Thursday, April 30, 2009

Aidric, 8 1/2 Months




I haven't posted in so long, so I have so much to say. But obviously, I don't have a lot of time to myself to write anymore. I will try to be succinct.

As far as the past few months there have been major changes for me. Same for Aidric, of course. Me first. I never said anything before because, well, I didn't really know I was, and also because I was too embarrassed to say anything. I was depressed. Really depressed. I was finally NOT depressed about a month ago. Only then did I realize how depressed I was. Like when the lights are slowly dimmed and your eyes adjust to the darkness, but then someone turns on the lights. Click. Wow. I feel different.
The months of crying, screaming into pillows, not wanting to go anywhere, feeling SO alone and overwhelmed, and weeks on end with no direct human contact with friends. Bad combo of wacked out hormones, winter, non-napping baby, isolation, no exercise, and sleeplessness. Gosh, when I write it out, no wonder. We new Mommies NEED a face to face community. Sure online helps, but for me it was a cold faceless connection that left me feeling kind of pathetic. Like, why don't I have friends nearby that want to come over? If I had, I think things would have been different. I am feeling like a new person. It was most likely hormones causing me to feel that way, but it was very real nonetheless. Even so, I treasure those first months when it was just Aidric and me learning and getting to know each other.
Now that I am out of the darkness, I am being vigilant in my efforts for that community. Gymboree, playdates, Kindermusic, playground, etc. It is very helpful, and Aidric loves it. Speaking of Aidric...




My Little Man,

You are 8 1/2 months old. You are now crawling, pulling up to standing, climbing, and cruising down the couch and around the table. You have so much energy. By far, the most active baby I have ever seen. You have been crawling for a while and are very speedy and confident now. In fact, you are so fearless and daring that I have heart attacks nearly every day. There have been many bumps and falls, but it never stops you from trying again.

You are eating some finger food now that I dice up for you, and you LOVE it. When you start to fuss when I feed you purees, I just put some sliced fruit or avocado in front of you, and you calm down, gently pick up the pieces and slowly shovel it into your mouth. And then you grin and slap the tray. You are quite expert at picking up your sippy cup and drinking. Then you throw it back down with a BANG. I am starting to teach you how to drink out of a regular cup with some success, but much more dripping.

You are getting over the stranger anxiety a bit. In fact, you bonded really well with your Grandpa Max and Nona when they were here last week. It was beautiful how you trusted them and were so comfortable with them. I felt, for the first time, comfortable leaving you with someone for a little while.



You are gabbing and babbling like crazy. One of my favorite things is to listen to you through the monitor when you wake up. You practice new sounds and talk so sweetly. Then I can't hold myself back, and I run in to pick you up and squeeze you.

You are loving your new baby friends, especially the girls. How can you know already? I can hardly keep you from grabbing them, crawling on them, and touching their hair or pretty clothes. I hope you retain your curiosity and eagerness to make friends, and not be too shy. But even if you do become shy, we will be there to guide you, urging you on.




Now that I am out of my funk, and now that you are becoming so affectionate and expressive, I can't get over how in love I am with you. I can watch you all day long and want more. Every face you make, every sound, every new skill... I just freak out with excitement.

Being with you all day, every day has been so trying at times, with my moods and your super non-napping capabilities. But the motivation to be patient and loving for you, to be a good role model, to make you smile, it all keeps me going. I count my successes and wealth now in the number of your smiles.



It's easier for me now to surrender and enjoy the unique experience that is being your Mommy. I couldn't do that before in the state I was in. But that's all part of it in the end. I'm sorry you saw me crying so often. So many times I would hold you but turn my face away so you wouldn't see me grimacing to hold back my tears. I hold solace, though, in that I want you to know I am a real person, with weaknesses and faults. I am not a perfect person or a perfect Mom. But I do want you to believe that I am magical, and that I can make it all better with a kiss, have eyes in the back of my head, and can teach you how to find the faeries in the forest. You will always wash away all my hurt with your smile, and I hope I can always wash away all your hurt with my limitless love and kiss your owwies away.

Love,

Mommy

4 comments:

saffry said...

Joy,
It's so wonderful to hear more from you, and even wonderful to be moved to tears. Both in happiness at how you feel when you have smiles and sweet new things to see, and terrible sadness at all the pain you've felt. I thought I saw glimpses of your depression, but it was so hard to help from a continent away.
I've come to think that it's a mistake to think that we'll be great parents for all 18 years, I think each of us is meant to excel at one age group, and truly flounder at some of the others. I was miserable through both kids terrible twos, but I'm having a great time at six years old. I can already picture you being a master of teenage angst, won't that be fun ;)
Until that day, I'm just so glad the "lights" are on again, and hope with all my heart that you'll be able to greet the next challenges Aidric sends your way. And the fun. And craziness. And overwhelming love.

Kristin C. said...

Joy,
I am so glad to see you are back....and I am so sorry to hear about your difficult times alone over the last months. Being a mama seems so hard to begin with and then to pile on sleep deprivation, hormones, no yoga, isolation, the WINTER. GAAH.

I worry about the baby blues, and whenever I talk to women who have experianced it they say the didn't quite realize the were experiancing it until AFTER.

So glad to read your words and see your beautful boy. I can't believe how he has grown!
Have a wonderful day in Cali!
XOX
K

ks1k said...

Glad to have you back with us Joy.

OLD DAD

Pocklock said...

Sending you hugs. I'm so glad you're feeling better.

That little one is adorable! He has so much hair! It's amazing how they win you over a little more every day - just when you thought it wasn't possible.

Thinking of you...