Sunday, May 04, 2008

I'm Not A Writer

I'm not a writer. Not a good one, anyway. I appreciate good writing. I seek it out constantly in books and online. But I'm best at painting, and if I could have other talents, I would choose having a great voice and the ability to write well. (Oh, and probably to dance, like ballet.) So that the singing and writing would bring people to strong emotional places. But emotionally, I am more of a receiver than a speaker. (See, a good writer wouldn't have so many sentence fragments.)

I wish my writing could give you a sense of how blown away I am with being pregnant and my feeling of impending parenthood. I might be going along in my day and forget I am pregnant, but then I will feel him move, or I will feel my expanding belly, and remember. Now, it is getting harder and harder to forget. And then I realize,"Wow, I am the pregnant woman in the room."

It seems like such a contradiction for me. I know there are millions of pregnant women and millions of new Moms, but at the same time, I feel like my pregnancy, my love for Mark, my giving birth is the biggest, most important thing in the whole world. But there is this little voice that says,"You are just one of countless preggos and it's so ordinary, really." And then I tell that little voice that it's not needed here, and go back to feeling divine, human, and awestruck.

Like with anything BIG in my life, I know this will come to me slowly. This realization that there is a person in me. A person who chose Mark and me. Who has his own quirks, talents, likes and dislikes. Who is part of my anatomy, but will soon be separate, whole. And who will slowly grow and need us less and less.

But for now, I still can't believe it.

4 comments:

Kristin C. said...

I don't know what YOU'RE talking about...but you are a great writer and I really have enjoyed reading about your perspective as a new mother-to-be as your baby grows and your awareness grows. So awesome.

AllBeehive said...

I like your perspective as well. You have brought up a lot of points that I never thought of! Your post about how your eggs have been in you since you were born is still mind boggling to me. I think about it all the time. You were always way better at science than me :) It makes me wonder what kind of egg will drop for our next baby. (Yes DG, I said NEXT baby.)

I would also like to say that after you have the baby it still doesn't sink in. Five months in and every day I stare at Hadley, giggle, and tell her I grew her in my belly. (ok, uterus..there's that science thing again) I can't believe I'm a mom.

Dave said...

i can tell you have a high IQ by the way you write and by your perceptions and observations. I like your humor and how you articulate, especially about your pregnancy.

ks1k said...

Just catching up on your last 3-4 posts. You are amazing. Nope, I am not talking through my hat.

You are awesome and and write like a pro. I am so glad we have this forum to keep up to date on things.

OLD DAD