't worry, Obama won!

There have been so many amazing new fun things this past month. You are so smiley, and you give smiles away now to new faces, not just mine and Daddy's. And there is a definite gleeful little giggle now accompanying these smiles. I hope you someday experience the kind of heart bursting, intoxicating happiness I feel when you smile at me.

You still love to talk and tell great stories about which I never tire of hearing. Now you like to interject a lot of loud 'GAH's and 'HEH's, I assume to express your excitement over your ever expanding awareness. It is so exciting. I wish I could remember what it's like - to see trees and flowers and clouds for the very first time. You have discovered the cats, watching them and following their movements, keeping a curious and delighted look. Even smiling at their furry faces. You like to stare at the walls and ceilings, smiling at corners and lightbulbs. Or maybe you are seeing your spirit guides and guardian angels, while they whisper to you how much you are loved. You still do not like your swing very much, but you now like your bouncy chair where you can talk to your frog and grab and kick the duck. You're still not sure about the vibrating part.

Frog and Duck

You are also getting so strong and big. You have now more than doubled your birth weight. You just started moving your legs in a crawling way in tummy time. You inch forward from the force, but your arms don't keep up, and you face plant yourself because you end up on top of your arms. I think it's so cute, but you would rather be right side up. You are an expert now at rolling over from your tummy to your back. So cool.
The most fun thing is you just found your hands. They have found each other too. I find you rolling your hands over each other, and I can't stop myself from going,"Mwaa-ha-ha-ha!" You can grasp things now, like my pinkie, your duck rattle, even your own thigh and adorable little unmentionables. Every day you gain more control over your hands. When you see something you reach your hand slowly, get very focused, and grab your goal with the most amazed look. Just the other night, while I was nursing you, I was watching The Daily Show and felt something tickle my chin. I looked down, and you were looking at me and gently touching my face. I was paralyzed with emotion. Little Man, I can't describe how that made me feel. Thanks.

I still have not been able to get you to nap. Last month I tried to convince myself that it's just the way you are and that's that. But I still need to get us on some kind of schedule. Having a nice routine is the best way for you to feel safe and content. But after a month of trying, I still can't get you to fall asleep and/or stay asleep on any consistent basis. And now I am afraid of having any bad habits(like letting you sleep on boppy while nursing) stick. I am ashamed to admit the times I have buried my face in pillows to scream and cry out of frustration and exhaustion. After having put you down and picked you up, and put you down again and again. After the hours of rocking and walking to have you sleep for 20 minutes. There are many days that I have done little else. I don't know what I am doing wrong or what I am not doing that I should. I just want to do the best for you, and not getting you to nap feels like a painful failure. I am so sorry, my sweet baby boy. It's so hard not to go down the road of self blame. Why do other Moms seem to have such an easier time? I wish I could say that I can get you to sleep, but most of the time I can't. But I will not give up.

If I had to sum up this past month, I guess it would be that I feel more familiar with you and your personality, and more familiar with being a Mom. I have relaxed a bit, letting you hang out in your chair for a little while so I can shower or eat. I felt too guilty to do that before. I feel more confident what your body language, cries, and little sounds mean. I feel I know how to avoid a meltdown if caught in time. I can see your great personality already. When you sigh after your big yawn and when you do a little pre-sneeze sneezelet. When you babble a bit when you wake up and fuss. Especially when you carry on excited conversations with your frog. You are loving the outdoors and walks. If you get cranky, going outside usually does the trick. Looking forward to finding and nurturing more of your personality.

Being your Mom is such a privilege. I think you are an old soul and you picked us for some reason. I feel I have a lot to learn from knowing you, Old Soul. Even though I know my days of screaming into pillows, showerless days, and cold meals have only begun, I don't care, I will do everything I can to be the Mommy you deserve.

I love you,