Saturday, January 24, 2009

Aidric: 5 Months

Dear Aidric,

Gosh, there have been so many things I have wanted to blog about, like crazy LA stuff that happens, or the cooky cats, or Christmas fun, but I can't seem to find the time. The fact is I feel like I can't seem to handle anything other than taking care of you. I am in awe of those Moms who seem to be able to make dinner, go to the gym, work, or even clean the house. I tell myself that it's okay. You just need to feel safe and loved. You don't care that we have no modern conveniences. That's more for us, but it's just so annoying. After working all week, Daddy has to go to the laundromat for a few hours instead of being with you. Sometimes I think you wake up at night because the apartment is so cold, or we have the space heater on and it's boiling hot. I have to put you in your neglectosaucer so I can wash all the dishes. It all gets to me sometimes when I am so exhausted. I get envious of those who have homes with yards, laundry rooms, and even dens. But then I think of how there are so many people who have it far worse than us. We have shelter and food and money for fun stuff, so I'll shut up already.

So lets talk about you. You had your first Christmas, New Year's, and saw your first snowfall. You have changed a lot this past month. Your hair is growing in and filling in your bald spots, but you still have an adorable combover. There is this short, fuzzy hair growing in under the long strands that get into your eyes and curl around your ears.

You finally started laughing. You even had a honest to goodness laughing fit. Now Daddy and I do the silliest stuff to get you to laugh.

You figured out how to flip over from your back to your tummy. Now you love tummy time. You can even scoot your little tooshie up in the air and get up on your knees.

You also can now sit up on your own. You went from folding in half onto your face to holding yourself up with your arms to now sitting almost straight up without your arms at all. Every day you can balance longer. It's a thrill to see, and I can tell you get a big rush from it too.

You still love to grab everything, and you are getting so adept with your hands. You grab things with both hands when you need to, and you can now direct where you want things to go.

And you started eating 'solid' food. I pureed some banana, mixed it with breast milk, and you were so thrilled. I couldn't shove the stuff into your mouth fast enough. You cried for more and grabbed the spoon to pull it to your face faster. You weren't as thrilled with rice cereal, but today you were digging the sweet potatoes. I just need to remember to keep the bowl out of your reach.

And you started teething. I could tell because of all the drool, green diapers, and finger chewing. All these changes mean you are sleeping even less than before. Which brings me again to the issue of your sleeping, or lack of:


I have known you now for 5 months, and I can honestly say that you have never napped without protest. Never.

Taking care of you is more challenging than I could ever have imagined. Not because any task requires a genius IQ and not because you have tons of emotional baggage for me to deal with. All I need to do is make sure you are warm, fed, clean, and safe. Easy, right?

I am so proud of you. You amaze me every day. I love to see the reactions you get in public. You give smiles to strangers and make their day. I can see in your face now a little of the boy you will grow to be. Your eyebrows are so animated now, and you have a million new expressions, many different kinds of smiles, and even new kinds of giggles.

I have never been so excited about my future. I get to see you learn things, push yourself, look to me for comfort, laugh, oh, and cry. I live every one of those things right there with you. Just the other night you were sitting on my lap, and we had a mild earthquake. Daddy was sitting next to us. I grabbed his arm and said,"Oh, no." We waited for the next jolt, but nothing happened. I was terrified. Before you were born these tremors didn't bother me. Being alive is so different now.

This past month has been one of challenges, yours and mine. You seem challenged by wanting to move on your own, but not yet able to. I feel challenged by your new relationships with your environment. You don't need me to do everything for you anymore. You can amuse yourself. You can push things away or bring them closer. Seeing you discover the thrill of that is so intoxicating.

I am now faced with that contradiction that is being a Mom. I have a new role. I am no longer your whole environment, your whole world. My body is no longer your entire source of food. You have new toys other than my hands or my hair. I can now put you down so you can explore your tiny world. It's thrilling to see you grow like this, and yet those simple things are so painful for me. You have shown me what it really means to be human. I have felt more emotion since you came to me than the whole of my life before. Now I will be your teacher too, showing you what this life can be.

I love you.


ks1k said...

Wow! Great blog entry.

See you soon.


Kristin C. said...

So sweet, Joy. It's really wonderful for me to read about your experiances as a new mother and your son's growth. You are a wonderful writer and it sounds like, a wonderful mom.